Tuesday, April 14, 2009

American Idol: Dude, Tarantino?

Cold open with Quentin Tarantino? What was that? Randy Jackson is in a Bill Cosby sweater. Also, the banter before this whole thing starts? Shoot. Me. Or. Them. Whoever, really. Theme: Songs of the Cinema, guided by Quentin Tarantino. Oh dear. And it's also a big ol' schmoozelschnitzen for his new movie, "The Inglorious Basterds." First up, Allison. She's singing, "Don't Wanna Miss a Thing," by Aerosmith. Can I just say Little Miss Kool-Aid Hair is the one of the few contestants this year who doesn't sound like she wandered off a Carnival Cruise ship? But this ain't so good. Oh look, Katie Couric. And Little Stevie. Was that Chevy Chase? Paula says she's possessed by Adam. What the what? Simon says she's the girls' only hope in this competition. OH, and only two judges are commenting per contestant because they went over or something. I zoned out during the explanation. Uggggggggghhhh....Anoop, dahling, "Everything I'd Do, I'd Do It For You?" Really? And again, why is QT giving musical advice? Couldn't Anoop have picked a power ballad that was more current, and less something I heard in the elevator? Randy: Dawg. Dawgitty dawg Anoop dawg dawwggggy.....you found your zone dude, dawg, dawgy. Kara: First, look at my boobs. You've found your place. Pop songs, and adding something something. They were coming from your heart. Simon looks like he wants to die. Glambert is doing "Born to Be Wild." QT thinks he's a rock star. Glambert said something about electronica. It's really kinda U2-y and Duran Durany with some old-skool INXS, with a touch of Geritol, because this song is hella old. Seriously? No new songs? I will say, Glambert's got the metal band yelp going. There's a tranny in the audience blowing kisses. If that's not a tranny, I apologize, you're a very handsome woman. Paula: You're shakin' up this whole competition, fortune rewards the brave, fantastic.... Simon: Vocally incredible, downside is like watching the Rocky Horror musical in parts. Simon liked it, but last week was more original. Matt Giraud. Five bucks he's singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" or something 500 years old. GEEZUS. Another Bryan Adams. "Have You Ever Really, Really, Really, Really, Really Loved a Woman?" Matt's behind the piano. Given the song, this isn't sucking as much as I thought it could. I still don't wanna hear it, but I'm not using Kleenex to wipe the blood from my ears, either. Randy: Said it was interesting. Rough at the bridge. The thing for me for you...MANGLED MANGLED MANGLED. Randy. Stop. Seriously. "You fell down something something for me for you." Kara: Does he do a rock song or a pop song? Tonight a rock song, she says. What the what? What kind of new age Kara Math works that out? Danny Gokey is next. Iron your jacket much? "Endless Love." Oy. SERIOUSLY THEY'VE MADE SONGS AFTER 1990. YOU CAN SING ONE IF YOU WANT. Meh. I am meh about this performance. Paula: From the opening I wasn't sure that the key should've been lowered. It's a magical place. You pulled something something something. Simon: Can't fault the way he sang the song. Was disappointed that he did such a traditional version. Kris is next. He's going to be making John Mayer faces to "Falling Softly," from the movie Once. FINALLY, a current song. It's actually a song that's suited for his voice. Do we have our dark horse? So far, this is my favorite of the night. Randy: Dawg. Dawg. Check it out man. Dude, for me, for you tonight. I don't know. It never quite caught on for me. Can't you do some Mariah Carey? Kara: Difficult to pick an obscure song like that, but for me, it was one of your best moments ever. Paula just peed herself. Lil Rounds is going to be doing "The Rose." In related news, Tammy at the pool hall also picked this song for Karaoke Night last week. Let's see who does better. Judging from the video, it's going to suck. She's flat. AGAIN. Seriously. How did she manage to stay in key for the 6.3 seconds it took to audition initially? Like I said last week, she's gotta blow 'em out of the water, and this ain't doin' it. I can think of things that would've been possibly better. Something from the Chicago soundtrack. Something from Little Shop of Horrors. Even "I Will Always Freakin' Love Yoooooooouuuuuuuuuu." But she's flat. It ain't song choice so much as it is her bucket's got a hole in it. Paula: Compliments the songwriter. Ouch. No actual criticism. Just the song was pretty. Simon: I think that you're getting this completely wrong. It was too soft for you, too middle of the road. There are no excuses anymore. You are not the artist we met seven or eight weeks ago. Now Lil is sassing Simon. She ain't helpin' her cause. OK, bottom three? Anoop and Lil, and then possibly Allison or Matt. I could also see Gokey in there, but I'm pretty comfortable with the four, really. What do you think?