Tuesday, March 31, 2009

American Idol: Quit Saying Dawg, For the Love of Pete

Dinner is simmering, and the theme is songs that make you seem current or hip hop or country or something. Top 40 or something. Whatever. This is quite possibly the most karaoke group of individuals in Idol history, and that's saying something when you consider this is the same show that birthed the "Soul Patrol," or whatever horrible thing that was. Anoop picked Usher, and a song I've probably scrubbed from my brain three summers ago. No somebody liked it, btw. Except Paula. She wants him to work on his stage presence, "instead of a lot of stuff going back and forth." Randy no likey. Simon thought it was a complete and utter mess. I don't remember it, because I nodded off. It gave Simon a headache. Megan Joy? I'm not even sure what that was. Oy. Paula is about to call her pretty. That means you sucked. I think she just told her to take a bus ride. I don't know. And she needs to rip the heart out of someone. And feed it to Paula. Apparently. Simon said she was boring. Randy said it was like watching paint dry. They keep saying she needs to lean toward Amy Winehouse, Adele and Duffy. Hi! I've been saying that for THREE WEEKS. Danny is singing "What Hurts the Most," by Rascal Flatts. Beginning? KARY-EFFING-OAKE. Second thought? Train wreck. If every judge likes this, I will quit drinking this delicious confection of alcohol in this here glass. If there's any left. I plan on chugging it really fast, just in case. Paula liked it. But I'm pretty sure if a lamp came out, she'd love it. The camera just cut to a tranny holding an "I love Danny" sign. Crap. Simon likes it. Paula liked it. Gaw. Randy liked it. Mother eff. Ok, Kara, I hate your guts, but if you can do me a solid and NOT INTERRUPT MY PLANNED EVENING OF DRINKING THINGS, I would appreciate it. I will also quit making fun of you. I hate Kara. He moved everyone? Now I need to drink. OK, I'm scrolling back, and I've realized that I said I'd quit drinking that particular drink. I will. I will switch to a new one. Allison is singing "Don't Speak," by No Doubt. She said she grew up listening to No Doubt. I just felt myself die a little inside, and this tiny voice started saying that I'm old. To shut it up, I'm going to drink something. I'm meh about this. I am. She started out decent, but she seems a little off... Randy made fun of her dress. Kara said she sounded forced, and it wasn't her best. And then she pooped in her seat(I hate Kara). Paula says her intonation masturbates. Something about a karate chop. Simon says he can't ignore the outfit. "Tonight's theme is Halloween," he said. She sounded like someone's precocious daughter trying to be a rock star, he said. Um, yeah? Isn't that the point? Simon said she shouted the song. Randy disagrees, dawg. Scott is singing "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel. Which is way current and really up to date. He says it's just going to be him and the piano. Radical change. OK, his hair is less short bus. I will say. The stylist got a hold of him, and convinced him that someone that can actually see his head should comb his hair. But musically? Still church talent show. Of course, the judges are probably going to love him. And then I'll need to drink again. Kara: I think you made a very smart choice. I'm going to now say something that allows me to point repeatedly at my boobs. Paula: I'm most proud of you because you're blind. It has nothing to do with your challenge, it has everything to do with what makes me forget about that challenge, so much so that I suggest you dance around more and lose the piano. Simon: Your best performance by a country mile so far. It's a different Scott. Randy: One of the best of the night, dawg. Dawg. Dawgitty dawg dawg dawg! Matt Giraud is doing The Fray, "I Found You." He sounds like he's trying too hard. And kind of goaty. He's getting better as the song goes on, but still goaty. The swaybots are scaring me. I don't think I'd want to be surrounded by all those dudes and 10 year old girls. It didn't totally suck, I guess. Kind of timberlakean with a dash of suck. Paula: I like it when you rip it. We know who you are! Simon: You should be happy Matt, b/c we don't like you this week. Hah! Simon. Agrees. With. Me. This was just uncomfortable Randy: Check it out, dawg. It wasn't the great song for you (for me.) He thinks he should've done One Republic or Timberlake. Kara: Look at my boobs! Oh, and you sucked it this week. Lil has been getting nailed by the judges. That's what SHE said. She decided to go with Celine Dion, "I Surrender." Did I mention my intense hate for Celine Dion? Look! It's Lil Rounds, and her wig. Randy: Young it up. Kara: Singer that can just let it out. Oh, and look at my boobs. Paula: I don't want to see an adult contemporary Lil Rounds. I want to see the joy something something. Simon: Safe song. Quite similar to a wedding performance. Suggested "One," by U2. This was honestly so old-fashioned. All your personality is being sucked out of you. Lil's little kid wants to punch Randy. Or so she said. Instead she gave Randy a big hug. Adam is doing "Play that Funky Music White Boy," from 1976. He's kept the Elvis hair. He's slowed down the song and further funkified it, which is odd since the song already had the word funky in it. It's like Lenny Kravitz and Adam Levine had a baby song, but then it did some heavy narcotics. Everybody loved it, you can see it. Paula: True something something shatters something. Steven Tyler, Mick Jagger, Adam Lambert. Simon: That was very brave. It was original. Randy: You worked it out. You are definitely in the star zone baby. Kara: Every week, I cannot wait to something something. It was like Studio 57 up in here. Which is like Studio 54, but the velvet rope restrictions are looser, and the strongest drug you get is whatever's in Paula's cup, and she ain't sharin'. Kris is going to put "Ain't No Sunshine" in the John Mayer Song Transmogrifier, and make guitar faces on the stage. Only with a piano. He's trying to have a moment. I've just realized what his face reminds me of, when he sings. Randy: Right now in this moment, you've been slaying 'em dude. So creative, so cool. Lovin' you! Kara: I can count! See? Paula: You took a 30 year old song and made it like I'm hearing it for the first time. Simon: Said he brought some confidence this time. Very good arrangement. So that's that. Who's in the bottom three? I'm thinking Megan, Scott, and Allison or Anoop. Who are you picking?