Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Hard Knocks: The Speaking of Train Wrecks Edition

So I just watched Sarah Palin's speech, and now I'm watching Hard Knocks. I will only blog about one, because the other makes me want to punch kittens in the head really hard. Thanks, Liev, for reminding me we haven't won a friggin' Super Bowl in a bajillion years. You guys better happy this up in a hurry. I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE SAY NEWK-YOO-LAR through her nose whilst doing a vicious harpy impression. Oh wait, I said I wouldn't write about that. At this point, there have been cuts. At the Cowboys. Todd Lowber may get to stay, because other people have owies. And he can run. Danny Amendola said something and I blew my nose. Do you want me to rewind? Witten says this last game of the preseason is important and stuff. Amendola said he'll be happy even if he gets cut, because he knows he was aggressive and went all out. He also sent Jerry a nice fruit basket. JerryBob is waiting to hear from NFL commish Roger Goodell on whether or not Adam Jones is reinstated. Spoiler alert: He so was. Sorry if I ruined that for you. They're wrapping Sam Hurd in bubble wrap right now to protect him before the real season starts. Awww.....Demarcus Ware sings that "head shoulders" song to his kid again. This time she looks a little more impressed. Then she pooped her pants. So there's that. "For Tony Romo, there will be no off weeks ..." Wanna bet? Did you know ToRo hasn't won a playoff game? Ever? Whisky Tango Foxtrot - did they just compare him to Peyton Manning? ToRo likes the preseason, because like, he's getting all those super dope live video chats with Jessica whilst she strips. He thinks the preseason is "the most funnest." Wade does jog. Or something. Now they're dancing in the locker room, led by TO. But not Tank. He's a heavy lifter. He will rip Chuck Norris' head off. He's that tough. He wants to be consistent. He wants to be in the Pro Bowl. Ciskowski - we're playing football. Quit talking about strike outs and baseball. Duh. Ew...Tank with a wad between his gum and lip. Nast-ay. Martellus Bennet is still effing up. John Garrett wants to kneecap him in the groin, you can just tell. "High and tight across your chest." If I had a $1 for everytime someone said that to me... Dude ... John Garrett just said Metroplex. Wick Allison is having lamentations and heart palpitations right now. we really want Keon Lattimore "following in the footsteps of his older brother, Ray Lewis?" Discuss. Skip Peete likes Lattimore. "He can do some nice stuff." Wade says they've got to get their minds right. Whatever the heck and hades that means. Oooh...DPD cop cars sighted as Pacman finds out he gets reinstated. Now he's walking toward Hooters, I just know it. Well, right after he talks to the media, and runs that five year old from Denton out of his favorite booth. Emmitt Smith shows up in the locker room, and shows ToRo how to cha cha. Spears thinks he made the team, because he can read his jersey. Ooh...Wade said, "don't go through this with some bullshit attitude. Let's go kick some ass!" I will kick ass for Wade. And Jesus. Oh wait... that's the GOP convention. My bad. The Cowboys are just gonna kick football Viking ass. Sam Hurd is limping, because the bubble wrap no worky worky. He can't raise up on his toes, which ruins his ballet career. He's distraught. "Be aggressive," TO says to nobody in particular. Nobody totally pays attention. Lowber dorks out and begs Richard Bartel to throw the ball to him. Everyone is gay for Felix Jones, not so much for Lattimore. Phillips is pissed he didn't make a first down before running out of bounds. Bennett does more gooder. Amendola doesn't, but then does, with a key block for a TD. Now they're being told by Wade that they played the last preseason game ever in Texas Stadium. I spy with my little eye, a mullet. Make it stop. Hurd does have a high ankle sprain and will be out for about four weeks, probably. "It don't hurt my mindframe," he said. Pacman goes fishing with Deion. But he's so gonna be busted by Dwaine Carraway if he doesn't pull them britches up. "Here fishy fishy," Pacman said. Gawd. Both Pacman and Deion agree that Deion is like his dad. Then Deion tells him he should call Goodell to thank him. "I wrote a letter," Jones said. "You want a letter from Oprah, or a call?" Deion said. "You need to call him, it would be really nice." This concludes this episode of "NFL Etiquette with Deion Sanders." Cold hearted. If you're not allowed in the facility, you're cut. I had an employer like that once. If the door code was changed, and you weren't alerted, you were canned. Lattimore is cut, and can be on the practice squad if nobody picks him up. Wade is gonna cry, like a Vet at a GOP convention during a Huckabee speech. Lowber is cut. They jerked the notebooks clean out of his hands before he cleared the doorway. Coooooooold. Wade curls up in his coat closet in a fetal position and weeps hysterically, sucking his thumb. They still have eight to cut. Amendola is still sitting there. "It's amazing how fewer guys you have, you know?" Bob Decherd says as he surveys the newsroom. No wait, I mean, says Wade Phillips as he watches practice. Amendola gets kicked to the practice squad. So does Bartel. They're waiting to find out if they get picked up on waivers. Jerry sits Amendola down to explain how he could get traded, or stay on the practice squad, because "nine times out of 10, if somebody gets hurt, that's where we go first." Philly wants Amendola for its practice squad, but he cleared waivers and he's going to be on the Cowboy's practice squad. Amendola loves Dallas. OK, they're partying at TO's, and he makes them take off their shoes, but they can dance around with a drink in their hands. Hi, TO. I'd like to explain gravity and the color white to you. "Right now is real," Buddha, I mean, Wade says. Hey....there's the guy who hires his own ass stretcher. Hi, Ass Stretcher Hirer. The Dallas Cowboys expect to win a Super Bowl. ToRo promises he's sent Jessijinx on tour for her "country album." Now, much like the Dallas Morning News in its entirety, the Cowboys are a 53-man team. Woot - gratuitus shirtless muscle-flex shot of TO, who closes the episode with, "People, getcha popcorn ready."