American Idol: Let the Live Blogging Commence

OK, lemme say first that I didn't roll in until 7:17 because of a Braum's related culinary emergency. So I'm starting with Kris Allen's performance on Motown Week. First, has Smokey Robinson made a deal with Satan? I don't think he's aged in 30 years. As for Allen, no, Kara, he didn't do James Taylor. He did John Mayer doing James Taylor. Sure, it was pleasant, but when is someone gonna call him on that? Simon just read Paula's lines. "Believe in yourself?" Really? Up next? Scott, at the piano, of course, despite Paula's request last week that the blind guy move around the stage more. After the break, Scott basically says he's not gonna dance around the stage because he'll die. So he sings "You Can't Hurry Love." Smokey liked it. I think it sounds like every damned thing he ever sings. My prediction? America kept him on just long enough for him to be able to be on the tour. He goes this week, or next. This just sounds Branson-esque. "I think you pleased both Simon and I," Paula said. That's all I could actually understand. But I know Simon doesn't look pleased. "Oh dear," he said. Simon hates it. Dear lord...I almost always agree with Simon. I clearly need to start wearing my black t shirts tighter. Holy moly. Randy agrees, too. "Hotel sounding," he said. Kara was glad he brought tempo, but he raped the melody or something. I dunno. I tend to zone out when she talks. Paula and Simon get into it, and then Paula gives Simon a coloring book and crayons. Then SeacrestOUT explains to a clearly flummoxed Scott what the heck is going on. And I feel like I need a Silkwood shower after watching all that. Now Megan, who has kind of this Duffy thing going with her voice, maybe with a little Adele in there. She's gonna sing, "For Once in My Life." I know it may not be the most popular choice, but I really like this girl, if she could get past the weird dancing thing she likes to throw into everything. Wait..is she barefoot? Anyway...Paula's dancing, but I'm pretty sure she dances to the toilet flushing. Whoa...Randy says it's a train wreck. Kara doesn't either. She thinks she should've done "My Guy." Paula, "Your stunning beauty just takes my breath away...." but she agrees that it wasn't the right song. Simon hates, too. C'mon guys...it wasn't THAT horrible. OK, during commercial, I should discuss my usual Idol blogging from last year. It was a performer by performer breakdown, complete with quotes from the judges and handicapping for the results show. I promise to do that next week, but this week, it's gonna be pretty freeform. And I really mean next week will look like last season's blogging, because I adore trying to figure out what Paula Abdul is saying. I'm nearly always wrong, but the results are hilarious. Also, I have to say that so far, I really don't think this crowd is as strong as last seasons. By this time last year, there was a clear, definitive front running group. This time, I feel meh about everyone. Last year was the dessert buffet - Ooh! Cheesecake? Eclairs? Black Forest Cake? SIGN ME UP. This year? Green bean bar. Anoop has stones. He's going to sing "Baby, Baby." IN FRONT OF SMOKEY. I don't think Smokey hates any of them. As for Anoop's beginning? Meh. It's starting like Smokey on Hycodan. Sure, he can hit the notes.....but. Meh. Kara: There are moments in your chest...wha? What? You can sing. You have a skill set. (I don't like Kara. There, I said it.) Paula: You're crazy? Your delivery, its sweet its tender. I'd like the teriaki chicken now. Simon: I think you looked as if you were half asleep. Randy: You used the serious Anoop dawg. Michael Sarver - from Jasper, Texas - was sick, didn't go to Detroit. But Smokey came to him. Smokey said his performance was a little weak. Again, pretty much this ENTIRE group makes me feel like I'm enjoying the Lido deck on a Carnival Cruise line. I wouldn't jump off the boat and swim away out of hatred, but I wouldn't rush the stage, either. They bore me. I blame Kara. I've decided it's her fault. You can't talk me out of it. Paula says it sounded Las Vegas lounge-y. "You really need to be driving that song...and not let the reverse happen. I'm sorry Michael, I love you very much." Simon: I have no idea what you just said...Michael, I couldn't wait for it to end. Ouch. He said Michael has no shot at winning with that vocal. "That was below par." Randy: The song was too big for you. Dawg. Kara: blah blah blah artistry. I'm chewing my own face. blah blah blah Lil wants to do "Heat Wave." It's actually a good choice for her. Smokey loves it. Whoa...Lil Rounds with Brill Building hair. Dude. And now she's kinda off. She's really off. But Paula's dancing...or maybe she's got gas. As for Lil...thanks, but can you move over slightly so I can reach the crabcakes on the buffet before the ship shuts it down? Randy: This song for me for you....the front of the song was torture for me. It wasn't the right kind of song for me for you. Note to Randy: That syntax is crazy awful. Kara: You look great. Blah blah blah. You're a diva...If you don't nail it this week....blah blah blah Hold on! I'm enjoying the sound of my voice right now, so quit booing me. Paula: I disagree completely. I do agree with the fact you look beautiful...Like I heard a song for the very first time. Simon: It was an authentic tribute to Motown. It sounded like it was too fast. I don't think it gives you a moment. Simon says she's one of the best singers of the competition. Bar is low. Adam (who alternately makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a pickle fork and applaud), is singing "Tracks of My Tears." Holy crap. He looks...normal...Not like he ran away with Pete Wentz's flatironed hair. Adam cleans up well, and this is easily heading toward the best performance of the night. It's low-key, nonbombastic, and his experience is showing here. He may be this season's David Cook, which could at least make things more interesting. And he gets a standing O from Smokey. Kara stood up. Kara: One of the best performances of the night. Blah blah blah... Paula: you have that gutted instinct...I love the clean look. Very handsome and classy. You are it! Again, she didn't tag him, so it's not the game, I guess.... Simon: It was THE best performance of the night. You tonight really have emerged, to me, as a star. Randy: You can pull it down and straighten it out... Now it's Danny Gokey. He's gonna sing, "Get Ready." Smokey gave him some advice about not letting the backup singers do the heavy lifting. Which Gokey ignored, apparently. I think Smokey was right, and has what - a bajillion years of experience in arranging and songwriting and Gokey just sang in front of Mariah Carey's guitar player, a song writer and a woman who once danced with a cartoon....but sure, DIY, Gokey. Paula: You undeniable, always reliable...something something week? Weak? Simon: I thought that was clumsy and amatuerish. Randy: It wasn't your best performance, I loved the energy. Kara: blah blah blah danny fan. Allison is gonna sing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone." Dear Allison, Kool-Aid is not a hair color. Did she get dressed in the dark? Or maybe Scott dressed her. "Does this make me look stupid, Scott?" Scott: "No, I don't think you look stupid at all." Really, Allison and Adam are probably the strongest contenders, in my opinion. That child has a set of pipes on her, if she can get away from my personal pet peeve (the Mariah Finger Z in the air), I'll love her. Randy: You're one of the dopest singers in this whole thing this season. Kara: Oh My God. blah blah blah America..singing for 400 years...blah blah blah...you can't teach that! Look at me! Paula now has a mustache, apparently drawn by Simon. "You are awesome...you belong in the competition...." Simon: You are a survivor. That was really one of your best performances you've ever done. Dear lord...did anyone get a screen shot of Kara and Paula looking like a pre-makeout, Skinamax thing going on? And finally, who goes tomorrow? Who's your bottom three? I'm thinking Sarver, Scott and possibly Matt or Lil. Comments are open!