Monday, September 15, 2008


Monday. Night. Football. In a show of solidarity, I shook my fist and farted in the general direction of Philly shortly before the game. Not ladylike, I know, but I needed to show my support. This is a rivalry, and I shall be rivalrylicious. I also made (read: nuked) queso and made the spectacular effort of pouring salsa in a bowl and opening a bag of chips (btw, El Milagro chips are the best chips ever. Period. Don't try to argue.). I don't know who is singing the National Anthem, but she's got a) a Tammy Faye-esque amount of makeup on and b) is doing Dollar Store Mariah Carey, complete with the finger zig zag and the head bob. Fact: 47 states out of 50 think the Cowboys will win tonight. We're doomed. We all know the popular vote doesn't count. Ugh....the intro features Jessica Simpson in her pink jersey. Kickoff is about to happen in God's stadium, that we're about to tear down. Donovan McNabb (heretofore know as Whatever) totally misses his first throw. Way to go, Whatever. He connects with Westbrook for a first down on his next throw, and hands off on the next play for next to no yardage. Westbrook catch with a Zach Thomas (ass stretched, presumably) tackle to bring him down. Nice tackle by Demarcus "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" Ware to bring down Westbrook. Anthony Henry brings down Jackson, ball pops loose after, but it's ruled an incomplete. Philly punks out and kicks a field goal, then goes back to the sidelines to watch Tony Romo. Score: Philly: A womanly 3 points, Dallas: infinite scoring opportunities Felix Jones (Wooo Pig Sooey!) makes a lovely kick return, but we lose 10 yards because someone got a holding penalty. In all fairness, the Eagles look like the types that require a lot of holding, and maybe some spooning, too. Note to Romo: Jason Witten is awesome, yes. But he can't catch a football with his face. No thumbs there. If there were, I bet his wife wou...nevermind. Next throw to T.O. connects at the 30. First and 10. Suck it, Philly. Barber's not doing a lot of penetrating. I have a dirty joke here, I know it. Wooooot... TD when Romo connects with TO for a 72-yarder. Only Jerry Rice has more TD receptions now. Suck it, Whatever. Score: Philly: Girly 3, Dallas 7 Now Whatever is gonna go back on the field and drive his team to the 30. Whatever wants to beat TO now. WTF - Greg Lewis caught the ball, then threw himself down on the field around the 50. Um, try running, or were you worried you'd muss your hair? Bradie James on Westbrook? Why? Why? Beer, or iced tea? Holy crap, incomplete, but nearly a fumble. Nervous, Whatever? Another incomplete. I smell a field goal attempt. Hah! I'm right. Score: Dallas 7, Eagles two stupid field goals. You do the math. Whatever, how does it feel to have special teams do all the work for you because you throw like Aunt Bea at a sewing circle? Run Felix Jones....all the way.....TD. Romo didn't even have to throw. TD on a kick return. Bite it, Philly. Oh, and wooooo Pig Sooey! Score: Dallas 14, Women: Still two measly field goals Whatever, after a cookie and a juice box, toddles out to the field, flummoxed. "You spilled my macchiato!" he says. Westbrook manages a first down on a Whatever toss. Eagles get no traction, and the ball pretty much immediately goes back to the Cowboys. Doh...interception. Romo, dude. White and blue, not green. NOT GREEN. Whatever throws down to the end zone, but Greg Lewis no catchy catchy. Eagles will have the ball on the one when the second quarter begins. BTW, Greg Lewis was all handsy with Anthony Henry, not the other way around. So now the Eagles get this touchdown handed to them. It's kinda like one of those kids rodeos where everyone gets a trophy, because "everyone's a winner." Score: Dallas: a righteous 14, Philly: two lousy field goals and a TD that was gift wrapped. Who the fugg allowed Stanback to do a kick return. And WTF Romo? Twice? TWICE? TD Eagles. Eagles: WTF 20, Dallas: 14 Excuse me, I need to bang my head on the coffee table right now. Thank God. Felix Jones manages a decent kick return. OK...handing off to Barber isn't helping. He's being pulled down at the line of scrimmage, give or take a couple yards. Next one connects to Witten for some yardage, and one to Felix Jones gets a few more. Just keep Felix Jones in. Please, please, please. Holy cow, a catch by Martellus Bennett gets a first down. The rookies are tearing it up. "Everybody's playing with their hair on fire," commentator says. Dallas time out. I'm going to suck my thumb under the coffee table, in fetal position, for a few minutes. Ugh, we're back. Barber again. Once again, no gain. I know he's getting double teamed.....I spoke too soon. On the second carry, Barber got the ball to within spitting distance of the end zone. Romo connects to TO for his second TD of the night. Suck it, Whatever. Score: Dallas 21, incredibly lucky Eagles 20. Eagles start this drive on the 28 yard line. Ratliff gets the first sack of the night, totally spilling Whatever's macchiato. Crap...TD. Eagles as McNabb flings a 61-yard to Jackson, for possibly a TD. Cowboys are asking for a review of the play, and whadda know, Jackson threw the ball down before he entered the end zone. Replay seems to indicate that, which makes Jackson a ginormous idiot. Hahahaha....Philly's finest. Ref's rule it was not a TD. Eagles are now on the two yard line, first and goal. Next play does result in a diving TD. Score: Dumbasses 27, Dallas 21. Dallas takes a knee in the end zone to start on the 20. Look! Westbrook has to settle for the team ass stretchers. Romo connects to Owens for a huge gain, then we get a flag. Of course. Broken record: Barber carry for no yards. Second and 20. Romo to Patrick "I promise I'm not going to drop the football" Crayton, who then drops the football but catches it again. You're on notice, Crayton. An incomplete by Romo means a Cowboy punt. Whatever connects to Whocares at the 40. Greg Ellis, much like a poacher in the Serengeti, drops an Eagle where he stands. Can I just say that our D needs to do a little bit better job at sacking the bejeezus out of Whatever? It makes me happy. Canty brings down Westbrook at the line of scrimmage. Eagles second and two. Jerry Jones looks nervous. A Whatever hurl to the end zone totally misses everyone. But Dallas gets a penalty that gives the Eagles a first down at the 20. Westbrook was knocked back behind the line of scrimmage. I'm really getting tired of this "Where's Waldo" stuff from the announcers. Once is funny, twice is mildly amusing, three times is old. OK. When we tackle Whatever, we need to make sure Whatever stays tackled, IJS. Westbrook is allowed to run dangerously close to the end zone before being stopped. Second and goal, Jones runs Booker out of bounds before scoring. Third and goal. Even if they don't make a TD here, I smell a field goal attempt. McNabb was brought down around the five. Hah... I'm right again. Dallas calls a time out before the Eagles send out the kicker. Field goal good. Score: Whatever 30, Dallas 21, with 45 seconds left in the first half. Felix Jones is brought down at the 29-yard line, with 39 seconds left in the game. Cowboys first and 10. I want to wet my pants. Witten grabs two yards. Less than 20 seconds left on the clock, Romo throws to Witten again to get the Cowboys within field goal range, and calls a time out. Jerry's down on the sidelines now. Folk is gonna kick, and it's good. A 54-yarder, BTW. Score at the first half: Ugh 20, Dallas 24. OK. Second half: Dallas needs to anticipate Whatever better on the defensive side, and Romo needs to quit farking dropping the ball. Philly just needs to die. Friend Amy's analysis: "How did we go from Felix's run to Romo's fumble? This game is like dinner with a manic depressive speed freak that keeps crashing after bumps of coke. YAY! NO! WOO! DAMN! AHHHHHH!" (Yes, I'm live blogging, instant messaging on Facebook, AND I'm about to drink. I'm a multitasker. It comes with the ovaries. If one of you posts that this is why Sarah Palin should be VP, I'm going to have to consign you to the bowels of Philly.) Now drinking amaretto and club soda, and poking my crudely-fashioned Whatever voodoo doll with red-hot pins. Run Barber, run! First and 20. Romo throws to nobody in particular, and nobody catches. Second and 20. Barber carries for a loss. Third and 22. Mother effing eff eff eff...Bennett catches, Dawkins knocks it away. I hate you, Dawkins. May your man parts rot off, and your woman leave you for Donald Rumsfeld. Who wants to drive down and punch the announcers for fawningly saying, "The Magic is back..." about Whatever? Now we punt...BTW - what the hell happened to Suzy Kolber's hair? Ratliff stop for Eagles second and 10. And seriously, why are these people talking about how great Whatever is? The score would be 24-21 Dallas if special teams hadn't helped out three times. I love amaretto. I do. Romo connects to Witten. We're third and two. Not to sound like a boy on prom night, but would it be too much to ask to score sometime? First and 10 on the 30ish. Second and 10, hand off to Barber for a first down. Curtis moved so we have a stupid effing flag. But Philly got a personal foul for unnecessary roughness. Our foul goes bye bye, and we get an automatic first down. Romo connects with Barber for a first down and more. Second and 10, hand off to Barber gets Dallas to a body length from another first down. A throw to Barber nets a TD. Suck it, Feebles. Score: Dallas 31, Whatever 30. Eagles brought down somewhere around the 35ish, I think. I was gazing fondly at my amaretto, which doesn't suck, unlike the Eagles. I'd like someone to knock Whatever back to the 20. While they're on the 50. That would make me happy, and be totally worth the UR call. throw gets dropped by the intended receiver. Second and 10. Next throw to 84 is short of the first down. Gawd..."He put the biscuit in the Baskett." Shut. Up. First down Eagles at the 50ish. First and 10. Zach Thomas breaks up the next play. L.J. Smith DENIED. Second and 10. First down on the 35. First and 10, fumble by Westbrook, finally recovered by Westbrook back at the 46ish. Second and 22. Shovel toss to Westbrook and a run to the 29ish, but there's like 50 flags. We get a facemask, they get an automatic first down to the red zone. Fourth quarter will start with a Philly drive. Roy Williams and Watkins are out. Whatever connects, just shy of the end zone. First and freaking goal, Philly. Next play results in a Philly TD. Score: Bite me 37, Dallas 31. About 14 and change in the fourth, kick return by Jones gets Dallas some decent field position. We need to score, obviously, but it would also be nice to perhaps get a two-point conversion? Romo throws in Witten's general direction, but mostly just throws it to the sidelines. Awesome! Second and freaking 10. Barber gets it, runs to midfield to Eagle's 44 before being brought down. Romo manages the throw before getting hit. First and 10. Witten powers on the next play to neaaarly the first down. Barber gets the first down. "You know how good this game is? We haven't even mentioned Jessica Simpson," announcers say. Eff Ewe. Romo overthrows to Witten, just off his fingertips. Eff me. Second and 10. Felix Jones manages to get juuuuuust past the line of scrimmage. Third and effing 8. Witten catch, but he's pushed past the line of scrimmage. Folk's gonna try for a FG and it's good. Score: Eff You 37, Dallas 34 Amy: hey here's an idea....lets guard westbrook. He seems to get the ball alot. Whaddya say? Grr... Me: I want Westbrook to get a groin pull. Yes. A groin pull. Amy: Dude. I want Westbrook and McNabb to get concussions. I'm done being nice. Me: A groin pull means no victory sex, or no consolation sex. Evil. Amy: ohhh, i like the way your mind works. Back from commercial, Eagles get a stupid kick return into Cowboy territory. Nine and change left in the fourth, and the Eagles have possession. If we can keep them from scoring... Whatever lost the ball....and they're peeling players off to discover it's...a...Cowboy ball. Which sounds dirty. But I'm so freakin' happy right now, I don't care. Romo throws to Crayton to get a first at near the 50. Barber gets them a yard on the next carry. Second and 9, to Miles Austin just shy of the first down. Third and three, Austin gets the first down. First and 10, connect to Witten, first and goal Dallas. Suck it, Dawkins! Ugggggh....throw to TO miss, but there's a flag. Defensive pass interference, ball was tipped. First and goal automatically. Barber is close but unable to crawl through to the end zone. Second and goal, Barber walks in. Score: Dallas 41, Dawkins Can Get a Groin Pull 37 OK. Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please please please do not let the Eagles score a touchdown, but let them chew up a lot of time on the clock. Whatever misses, second and 10, the Eagles can bite me. Westbrook brought down on the line of scrimmage. Illegal block on Philly, who is now second and long. L.J. Smith catches, but not enough for a first down. Third and eight. Whatever fails to connect with Westbrook. Fourth and eight. Philly kicks, Jones returns for not bad position, but an illegal block by Dallas starts them at just shy of the 20. Three and change left in the fourth quarter. Barber carries close to the 30. We need to, at this point, chew up some time on the clock. Philly takes a time out. Third and three, Romo misses Barber, who was wide open. We punt. Eagles will start this drive close to their own 30, 2:36 left in the game. Penalty puts them more like the 18ish. First throw incomplete. Second and 10, Whatever runs for the first. Two minute warning creeps up. A stupid facemask by Ratliff will take the Eagles to the 48. First and 10 Eagles. Sack him! Thank you! Creepy. Let's try this again. Miss it! Thank you! Fumble! OK, sack. I'll take that, too. Sack for a loss, even better. Eagles time out. A hook and ladder was nice, but no cigar as Dallas forces Philly out of bounds before the first down. Turn over on downs, Dallas ball with less than a minute in the game. One more snap, and a knee. Cowboys, bitches! America's team 41, America's armpit 37