Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Dear Ken Mayfield:

You know, I totally get your frustration. Sometimes, a female gets all uppity, and then you're forced to, in the immortal words of N.W.A., "slam her ass in a ditch." But really, if you're gonna get all up in a female coworker's face, I recommend getting rid of all the reporters in the room first. I mean, alternately, you could just marshal enough facts to shout her down and shut her up but good, but in the absence of that, just tell the reporters to leave the room. But since that stupid FOIA thing means you can't do that either, I suggest the following things so you don't end up looking so foolish in a news story: 1. Grab Maurine Dickey's hand, and use it to slap her in the face. Then say, "Quit hitting yourself!" *slap* "Why are you hitting yourself?" *slap* 2. Snort, and then say, "At least I know my science, unlike THIS guy over here..." and then do the over the shoulder point with your thumb and John Wiley Price. 3. Snort, and then say, "At least I only have pictures taken with my pants on..." and then pretty much repeat the same action you did in suggestion No. 2. 4. Challenge Jim Foster to an IQ -off. 5. Fart, then blame it on Maurine. But wait for her to make a face, and then say, "If you smelt it, you dealt it!" I hope all these suggestions help you in some way. Peace out, homey.