Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Obama's on the Telebizshuns

And I shall live blog. We're gazing on MSNBC, which is rolling out a people meter. Wonkette is advocating drinking your way through this. 8:02 p.m. - SCOTUS walks in. Ginsburg is so not dead. Suck it, Bunning. 8:03 p.m. - Olbermann points out Ginsburg is here. Chris Matthews says you have to be careful when you talk about someone's health. 8:04 p.m. - Can I just say Michelle Obama is kinda smokin' tonight? Are you supposed to be smokin' for the whatever address of the whatsis this is? 8:05 p.m. - Bang Bang Nancy's wooden hammer goes down on someone's hand! Cabinet is walking in. OK, seriously, when did Hillary Clinton start walking around with that wide eyed, just-been-goosed look? And I'm sorry, Vilsack sounds like something else. Something more juvenile, something near nether regions of men. IJS 8:07 p.m. - Rahm Emanuel is in the hizzie! Please, please, please drop an F-bomb, Rahm! 8:08 p.m. - Chris Matthews says that his embargoed copy of Obama's speech has him trying to step away from his inherited shitstorm, and doing something else. Indeed. He's supposed to say if he had been president earlier, none of this shit would've gone down, and we'd all be bricking our homes in bars of pure gold. WORD. 8:10 p.m. - Note to Olbermann: Reckoning is not a strong, dangerous word. Regurgitation is a strong, dangerous word. Flatulence is a strong, dangerous word. Pregnant is a strong, dangerous word. Now Obama's been introduced. People are touching him. This is why I could never be president. I don't want 40 freaking people rubbing on me. It also puts the kibosh on a porn career, btw. 8:13 p .m. - Awww...big hug for Ginsberg. Olbermann is marveling on the kiss between Obama and HC, and how crazy astronaut diaper lady crazy that is. 8:15 p.m. - Obama speaks. People clap. Congress glad they didn't approve Bush's suggestion they install this in chambers. A bit of confusion about who's supposed to talk first - Pelosi or The Obama. 8:17 p.m. - MO got the giggles when The Obama introduced her. How cute. BTW, Pelosi - the costume department from "The DaVinci Code" called, they want their monk outfit back. Obama says we're in a recession. Obama says we'll rebuild and recover. Everyone claps! Woo! Recover! "The weight of this crisis won't determine the destiny of this nation." Unless everything continues to go to hell in a handbasket, and China forecloses on us. 8:20 p.m. - I do not like the people meater. There is no meat, and no people. Just red and blue lines that don't do anything. Oh noes! The country flatlined! Get the cart! 8:22 p.m. - Lenders suck, Obama says. Good news: Obama wants to find everyone a job. Bad news: It may involve the phrase, "Do you want fries with that?" Woo! Economy something something investment something act is now law! The Republicans won't get up. Obama gave them the stink eye. Guess who's getting flaming bags of poop on their doorsteps tonight? Apparently, bipartisanship only works when the Republicans are in charge. Wee! Tax cuts. But they're for poor people, so the Republicans don't like them. McCain is looking at Obama, and his blue line went down. That sounds dirty, which makes it sound way more interesting than it actually was. Basically, nobody likes you, John, and you should just get over it. 8:26 p.m. - Obama is going to kick Tom Leppert's ass. 8:28 p.m. - Obama says the banks are fraidy cats, and he's going to have to make them wet. Or something. Honestly, I was busy watching Pelosi make faces. Business loans for entrepreneurs. Finally, I can start that newspaper. 8:29 p.m. - Americans can refinance their mortgages, unless they're speculators or dumbasses. 8:30 p.m. - Wall Street is gonna have to put on their big boy pants, and deal with the fact that banks won't be getting no-strings bailout money. Finally, Republicans stand and clap. Pelosi is totally doing sudoku back there. 8:32 p.m. - Bush's bailout sucked major donkey butt, and Obama's bailout is better because he's not going to govern out of anger, and he's gonna solve the problem. Or something. Bailout is "not about helping banks, it's about helping people." 8:34 p.m. - Utopian Economics for Dummies. Obama wants to reform the outdated U.S. regulatory system. And he wants to reduce national debt. He's going to submit a budget to Congress, or a vision for America. It's not going to solve every problem, so go get the cheese to go with your whine. 8:37 p.m. - He wants to be a catalyst for free enterprise, something something. New Deal! FDR! NEW DEAL! He's focusing on energy, health care and education with the budget. This makes everyone happy in the chamber. Yay! Basically, the U.S. is stupid because we don't promote clean energy, and America should lead in this instead of letting China do it all. Or Japan. Or wherever. He wants to build the bat-trees here, you dig? Clean energy needs to be profitable. Wants to do cap and trade on carbon, like those crazy Canucks. Pelosi's crazy rolling eyes are bothering me. Auto industry won't die, because it can't. So there. "This is America. We don't do what's easy, we do what's necessary to move this country forward." Health care expenses cause bankruptcies. People are losing their health insurance. Jill Biden is worried. Health care reform is important. Everybody is up and clapping. "A-hole. That was my idea. Good luck with all that, these are crazy bastages," Hillary Clinton is clearly thinking. 8:44 p.m. - Obama's gonna cure cancer. "Shit," every congressman just thought, "He wants me to work.Next week? WTF?" Obama says health care reform must not wait another year. I think I heard Hillary Clinton snort. 8:46 p.m. - People have to go to college to get jobs. It's a prescription for economic decline, Obama says, because other nations are freakin' smarter than us. Obama wants to educate your baby in utero. Obama wants us to commit to a year or more of higher education, so he doesn't have to be ashamed of us. "Dropping out of high school is no longer an option. It's no longer quitting on yourself, it's quitting on your country." Play the patriot card! If you volunteer, we'll send you to college. The something something bill is named after Orrin Hatch, who looks kinda surprised, and Edward Kennedy. Everybody loves that. 8:51 p.m. - The National Debt is bad. Everyone applauds. "See, I know we can get some consensus in here." "With the deficit we inherited" somehow gets everyone up and clapping and cheering. Schumer wet himself. 8:54 p.m. - we're rooting out waste in senior citizens. That's all on you, Obama. If your family makes less than $250,000, you wn't get a tax increase. You'll get a tax cut, bitches! Ooh...not everyone gets up and claps. Will go back later on the replay on CSPAN and find out which legislators hate poor people. 8:57 p.m. - Obama says he's gonna examine both wars, and find a way to leave Iraq to its people. Everyone claps and stands again, and the camera pans on McCain, who clearly thinks, "Crap, they like that. FINE, I'm standing." Yay! Soldiers! Big claps! Standing O for soldiers. Budget increases the number of soldiers and Marines, and expands care and benefits for vets. Obama ordered the closing of Gitmo, and says we have to be an example. "Living our values doesn't make us weaker, it makes us safer and it makes us stronger... The United States of America does not torture." Unless, of course, it involves pre-empting a night of TV to make old white guys stand up and sit down repeatedly. 9:02 p.m. - The eyes of peoples are upon us, but the camera is aimed at Chesley Sullenberger. Inspiration comes from ordinary Americans. Bank dude gave his $600,000 bonus to the people who worked for him. He gets a standing ovation. Greensburg, Kansas, is being rebuilt to maximize green energy. Tornados provide opportunity. Michelle Obama is sitting next to some kid at some South Carolina school Obama visited where a train goes through it 11 times a day and there's no roof. She typed a letter to Congress asking for help. "We are not quitters," she said. And now she gets a hug from MO. And a standing O. "Every American sitting here tonight loves this country and wants it to succeed," he tells the chamber. "Crap," all the sitters think. "Way to make me look like a schmuck, Barry." Is Pelosi smiling because she likes what Obama's saying, or because he's done? 9:08 p.m. - God...he's done. Am I liveblogging the GOP Fungasm to follow? No.