Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Because Monkey Puppets Crack Me the Heck Up, Part Two ....

Or, Hard Knocks, a review - nay, a live blog. So don't read any farther if you've Tivo'd and you don't want to know what happens, or if you've Tivo'd and you're gonna whine at me because you haven't seen it yet. I will find your house and kick you. Now, I watched this last week, too, but I was too lazy to blog it. Truth be told, I'm too lazy tonight, too, so I'm really going to do a half-arsed job. I just thought I'd warn you ahead of time, in case you had some grandiose hopes for me. Witten just killed his kid and turned him into a bobble head. Awesome. Jonesaspawn. How long till Roy Williams horse collar's one of Jerry Jones' grandkids? (Oooh, just asked in this room: "Where's Janine Turner's kid?")
"A football team is like a tree, branches may grow in all directions, but roots - roots are bound together."
I think I just spewed a little. Wade Phillips looks about 10 months pregnant. I think he's a D cup. Ooh, Todd Archer. Hi Todd. No Doocy's been dropped yet. TO is going blind, I think. What's with the shades? BTW, he likes that the coaches treat them like men and people. Wade Phillips learned to enunciate from his father's bum. No wait, his father, Bum. My bad, although the former would explain a lot. Tackle, tackle, tackle, eat dirt, tackle.
"Suddenly, brothers in arms have a sibling rivalry."
Patrick "I'm not going to drop anything again" Crayton is running. Dave Campo gargled some glass, then sat down for his interview. Ooh! Sunglassesless TO sighting - twice! Magic Johnson is giving them a pep talk. Side note: Oxnard sounds like something that comes from a cow's nose, especially the way Jerry Jones says it. Rob Lowe! Jamie Foxx! Dennis Miller! No Jessica! The coaching staff is gay for Felix Jones. Uber gay for him. "Felix Jones will make the team," Liev intones, like it's a pronouncement found somewhere between Deuteronomy and Psalms. Keon Lattimore's brother is the Dina Lohan of football. Now we're talking about Tank Johnson. "I'm squeezing this moment and trying to not let this slip away," he says. John Garrett says to Tank, "I love your energy, I love your energy you bring every day," and then gives him a big hug and a juice box. Now they're talking about Martellus Bennett. More Magic Johnson. Wait - he's a basketball dude - why's he telling Bennett how to run a play? "Mentally I just be gone sometimes," Bennett says. Awe. Some. Do that when we're 20-17, k? Now there's some chick - Mrs. Price. She's a screamer. "Tony Roooooooooooomoooooooooooo," OMG. Put a cork in her. Anywhere. Everywhere. Rich Dalrymple just got her to scream Troy Aikman's name into a cell phone. Now all those guys that were screaming for Danny Amendola last week will be happy. The coaches say he lacks size, but has other qualities. Mur. Mur. Zach Thomas flew his own stretcher and rubber guy in. Mur. Mur. Mur. Mur. Dude..."Shrinkage is a well known side effect of the ice baths..." then out comes uh, a guy with a unit. "What's that? Oh, that's just my package. It's a gift from God, I just signed for it." Now we're talking about the Garrett brothers, and how they learned to love football from their father Jim. Now we're watching Jim Garrett jogging on the track at Princeton - head first. TO likes to travel in style. Most guys loathe the daily grind - but not Owens. Do you think Liev Schreiber wants to drive a pencil through his skull at any point of his voice over? Now they're making fun of T.O. running on the beach. It's spot on, and hilarious, including the over the shoulder peek. "Besides having rugged good looks, Coach Wade Phillips knows football." Again, pencil through skull, Schreiber? Wade is imparting his football knowledge to his son. Wade's daughter Tracy is also on hand. Laurie Phillips, Wade's wife, says she's a dancer, choreographer and actress. Wade brings up her small role in "Charlie Wilson's War," and said she's a "good gal." Thanks, Dad. Now we're talking about Adam Jones. Campo reminds Dennis Miller that Jones has actually only been in the league for three years. "He's just a football player," Campo says later in a coaches' meeting. Three days before the San Diego game, the defensive backs are struggling. Note to Dave Campo: Slide and snap? Too reminiscent of this. Jim Garrett: Athletitism is not a word, but it should be, you're right. Now they're on the train to San Diego, playing dominoes and laughing, hah hah hah...TO checks into his hotel room, then leaves, and somebody's knocking on the door from the inside. Somebody's playing a funny, hah hah hah...Those Cowboys is funny, funny people. In the lockerroom, they listen to techno music and stretch and read. And Jason Garrett yells at them. Tank Johnson says something inspirational - "Let's Go!" "Let's let the Cowboys ride," Wade says. Unfortunately, we know how this goes, so um, not so much. Liev says that the offense walks all over the Chargers. OMG, the screamer is back. She's happy - Cowboys up by 7 in the first quarter. I have no idea what Tony Romo just said. I've seen Major League, but I zone out when I see him. I don't know why, other than unless he's on the field, he's about as exciting as a water sandwich. Tank Johnson skips after he makes a tackle. Are we gonna have to watch that all season? Tank just dropped an f-bomb. Amendola fumbles, Chargers make a TD. You people did watch the game, right? I don't have to tell you about it, right? Good, because I would like to take a drink, and my butt's falling asleep. Martellus Bennett dropsy clip series. Awesome. I really wanted to see that again. Are they playing Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" on the field? What the? "Not everyone will call Dallas home," we're reminded at the end. Next week? Adam Jones teaches Dave Campo hip hop dancing. And I didn't make that up.