Randy: You da bomb! Paula: Something something Mariah something something... (for the record, I never understand what Paula says, and this is only an approximation) Simon: I agree. Let me crown you the Christ child.Second: Carly Smithson. Smithson already had one shot at a record contract. She cries a lot. She's Irish. Can Mariah Carey's pants be tighter, and sluttier? Carly's gonna sing "Without You." It'll either be hot mess or glorious. There's never an in between. Technically, this is a Badfinger-cum-Harry Nilsson song, btw.
Randy: He almost said, "pitchy." Paula: something something something Simon: Could you pull it off like Mariah? I don't think you did.Third: Syesha Mercado. OK singer, but she thinks she's pretty. Yes, she is, but for some reason, she's off-putting. She also has horrible judgment in songs, and generally picks songs that are so heavily identified with another artist there is no possible way she can do it better, or more originally, i.e. her Dolly Parton week "I Will Always Love You" that started out slow and strong, but devolved into budget Whitney. Commercial break prediction: She attempts "Emotions." Oh, nope - she took what had to be David Archuleta's second choice "I'll Be There," no, wait, my bad - "Vanishing." Is it my fault some Mariah Carey songs sound interchangeable? And here she goes with the Dollar Store Mariah.
Randy: I like that you're bold....you did a good job on it, all things considered. Paula: This week...something something something...brilliant as Mariah..not many people know...something...heard that song....overalls tonight at my house! Simon: Technically, it was very very good indeed.Commercial break now, and Simon says Radio Disney has stolen the show so far. Fourth: Brooke White. She's a nanny. She's super nice. She's never seen an R rated movie. She doesn't drink. She doesn't swear. She don't rat her hair. She gets ill from one cigarette (cough cough cough). She's singing, "Hero," at the piano. Mariah reveals she wrote the song originally for Gloria Estefan. I still don't like it. And White's version is ehhhh.
Randy: something about the bridge. Paula: Every something something unplugged version something something sucked you beat you up Simon: It was a bit like ordering a hamburger, and only getting the bun.Ouch. But true. But now they're arguing about meat and condiments. Fifth: Kristy Lee Cook. Dear God in heaven. She generally sucks harder and longer than a gay porn festival. And. Now. She's. Singing. Mariah. Carey. Specifically, she's singing some song I don't recognize. It didn't totally suck. It didn't totally not suck, either.
Randy: You know, I didn't think that was amazing ... but you definitely started stepping up towards the end. Paula: something something the end....step it up...blown away.....something....gift with purchase....younger generations....children are our future...teach them well and give them a taze Simon: You didn't give me chills. You managed with what you could. It was a little bit whiny at times. It wasn't great.Sixth: David Cook. He's been rocking it all season, aside from last week. He's also the least Mariah Carey-esque of the group. He chose a stripped down version of "Always Be My Baby." Mariah was surprised, but thought it was cool. I'm liking it too. Strings, guitar....pretty cool. Teary-eyed awwwwww factor? His brother, battling brain cancer, is in the audience tonight.
Randy: Yo, dude. I think more than anyone else on this show right now, I think you're the one ready to make an album. Paula: wow...something something..movie soundtrack. You're it! (She didn't run up and tag him, so I'm assuming this is a compliment) Simon: It was like sort of coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air. It was original, it was daring....Crap. DC is teary-eyed. Now I am, too. Sucker for weeping, non-weepy men, I am.
Seventh (and last): Jason Castro. Local boy from Rockwall, he managed to woo the judges last week with his ukelele-fueled "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," getting some of the highest praise of the night. Also a very un-Mariah guy. Yet Mariah seemed to be digging him. Now he's doing restrained version of "I Don't Wanna Cry," with more of a coffee house vibe that he worked out with Mariah. I actually liked it.
Randy: I didn't really love that. (something about a weird luau) It was weird for me. Paula: Jason, 'k I would love to be at that luau listening all night long (thanks, closed captioning - why didn't I find you sooner? Because it's not as funny, that's why). Simon: I'm going to have to agree with (dramatic pause - ooh! Will it be Paula or Randy?) - Paula. It was a cool version. The guys completely won the night.What's interesting is that Mariah seemed more mentory than Dolly Parton did. Dolly seemed more cheerleadery, while Mariah took time to work on things with the contestants. I have found myself agreeing with Simon a lot - I don't know if this means I would've in previous seasons, and I'm a cranky British guy with big boobs at heart, or what. Perhaps that's a discussion we should have between now and tomorrow's results show.