Friday, August 15, 2008

Dear Stephany of Plano:

I know you HATE to be disappointed, but I'm about to disappoint you. You're going to experience a lot of them. The Gilmore Girls did not prepare you for Ivy League life, I'm afraid, and disappointments will be rife and substantially more varied. I know now you think the world is yours to own, and that that YOU. ARE. BETTER. I suggest you enjoy this feeling while it lasts - which will be about another two weeks or so. Then you'll step foot on Princeton's campus as a lowly freshman, and will realize that Plano, Texas, did nothing to prepare you for life outside it, and furthermore, you are a rube compared to 89.1 percent of the rest of your graduating class. I suggest you get to reveling in it a little more. Try heading down to Deep Ellum, pick the largest tattooed man you can find, and repeat your manifesto. I think you'll find he agrees with you. But then again, I thought Andrew Ridgeley was the gay one in Wham!, so I might not be that good about knowing people. Trying everything once is fun, sure, until you pick up something that a $75 tube of ointment won't cure. I congratulate you, by the way, on spelling the open mic correctly. Not many people do that. Laws are restrictions. I'm planning on using that credo this weekend. Can you send me your address? The law that usually prevents me from breaking into houses is a restriction I'd like to break, and I'm betting you've got some sweet stuff in that room where you park your adorably overweening ego. If you can leave your car keys out in plain sight, that would be helpful, too. And good luck with that broken condom thing. Name it after me, will you?

And as everyone knows, you didn't beat out everyone else's best. You just didn't get accepted to Harvard. Let's just be honest here. Someone's going to get angry with me, but you really wanted to go to Harvard. But they sent you the thin envelop, and Princeton sent you the thick one. Now you're all embracing your pinnacles, making pinnacle-ade out of them. Good for you. But at least Princeton took you, or you'd be at Yale, IJS.

But truly, if you're going to write a manifesto, you shouldn't use so many cliches. "Live before you're dead," "This is life -no one gets out alive," "There is no such thing as failure, only a 100th try, " seriously? You're going to the trouble of writing an elitist rant about how great you are for getting into Princeton, and you can't do it without a cliche?

I do wish you luck at Princeton. I wish your suitemates more, I think. But sure, good luck with all that Hitler stuff. Hugs and Kisses, Me