Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Less Guitar Hero, M'kay?

Dear CJ Wilson: Yes, I know that some people find you attractive, and you've found some way to parlay your love for video games into charity work, but I'm writing you as a sports fan. For the love of God, put the Guitar Hero down. You see, last night I was actually at the ballpark. This should've been a great thing for everyone, because I have this really peculiar streak of my own that my friends have taken to calling - in an appropriately awe-struck tone - The Mojo. No team I have rooted for in person has ever lost a game. Ever. Every Razorback football, basketball, baseball and rugby (yes - rugby!) game I attended was a win; every Cowboys game I've been to, a win; every Stars game, a win; every Mavs game, a win. The streak actually extends back to high school. I don't count games where I was working, because I wasn't concentrating my brain power on the team, but on getting a good shot, and not getting tackled and messing up my expensive cameras. And yet, when the team needed you most, and the score was 9-8 and they had squandered a perfectly good 7-0 lead, you went in last night and pretended it was opposite day at Pee Wee's Playhouse. Closer? Game on the line? Let me just gently lob this ball over the plate for you to hit, and thus make a couple of freaking runs that will put your worst team in the American League selves up by one. No, no. No need to thank me. Just buy me a beer later and whisper pretty things in my ear. Nibble it, too. I like that. True, the team did help out. But you're the closer. And you haven't closed a freaking game properly all season. Did you perchance look behind you at all last night? Right next to that ginormous Starbucks sign with the temperature on it was a sign flashing your stats. You hadn't - until last night - pitched a winning game. NONE. Goose. Egg. You have an ERA of 5.11. So I'm wondering if maybe you just don't know that the closer is supposed to close out the game with a win. I mean, sure, we won, but if the game had ended after your pitching, we would've lost. It was in spite of you, not because of you. So let's try repeating this: "I am CJ Wilson. For now, I'm the closer. For now, I'm supposed to strike people out, which is what I'll be doing. I won't be relying on Ramon Vasquez to bail me out on the bottom of the ninth for my win." Oh, and CJ? Until you have an ERA more like this, let's try less running of the yap, too, yes?