Sunday, September 21, 2008
Waiting for kickoff with John "I Swear My Video Game Does Not Jinx and Lead to the Dismemberment of NFL Players" Madden. For expediency, we'll just call him Madden. Aaron Rodgers, by the by, will be known as Fauxvre throughout this blog. Mark it in your programs accordingly. Andrea Kremer talks to Tony Romo. Romo gives the standard, "Throw a lot at us, great test, lot of fun, I'm doing Jessica Simpson, blah blah blah." Nick Folk kicks, Green Bay returns to the 24 yard line. I've decided, by the way, that any opposing team kick return where we only allow them to around the 20 yard line is OK, since that's about what they'd get if they'd taken a knee in the end zone. Next run gets Fauxvre a second down, just shy of the 30 yard line. But the next run, Adam "I'm not Pacman" Jones recovers a fumble and runs. Dallas possesion at the GB 14 yard line. Nice. Incomplete to TO, third and 8. He was brought down by a guy with a broken toe. Hello? Have you not seen a Three Stooges movie ever? Step on it, Popcorn Boy. A Folk kick is good (of course) and Dallas leads 3-0. Fauxvre connects to Jennings, who gets midfield, because we've developed an aversion to tackling and running. Hello! Commercial in the middle of the freakin' play? Asphinctersayswhat? Ah, we come back, and apparently it was an injury time out for Patrick Watkins. GB 2nd and four, but then manages to pick a first down. Zach Thomas (aka Ass Stretcher Hirer) brings Lee down for a tiny yardage, and then bring down the next receiver for third and 4. Dallas time out, still first quarter, still 3-0, Dallas. Come back, Fauxvre connects to 85 for a first down at the 10ish. Tank Johnson brings down the next receiver at the line of scrimmage, second and nine. Not Pacman brings down 86 around the 10, third and six. Fauxvre is sacked at the 18 yard line by Anthony Henry, and it looks like a GB field goal, which ends up being good. Score: 3 all. Bud Light with Lime - bad idea? I say yes, Jesus hates the adultery of beer. Discuss. First Dallas carry gets us first and 10 on the 18ish. Madden is drawing all over the screen - somebody take away his crayon. Next carry doesn't get us much. A.J. Hawk - get a haircut. Second and 8, Barber carry gets a first down. TO did the block that let Barber make the run. Romo throws to Patrick "I Promise Not to Drop the Ball Again" Crayton. Crayton drops the ball. GB injury time out. I refuse to believe NFL players eat Campbells Chunky Soup. They dine on Loch Ness Monster tenderloin, fermented unicorn tears, and the neck sweat of Chuck Norris. Second and 10 Dallas on the 30ish. Barbery powers through to about the 36 yard line. But there's a flag. But then they changed their mind. Whatever. Third and five Dallas, Romo throws to Witten, close to a first down at the 41. First and 10, Felix Jones carries, second and 3. Another Jones carry gets close to the 50, and then Barber comes in. Third and one, Barber gets the first down. Side note: How did Arkansas NOT win a bowl game with both McFadden and Jones on the roster? Ugh, a Romo throw to Crayton, which Crayton throws to TO, is broken up in the end zone. Barber carries for first and 10. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand again, for a couple of yards. Second and 8, Romo overthrows to Witten in the end zone. "I think the timing was off just a little," Madden says. You think? Third and 8, Romo hits Witten for first and 10, around the 15ish. A fake to Barber F-A-I-L-S, and Romo eats turf. Second and 15, Barber runs for 5. Can what Barber does be called running? It's more like tunneling, I think. Third and 13, Romo to a freakin GB player. Collins runs forever, and is finally brought down. GB first and 10, on Dallas' 43. Fauxvre recovers his own fumble. Gawd. Second and 18, Fauxvre connects to Jennings, tackled at the 40ish. Third and seven, Fauxvre to Jennings again, first and 10. Fauxvre to Jennings is incomplete, 2nd and 10, 13:28 in the second quarter. Connects to Driver, Terence Newman tackles him and pretty much flips him ass over tits. Third and four, pass broken up, and Mason Crosby will kick for a FG, which is good. Green Bay 6, Dallas 3. Felix Jones' kick return means Dallas starts at the 20. Romo tosses it to Barber, who grabs three. Second and seven, OMG..... Romo evades a tackle, spins, throws to Barber, who fumbled, but Curtis recovered for a first down. I'm dizzy. Next carry results in second and 8 on the 50, Romo to Martellus Bennett, but broken up by GDGB. Third down and 8, Romo's sacked at the 46 yard line. McBriar shanks it at the 29 yard line. No love for him. By the way, this is my thing, adopted from a friend's thing. The punter gets no love. Ever. Said friend only purchases the punter's jerseys, because of this - he feels bad for them. So punters should get more love. Unless they shank it. Then they get no love. NO love. Packer alumni weekend. Hmm....something's missing. Or someone, rather. Who is missing? Hmm.... Fauxvre was run out of bounds, and chucks it to the Dallas bench. They can't catch it there, either. Second and 10, Fauxvre runs to avoid a sack, throws for hardly any yardage. Penalty though, against GB, 10-yard penalty. Second and 20, no yardage to speak of, then third and 16, Fauxvre throw to Jennings to get them within punting distance. Jones catches, a bajillion flags for lord only knows what. I'm waiting. Dallas gets a 10 yard penalty for illegal block in the back. Dallas first and 10, Barber tunnels to the 22, Dallas first down. Another Barber carry gains some yardage. Second and 4, Romo connects to TO at the 40, for a first down. Felix Jones runs 60 yards for a TD. Please allow a brief pause for a Hog Call. Folk's kick is good for the extra point. Dallas 10, Green Boogers 6. First and 10 GB, Grant gets enough yardage for second and seven. Grant carries to about the 20, but not enough for a first down. Grant does not equal Barber, IJS. Third and three, Fauxvre throws under pressure and almost into the arms of Canty, but instead it will just be an incomplete. OK, during this commercial, I have to say this: Mac and cheese with bacon is gross. I will pay to never see that commercial again. Also, is it really lazy to find your watch, realize it's an hour behind, but then decide to just mentally add an hour because it's kinda close to Daylight Savings, and you'll just have to change it back? First and 10 Dallas, Barber brought down short of a first down. Second and 7, Barber makes no gain. Why is Barber's jersey the only one with grass stains? Romo throws to Witten on the 23, first down. Is it just me, or did Romo have like, an hour to throw that? Hah...Madden agrees. Barber brought down at the 20. Two minute warning. Note to Fauxvre: Never shave that scruffy beard thing you've got going. They showed your team photo. You look like you're 12. Second and seven, Romo hits Curtis, who makes it shy of the first down. Third down and inches, Barber makes the first down at the 12. First and 10, Romo throws to Barber, who is brought down on the 5. Dallas takes a time out with 30 seconds left on the clock. Second and four, Romo is sacked at the 20, and fumbles, but Adams recovered it. Flozell, I forgive you in advance for your future false start penalty. Dallas time out, seconds left in the first half. Third and 20, no more time outs, Romo throws to the end zone, to nobody in particular. Folk will kick a field goal, which is good. Dallas 13, GB 6 at the half. OK, notes at the half: Flozell, glad you got that fumble recovery, but if you're close enough to fall on the ball, you're close enough to block a sack, IJS. That being said, offense needs to keep GB tied up so Romo isn't sacked, Romo needs to not look down when he has to run under pressure (because he always ends up over/under throwing, or fumbling, or getting sacked), and we need to continue that Barber/Jones rotation. Defense needs to force more turnovers. We've had no interceptions. NONE. In the entire season so far. Flipped briefly to the Emmy's. Don Rickles is hilarious. I love him. He's completely tearing apart the Emmy writers for the stupid lines they're forced to say. OK....game is back. Felix Jones takes a knee in the end zone, Dallas will start at the 20. Barber gets the handoff for an eight yard run just shy of the first down. Second and two, Barber collects the first down, and has currently carried for 96 yards. Witten catches and moves to the 40ish before being run out of bounds. Second and four, Barber forced down at the 40. Third and five, Romo overthrows to Owens. McBriar punt is caught, GB gets to about the 10ish before being brought down by Martellus Bennett. GB first and 10, handoff to Grant gets them second and five. Next pass gets them to first and 10. Jackson carries the next, and evades several tackles to get second and two on the 34. Jackson is brought down at the 37 for another first down. First and 10, Grant to the 41 yard line. Second and six, Demarcus Ware takes down the receiver at the line of scrimmage. Third and five, Fauxvre completes to Driver for a 50-yarder and first and goal. Handoff to Grant gets them to the six yard line. Second and goal, Fauxvre pressured by Ware all the way to the sidelines. Henry sacks Fauxvre for a loss, fourth down. Crosby kicks a FG for 3. Dallas 13, GB 9. Jones was brought down at the 20 to begin this drive. Play fake, Romo throws to Witten for second down and five. Woodson has been alllllllllll over TO, so not much action from him tonight. Barber carries for first and 10. Romo throws a bomb to Miles Austin, who is finally brought down at the three. Needless to say, first and goal. Barber gets to about the two on the next carry. Second and goal, Barber runs it in. Dallas 20, GB 9. NBC just showed a replay of TO's reaction to a teammate's bloody injury. TO does not like blood, apparently, judging from the grimace. Madden on cheese making: "They just have the cows a mile away, and then they bring them in to make the cheese." He also ponders how someone decided to make and eat cheese. I hope someone Tivo'd that. First couple of GB possessions get them to third and seven on the 24ish, when a flag is called on GB for a false start. Third and 12, Ratliff just sacks Fauxvre, and then does what I am now calling the Hulk. Dallas ball, a throw to Jones gets Dallas second and 15. Flag thrown, intentional grounding by Romo. Third and 25, 47 seconds left in the third quarter. Under pressure, Romo overthrows Barber. McBriar punts a monster kick, and a flag on the offense. McBriar kicked 65 yards, gets to about the 25. Then everyone starts fighting and flags are all over the place. Penalty on GB because of Finley (unnecessary roughness) costs them 1/2 the distance of the goal. GB starts at the 13, Grant carry for not much of a gain at the end of the third quarter. Second and five, start of the fourth quarter, Fauxvre connects with Jennings for a first down, Henry brings him down at the 26ish for first and 10. Fauxvre is forced by Ellis to run to the sidelines for a gain of a couple of yards. Next carry is a couple of yards shy of the first down. Third and two at the 35, pass to Driver incomplete. Punt is sent to the end zone, Dallas will start at the 20. Jones carries to about the 22. Second and eight, Jones carry to about the 32 for first down. First and 10, Romo throws to Austin, but it's broken up by GB. Second and 10, Romo runs and tosses it to Jones to the 35 yard line. Third and seven, Barber's back in, Romo throws to Witten to the 45 for the first down. Barber to the 42. Second and 10, Romo is incomplete. Two flags - holding and intentional grounding on Dallas. Third and 20, another Romo bomb to Miles Austin - again! - for a TD. Romo throws 52 yards, btw. Dallas 27, GB 9. "I Hate Myself for Loving You," to go out to commercial? Really? GB kick return gets them toward the midfield, but two flags. Holding on GB. "Panama" to go out to commercial. So GB gets Van Halen, and the Cowboys get um, that? Really? GB first and 10 on the 20ish, Demarcus Ware forces Fauxvre to throw, pass incomplete. Second and 10, incomplete. Third and 10, incomplete. Pass to Martellus Bennett jogs - or maybe it's yogs - for a gain of 37 yards and first down. Barber gets 12 yards to the 22 for another first down. First and 10, Barber picks up a couple of yards. When did Madden fall in love with Witten and solidify his man-crush? When he ran for 30 something yards after his helmet popped off. Barber to the 13. Barber runs pretty much horrizontal, gets tackled, ball stays in bounds, recovered by Blackmon. GB ball. I do not get this Frank TV guy. I do not. He's not funny. NOT FUNNY. It's like he's supplanted that whole "you might be a redneck" thing, and people think he's hilarious. He's not. Make him stop. Fauxvre connects with Jennings for a gain of five at the 20ish. A second throw gets them to the 30, first and 10. Four minutes left, first and 10 at the 49. Jennings run out of bounds for another first down at the 28. Fauxvre connects with Jackson, but flags are thrown. Holding on the offense costs GB 10 yards. First and 20, Fauxvre overthrows. Second and 20, pass incomplete, flags thrown. Offsides on Dallas. "All you've got to do is get on that guy," Madden says. Anything you want to tell us? Second and 15, Lee gets to the 23. Third and five, 3:15 left in the game. Nelson on the catch for first down. Overthrow with an almost interception (dirty look at Dallas - INTERCEPTIONS). Second and 10, Nelson catches at the two. First and goal, Fauxvre is forced to throw and misses. But a holding on Hamlin gives them first and goal. Fauxvre keeper gets into the end zone. Madden's predicting an onside kick. Score now, Dallas 27, GB 16. OK, onside kick fails. Dallas on the 34 yard line to start drive. Barber gains one on the play. GB takes a time out. The success rate for onside kicks? About 12 percent, according to footballcommentary.com, and that's for anticipated onside kicks. Also, the last time the Cowboys started 3-0 in consecutive seasons, I was burping a liquid diet and fouling my pants. Dallas turns the ball over on downs. Fauxvre throws to Driver, then blocks, then Driver throws to Nelson, who runs out of bounds. I'm not sure that's gonna work, but it was crazy to watch. GB gets a penalty, five yards from the original line of scrimmage. First and 15 at the 20, Lee catches and gets to the 30. Driver catches at the 37, and Fauxvre calls a time out to stop the clock. Second and 10, Fauxvre completely misses. Third and 10, another miss. Next carry for a gain, but second and Fauxvre gets sacked for a loss. Third and 22, 27 seconds left in the game. Fauxvre is almost sacked, throw to Nelson is incomplete. Fourth and 22, 18 seconds left. Jackson catch is shy of a first down. 10 seconds left in the game, Dallas ball. Romo takes a knee. Final: Dallas 27, GB 16, and the first Cowboys win in Lambeau Field.