Friday, August 8, 2008
OK, I've been watching this for about, what, 30 minutes? I've seen some cute little kids that suddenly began singing the battle hymn of the communist republic or something, some really cool thing with 2008 drummers, some guys paint with their shirt sleeves while a guy played this thing, and then now these guys wearing big giant feather things in their hair. Now a buncha people just popped out of this thing that was the Great Wall of China and then became something else with flowers. All caught up? Good. BTW, the Rangers are down by 5 against Baltimore at Baltimore in the 5th. Now, back to the Olympics. While I was waiting for the thing to start, NBC teased us with all this folderol - Tom Brokaw says China's wanted to host the Olympics since they played us at table tennis and met Nixon. Gosh, after that, who wouldn't? Now, after commercial, this dancer is being carried in on what looks like a floating green olive salad sandwich, on wheat. Only, she jumped off of it and this tinier sandwich came running out of under it. And now there's these guys with paddles painted to depict boats on the water, when all held together. Anybody else thinking this, though? Another commercial. Baltimore is now up by six. The new pitching coach runs like a girl. I will say this, though. When you think of how isolationist China is, this whole thing is pretty cool. If you're sitting in the stands, I doubt seriously you can see the tiny details in these ladies' dresses, but it doesn't matter - they're there anyway. And these LED screens - they're making Bob Costas wax all nerdy ecstatic. Now there are guys dressed in glow in the dark outfits running around. Ooh, look! They made a dove. I can too, with my hands - see? Next commercial, I think I'm gonna start drinking. I'll need a drinking game though. Oh look, now they've made a vagina. No wait, my bad. It's The Bird's Nest. Sorry, China! Commercial. Seriously. Dude. Now they're movin' some chi around. I'm a big fan of any sport where you get to wear pajamas while doing it. Go Tai Chi. Now there's people doing Tai Chi around school children. According to Bobby Costas and the gang, it means something about nature and harmony blah blah global warming something something. Bow to your sensei! Wax on! Wax off! Now the little kids are screaming and smiling and hopping up and down for birds. Clearly, they've never seen the Jonas Brothers. God. Commercial. ER's final epic season. They're gonna save a little boy's life. THAT COUNTS! It's a final season full of surprises. It premiers Sept. 25, on NBC. Holy crap. A pod. With people crawling on it. How are they staying on it? It's the earth. That's kinda cool. The planet's are going around it. Wait...now it's a sun? I'm confused. Lordamercy I need a libretto. A Chinese pop star and Sarah Brightman are gonna sing. Brightman A) has gas; B) is stoned; or C) has been Botoxed. Her face isn't moving. Oh, strings. The people are attached with strings. Now there's athletes doing athletic things on the pod-y globe thing. There are people below, holding up pictures of people's faces, smiling. More fireworks. I have no clue what this song is. Sarah Brightman sounds like a Chipmunk on helium. Now there's fireworks. The parade of nations is next, little Bobby Costas says. Another cotton pickin' commercial. The Rangers are now down by seven. Oh great, we're not going by the normal freakin' alphabet. We're going by the Chinese alphabet. "The vast majority of the athletes arrive here realizing they have no shot of winning a medal." Helluva pep talker you are, Bob. The president of Turkmenistan apparently likes the color baby crap green, because he designed the uniforms for his team. Sidebar: I also like the Chinese version of the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders lining the parade route, doing the step and clap. But did anybody expect bagpipes for parade music at an Olympics in China? Malta, Hillary Clinton called, and she wants her pantsuits back. OK - drinking game: Shot every time Bob Costas says, "Think of what THIS moment means to these athletes." While we're waiting for countries we care about - oh look, Japan! - Russia invaded Georgia today, causing some amount of worry, apparently. Now, look at Denmark all casual in their Old Navy red polos and jeans - and um, fanny packs? Before them? Mauritania, who earlier this week experienced a military coup. The Ukraine apparently got their uniforms from the same place that Deion Sanders gets his suits. Yet another commercial. And the Rangers are down by eight. EIGHT. Brazil just walked in. Not bad uniforms, although what's with the Gilligan hats? Oh, now they show us the cool thing. As the athletes walk through, they step in this paint thingie, and across this big piece of paper, which is making a painting. Paraguay's uniform looks like the U.S. Post Office uniform. Panama's got a really old dude on its team. Is there Olympic Chess? Pakistan walks in. Musharraf may get impeached, so he wisely decided to stay home. Can you imagine leaving your country for two or three weeks and coming back to find a completely different government? Mauritanian athletes will definitely experience that, and Pakistani athletes may come back to something similar. Belarus raided Hillary's closet, too, apparently. Everybody shopping at Talbots now? President Bush, btw, looks bored out of his freakin' gourd. Lithuania went to the Gap for their duds, I think. They're ready for the Parade of Nations, or their shift at Smoothie King. OK, sorry Canada, but those are the groadiest, bufugliest outfits I've seen. Seriously. What was that? It made me sad. Sad enough to drink. BTW, the Rangers lost. Dude...We're going to Gabon. All we need to do is pick the easiest sport to win a gold medal, and we get a dream house and untold riches. The president of Gabon says so. Who's in? Where's Gabon? How's the shopping? Why, when I see Spain enter the stadium, do I think ketchup and mustard? Liechtenstein lost their luggage, and came in what I'm seeing on the screen. Iraq gets a warm welcome from the Chinese audience - the Bushes clap and suddenly perk up. Iran gets booed. Hungary, why did you do that do your women? Their suits look like a ward of tuberculosis patients coughed bloody sputum all over them. Then comes Andorra. Andorra - that was Samantha's mom on Bewitched, right? If anything, the Parade of Nations is a lesson in obscure countries. Now, those Finland athletes know how to dress. Snazzy wrap dresses in blue for the ladies, blue suits for the guys. Nice. Croatia has the guys in bowling shirts and the girls in some kind of tragic red and white checkerboard top and pants thing going on. Sudan walks in, not much reaction. You'd think there'd be more, with Darfur, but China is a little friendlier with the country than the rest of the world. Argentina went by - MANU! - now's Afghanistan, to cheers. C'mon Karzai, look a little happy. Wow... are the Namibia females in evening wear? OK - slight beef. What's the deal with making the girls either wear bufugly outfits, or dress exactly like the guys? Here's Great Britain. Nice. Crisp white sport coats and blue shirts and pants. Everyone is sweating, but they look quite cool. Poifect. Kenya! Gives me perfect opportunity to post this again. Venezuela is up now, in track suits. Bobby Costas is kvetching because Hugo Chavez changed their time zone. I mean, out of all the things Chavez has done, you wanna spew about that? Here comes France. Not bad outfits, but kinda boring. Sarkozy kinda perks up, which is good, because I thought he was gonna fall out of his seat a few minutes ago. Dear lord. The girl's outfits. I misspoke. Male outfits, yes. Female outfits, only cute on two of them. Who would guess the Polish would be snazzier dressers than the French? The girls have really cute red, flapper-style dresses, men in suits. And now the United States, after a buncha countries I honestly didn't pay attention to because I was busy amusing myself on another site. Dub-ya's all standing up and everything. For some reason, we've dressed everyone like Thurston Howell III. Can we just hurry up and light the farking torch now? Can you people walk slower? Huh. Now they're saying Robert Mugabe, President of Zimbabwe, was going to come to the Olympics and got as far as Hong Kong before deciding to turn around and go back. Egypt - in seersucker. That is all. Now, I'm an Ethiopian chick, in my white, long get-up, and I'm not gonna be wanting to walk across paint, IJS. BTW, nice hats, Lesotho. I'm a little teapot, yo. I'm kinda diggin' the Netherlands' duds, btw. Estonia, pick a color. Dude. Did you know there's a country called Kiribati? Me neither. Do you think we'll get to hear the Kiribatian national anthem? Me neither. Mmmmm...Samoa. My favorite Girl Scout cookie. Swaziland, btw, is the Switzerland of Africa. I did not know that. Hear that thunk? That was a fact I actually will need falling out of my head to make room for that useless one. Can I make it to the end of this thing? Maybe if these guys start running. Dear John Wiley Price: Montenegro is a country, not a dirty command to do something to a person of color. Sidebar: If Germany does well because of Dirk, do we get to punch him in the face for not doing better for the Mavs? Switzerland pulls a Sean Avery, and rocks the boy shorts. Roger Federer is the flag-bearer, btw. Sweden gives its girls Swedish-colored kimonos and fans. Weird. Nauru? Now they're just making countries up. Screw you, Olympics! New Zealand walks in, wrapped in the furs of baby wombats. Commercial, then Italy comes in, having way more fun than everyone else. I want whatever they're drinking. We are now only seven or eight countries away from China, Bobby C. says. Thank God. Here's Mexico. The town of Farmers Branch shudders. There's Germany, with Dirk and his hair, carrying the flag. Gawd. Another farking commercial. NBC Universal said it sold more than $1 billion in commercials for the Olympics, and I think they're showing them all now. Moldova, Monaco, Morocco, Australia, Zambia....then China, according to the helpful little guide thing at the bottom of the screen. Everybody is freaking out now, because China is walking in. First thing you see? The giant Yao Ming carrying the flag. There's a little 9-year-old boy who survived the earthquake, and saved two classmates because he was hall monitor, and he's walking next to Yao Ming. Next to the bajillion feet tall Ming, he looks like he's a toddler, though. Speeches now. Welcome, welcome. Sorry we're communists. Yadda yadda yadda (light the torch already). Earthquake. Something something. Now Jacques Rogge. "Sorry your communists. We finally let you have your Olympics. One world, one dream, that is what we are tonight...you know, except for the fact that Russia just invaded Georgia, the U.N. , the U.S. and the E.U. is all up in Iran's grill, and we're all trying to spank North Korea. Oh, and the Taliban keeps making these stupid, random threats. But other than that, yeah, one world. Go world!" Now here's the Olympic flag. Aw, Yao Ming is holding up the little earthquake boy so he can see. Now that's nice. I hope the little tosser doesn't get a nosebleed. For the love of God. Fly the flag and light the farking cauldron or whatever. How slowly are they gonna pull that flag up? UP! UP! Finally. More fireworks. Now the stupid flame. Yay flame. China's first gold medalist is jogging - or maybe it's yogging - it in. Then hands it off to chick - a diver, who hands it to some dude gymnast, who freakin' meanders around for a while, then hands it to another dude weightlifter who trots around and waves, that guy hands it to some badminton dude (badminton? seriously? I think I just found my Gabon sport), badminton dude gives it to taekwondo chick, taekwondo chick runs up this stage thingie and lights volleyball chick's torch, then volleyball chick runs up some stairs and passes it to some dude attached to wires that is pulled up in the air by his arse, where he pretends to run along the roof thingie with an LED screen showing the torch relay, sans the parts where people got the crap beaten out of them. More mock running. Running man won six medals for something, but they're not saying for what. He's getting to the Olympic cauldron, where he lights a pipe (no, not that kind) and boom, fire. Yay. The end. Big giant flame. Fireworks.