Wednesday, April 8, 2009

American Idol: The Results Show Edition

Forget Flo-Rida, Seacrest! OMGSABCDEFG it's Mario Lopez! So, after reviewing the performances, I predict our verifiable two in the bottom three will likely be Scott and Lil. Allison, although the judges liked her, could end up in the three because she seems to land there every week. Kris Allen had a weak performance, so he could be there, too. Adam, obvs, is fine this week again. Simon gave him a standing O. And that's not a euphemism. Apparently, right now, SeacrestOUT! is implying Simon is old. By playing Frankie Avalon. And then Avalon comes out and serenades Simon with "Venus." Because Simon is old. The cheesy group number is a song from the first year of Idol. Crap. It's "Can't Get You Out of My Head." EVERY time this song is played, I have to powerwash it from my brains. I adore the Anoop/Kris bumper car sitch with Scott, as they bump him around the stage like a shuffleboard whatsit. And can I just say that I don't get the love for Lil Rounds? She may have a good voice, but she's tone deaf. Even now, she's off. OFF. WAY OFF. Like, in Oklahoma when you meant to go to New Mexico, OFF. And juxtaposed with Allison's open of the number, she sounds even worse. Prediction: If Allison gets voted off tonight, the judges will use their save. Now the Ford commercial. They stole Britney Spears album concept and her song, but it's supposed to be an old time magic show. Director: Scott has no idea if he looks menacing. Something tells me that this is not the first time Adam has worn blue false eyelashes, either. "You'll strike a pose, and it'll be kinda magical." OK, can I direct the next one? I can do that, for gosh sakes. This is the most boring Ford commercial ever. And that's saying something, considering Bill Ford used to do them. The mayor of Kalamazoo, Mich., is in the house. Why they didn't open with that, I don't know. Totally buried the lede there, SeacrestOUT. Randy thinks Adam was the bomb last night. Kara didn't try to count anything, thank beezus. Paula says he knows who he is. Adam is safe. Duh. Least. Suspenseful. Moment. Ever. BTW, WTH is up with Paula's gloves? Anoop is in the bottom three. Kris is safe. Hmmm...if Lil and Scott aren't in the other two seats, there is no justice in Idol land. SeacrestOUT just asked who will fill the other stools. Uh..dude...poor choice of words. Am I the only one who immediately thought of a dirty diaper? Flo Rida. I learned today that Flo Rida has a published number, and responds to texts. I do not know who the girl with the goat voice is. But I want to learn to skip in stilettos like that. Without, you know, dying. OK, I do not know what ROOTS stands for. Still. Flo Rida, enunciate. He's really sweaty, too, IJS. Danny is safe. Matt will be safe, because that gives three left to make sweat for good telebishuns.... Hah! Called it! Matt is safe. Now for Scott. Called it! Scott is headed to the stools, too. Can we call them something else? Please? Allison and Lil are last. Allison, of the Kool-Aid (OH YEAH!) hair, is safe. Lil's in the bottom. If they save Lil, I will throw something. Probably. Maybe. I dunno. But I will be irate. Dude...sweet yams are 57 cents a pound. And, btw, the food that I've eaten at Cotton Patch has NEVER looked like that. OK...we're back. And Kelly Pickler is going to sing something. What is with the backup singers? They're not with her, or she's not with them. And she sounds kinda nasal and screamy. Now comes the part where she flirts with Simon. Pickler, you did this last year, and Simon gave you the same look, like you farted in his face. Good god. Someone turn her mic off. Ok, the three. Lil is safe. It's between Anoop and Scott. Ok, now I'm torn. As much as I think Scott needs to go now, the thought of having to listen to that tragedy that was last night's performance one more time makes me die a little inside. I wonder if it's Anoop, if the judges will save him? Anoop looks pissed. Scott looks puzzled. Scott has the lowest number of votes. Anoop is safe. But now we have to listen to ... the Lido deck. He's a thoroughly charming third choice for wedding singer, but American Idol, and someone you'd burn your one save on? Not so much. Where'd Randy go? I see Paula and Kara and Simon. This bodes ill, I think, for his chances of the save. And OMG that tragic high note. I has a sad. STOP. Oh, and Paula, Kara? HE CAN'T SEE YOU DANCE. Oohh...Simon just said two people think he should stay, and two should go. Boys against girls? FIVEBUCKSSAYSYES. Simon's thinking they may want to use that save on one of the others. Paula and Kara say he did well before.... Simon tells him it's over. Was it the right choice? Yes. He was a really nice guy, obviously, but as the weeks progressed, the difference between him and say, Adam and Alison, and even Matt and Kris, becomes obvious. Lil Rounds? Pull something awesome out next week, or you'll be gone, too.