Thursday, August 21, 2008

Hard Knocks, on Cake-Delay

Thank you, dvr. Without you, I would have to choose between Hard Knocks and Stephan Pyles' Heaven and Hell cake. And yes, I know they re-run it during the week, but you pause to pee. Or drink beers. Or pee and drink beers. I'm having a beer now, btw. They open with a post-mortem of the San Diego game. Again, they're gay for Felix Jones. They want to kiss The Dimpled One. Wade pretty much said they did fine in the first quarter, because the first team played. Duh. Ouch...someone's "been a bum the whole camp." I don't think they mean the English butt kind, either. Is that another gratuitous shirtless TO running shot? Let's bet some money, only not, because you may have seen it already. You'll take unfair advantage, and win. That'll make me sad. Decision? Random shirtless black dude. Romo says Campo has more hair than Jason Witten. "He just thinks everybody wants to hang out with him, and he's just not that cool," Witten said of Romo. Now we're tortured with Romo singing. "I told him time and time again, 'Bro, you're tone-deaf,'" TO said. Why don't you give him $10 of your $25 million reasons to live, and tell him to quit? I think Jerry Jones just said Troy Aikman is easy. That's what SHE said. "Everything is overrated sometimes," Romo said, without a whit of irony. Woot! Todd Archer sighting. Hi Todd! Jerry: It's rude to talk with your mouth full of anything. TO is now a mentor. Ray Sherman says he's like a chief of police. He'll be kunkling in no time. Danny Amendola said they all listen to TO, especially when he donkey punches them. (If you don't know what donkey punching is, ask your mother.) "He may not be mama, but in a pinch, he's a pretty good father figure," Schreiber's VO says of Dave Campo. Seriously, watching Campo dance is like watching every bad wedding reception video in the history of ever on a nonstop loop. Drop a ball, do 150 push-ups, Patrick Crayton says. Sooprise, Crayton's doing push-ups. Sam Hurd is looking for a breakout season. Jason Garrett says he always comes through. His competition is Miles Austin. Ray Sherman says if he can be consistent, he could be good. Duh. Five days before our choke in Denver. Two-a-days are making them hurt. "You wake up in the morning, and you have no idea how you're gonna practice," Tank Johnson says. "Tough man titties," said Wade. "You will practice. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever." Gawdalmighty - Campo in a hot tub. Jerry says he'd rather have Wade over any other coach in the country, except Jason Garrett. Someone (Roy Williams) sneaks into TO's room in Denver. Hilarity ensues. Didn't I see this last week? Tony Romo is focused on football, when he's not watching Jessica's Web cam. "I suck, it's officially, I suck. Ahhh, I'm so freakin' average," he says. Sounds like someone needs this guy. Super Bowl ring-having Todd Lowber hasn't played in a Cowboy's game. "If you don't want to be out here, don't get on the bus," Ray Sherman says. "You got me?" Yessir. The thin air in Denver means Romo can overthrow TO, TO the closet physicist says. "Is there thin air in Denver? I never heard of such a thing," Campo (seriously, did he pay them to put him in a lot, or is Jason Garrett just that boring?) said. DeMarcus Ware sings "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" to his daughter on Web cam. The baby is not impressed. Some white chick at dinner doesn't know who they are, but she sure likes to rub the players. Then they fight over the check. Ooh..burn. "Picking up the check is the least of Martellus Bennett's problems." Seems Bennett is arguing now with John Garrett about his shirt. Do you know why? Because John Garrett seems about as threatening as Pee Wee Herman on Quaaludes. Grab his face mask and scream at him, something. Seriously, when he talks, if I wasn't watching the screen, I'd think I was watching a love scene in a gay porn. The coaches make them pros. Not the paychecks. You hear? Word. John Garrett, do what Brian Stewart just did. IJS. Bennett won't do that anymore. Roy Williams doesn't want to tag. He wants to hit someone. He's sad that he can't hit. Maybe you can let him hit Bennett? Keon Lattimore didn't play in the last game. "The rookie seems lost in Dallas' complicated offense," Schreiber says. In other words, he's fitting in just fine. Screw tagging, they're tackling. They don't want them to break Felix Jones. Ohhhh noooo.... Roy Williams is all like, "I'm gonna de-cleat somebody." He wants to fight. Whoa...Brad Johnson gets to speak. What's up with that? Woot! Fight. "Wherever the fight is, just know I'm in the middle of it," Romo said. Riiiiiight... Dear Tony Romo: Fight is not another word for Jessica Simpson's cleavage. Adam Jones reads his letter to the NFL begging for reinstatement. He's not going to repeat any of his bad stuff. He swears. Like, seriously. He doesn't even know if Dallas has any strip clubs, or bars, or anything. He's also pretty sure that Dallas has a gun ban. He'll be a good boy, if only they'll let him suit up and knock the crap out of people again. Love and kisses, Adam. Tank Johnson says the Denver game is "the second test man, the second test. Get off the rock, number one, use your hands, make a number two, play ball..." Seriously - we don't gotta mic everyone. Dallas gets a penalty for having 12 in the huddle. "How can we have 12 in the huddle? We only have 11 out there!" Wade says, all twitterpated. We're sucking right now. "Dwight Jenkins lost his fire," Campo says. And you guys don't have a Zippo? Ellis yells at them, and it apparently works for a scootch of a minute. Seriously - quit putting a mic on Tank Johnson. He says, "Let's go baby, eff this, let's go! Win this game! Eff this!" Johnson completes to Austin. Everybody is all excited. Then he gets injured and is done for the night. Miles Austin sad. Adam Jones doesn't look as good, Schreiber says. Then he runs like, 100 million yards and walks on water. Then he spikes the ball, and proceeds to drop the ball on every subsequent play. Martellus Bennett tries to prove he doesn't suck. John Garrett has phone sex with him. No wait, he just said good job. Lowder finally gets some playing time, and manages to impress coaches. But we're still behind scorewise. Lattimore gets a first down. Amendola managed to make a block that would've allowed for a touchdown, if Lattimore had been able to break his tackle. Then Lattimore lines up at the wrong place. Amendola moves inside, then the ball is thrown outside for an interception. Lattimore is yelling at himself on the bench. Sad, they go to Dallas. Then they find out that Miles Austin has an MCL sprain, and will be out four to six weeks. Next week: Wade says they make too many mental errors. And more Dave Campo.