Sunday, October 12, 2008
I would've started sooner, but I stood here speaking loudly in fluent longshoreman before I realized you people couldn't hear me. So I shall use my words. Whisky Tango Foxtrot? An Arizona TD in the first 15 minutes? Then we fumble, then they fumble, then we fumble, and now we're second and 10 with about 5 in the first quarter. And I want to die. Or kill. I can't decide. Oh the agony, the humanity. Third and six and a pass to Witten goes clean off his hands. I want to die, did I mention that? Pop Warner over there can at least manage to connect with someone, while Romo can only complete granny tosses to Barber. Hamlin intercepts the ball after Pops is sacked. Don't be sad, Grandpa, I'm sure will turn it over to your team again in short freakin order. Witten catches shy of the first down. Second and 1, Felix Jones gets to the 33 and also gets the first down. First and 10, Romo connects with Crayton for a gain. Another Jones carry gets them just shy of the first down again. Romo overthrows a bomb to Crayton, and we're freakin 4th down again. Hi, we're within falling distance of another first down, and you don't do it? WTF? Flag on Arizona, Cardinals 1st down and 20 on their own 10. Another five yard penalty against the Cardinals for an ineligible receiver. The announcers have pretty much said the Cardinals offense sucks more than the worst sucking thing you can think of. And then Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones brings down the receiver. Wait - do we have a player with a mullet? Anyway second quarter, 'boys have the ball, and I'm starting to think about what I'll do with my time at the half and after - watch the game? Curl up in the closet in a fetal position and suck my thumb? Engage in retail therapy? First catch by Barber, gain of like, 9. Pam Oliver says players are laughing about the amount of turnovers. I punch things. Barber gets the first down. Move a little but not enough for a first down on the next one, and then Barber picks up another three yards on the next play, for 3rd and 1. Felix Jones runs for 15 yards. Flag on the play is against the 'boys for a stupid illegal formation, and they're back to third and 6. Barber runs to pick up 12 yards. First and 10, handoff to Barber gets maybe a yard and a half. Another connection with Barber gets a little bit of traction, but not enough for a first down. Then Tony Romo throws a ball to a Cardinal receiver for giggles, and then Crayton makes the guy drop it. Because if anyone knows how to drop a ball, it's Crayton. Hmmm...wise use of advertising dollars? Barack Obama ad during Sunday football. I say savvy. OK, Dallas ball, first and 10 on the 9 yard line. Barber carries for no gain at all. Mother effing eff eff eff - Freakin fumble and Cardinals score a touchdown. I want to die. Wade Phillips is challenging it. I don't see much point in that. Romo was clearly sacked, and clearly fumbled the ball. IN THE END ZONE. Did I mention I want to die? Somehow, they decide that it's a third down now. Apparently Romo was bringing his arm back to throw, and that counts. Romo throws to Crayton for 24 yards for a first down. Second and 11, Romo hands off to Barber, who gets to the 39. Dallas gets a holding penalty - Columbo, I will punch you. Barber picked up 19 yards for 3rd and 2, Romo flips it to Barber who gets the first down. BTW, I still don't get that Fox Sports Robot Transformer thing. What is the point?? First and 10 Dallas, Romo to Crayton, who runs it in 55 yards for a TD. THANK. GOD. Cowboys 7, Cardinals 7 Fumble during the kick return, they're pulling bodies off the pile to determine ownership. Cowboys recover it. A minute and a half to go in the half, and plenty of time to score again. Maybe. You know, unless we drop it in front of a Cardinal again. Tony Romo got hit as he threw to Miles Austin in the end zone. Second and 10, TO catches. Third and 1, 26 seconds left in the game, barely misses TO. Fourth down, and the field goal team will come out. Nick Folk for 36, and misses as it hits the uprights. No good. Score is still tied. So for the second half, Romo needs to quit throwing the ball to the other team, and dropping the ball in front of them. The defense needs to stop kick returners before they make it to the end zone. Second half, Romo connects with TO for a first down. First and 10, Barber gets the ball with barely any gain. A carry for a gain, then first down and Romo throws to Barber, who is hit from behind and loses the ball, but the Cowboys recover it. First and 10, and a connection with TO gets the Cowboys inside the 30. Third and inches (that's what she said!) and Barber gets the first down after tunneling through the Arizona line. But then Witten makes a false start, and we get a five yard penalty, still third down. Thanks! Witten redeems himself by catching the Romo throw for a 10-yard gain and the first down. A hand off to Barber is another gain. Throw to Bennett is freakin' dropped. He was wide open. All alone in the field. If this was high school and the field was the cafeteria, Martellus Bennett was the smelly kid with warts on his hands. THAT'S how alone he was on the field. Throw to Austin in the end zone is caught for (duh) a TD. False start on the extra point, Dallas will retry five yards back. Second try is good - and it's Dallas 14, Cardinals 7. Second and 12 for Arizona, and their running game kinda bites. Pops got sacked, and the ball nearly got intercepted by Dallas. Third and 12, false start on Levi Brown. What's interesting is NOBODY is protecting Grandpa. But the Cardinals manage to keep it together enough for an apparent TD. Wade is challenging the ruling because the left foot of Fitzgerald may have been out of bounds. The officials agree, and the Cardinals go for third and one. Hightower tried to run it in, is three yards shy. Warner throws the ball to Fitzgerald on first and goal, and manages a TD. Dallas 14, Arizona 14 So Barber gets us close to another first down, then a toss to TO gets us the next first down. First and 10 on the Cardinal's 30, Romo is sacked and the pass is incomplete. Second and 10, Barber carries for no gain. Felix Jones injured his left hamstring, too, btw. Dear merciful baby Jesus, the ball pops off Romo and while Romo tries to recover, the Cardinals very nearly recover it. Cowboys are forced to punt. Warner lobs a bomb for a massive first down, and then the third quarter ends, still all tied up. Ugh. Then Fitzgerald catches another bomb. Henry needs to work on his vertical jump, IJS. Second and inches, and a handoff gains them a first down and plenty. Did the Cowboy's defense think the Cardinals offense would remain atrocious through the entire game? Warner bomb to the end zone is good, TD Arizona. I hate them. I may vomit my gouda. Arizona 21, Dallas 14. Cowboys get a halfway decent punt return, but the queasiness lingers. I think I have an aneurysm. The thought of a fast slide into mediocrity or worse - into the Kansas City Chiefs - makes my heart hurt. Why, why aren't you dominating? Why are you dropping the ball and throwing it to other people. Why? First and 10 at the 33, Romo completes to Barber to the line of scrimmage. Great! Question: What is with the lusterous, flowing locks on NFL players? I'd like to know what product Cardinals 55 is using. Third and 12, and we can't complete a pass if the fate of the nation depended on it. A toss to Barber doesn't give enough yardage, so we're gonna let Arizona try again. And then we made an illegal block during the kick, so we're also going to gift wrap 'em an extra 10 yards. Swell! Cardinals get a couple of yards on the first throw. Second and 7, Hightower catches short of the first down. Third and 2, flag on the play - false start Arizona. Third and 7, Warner hurl to Fitzgerald is good to get the Cardinals into Cowboys territory. First and 10, handoff to Hightower picks up 6 - STRAIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE. What? Seriously, what? Second and 3, Warner to Fitzgerald for 12 yards and another first down. Hightower doesn't gain much past the line of scrimmage. Second and 8, up the middle picks up three yards. Third and 5, incomplete pass. Field goal team comes on, and Ratliff looks injured. Dallas 24, Dallas 14 First and 10 at the 45, 2:23 in the fourth. Flozell Adams gets a holding call. Thanks, Flo. Can I call ya Flo? 1st and 20, Romo hurls it and misses Miles Austin. Second and 20, Cardinals get an encroachment call. Second and 15, Romo to Barber, who runs it all the way (70 yards) for a TD. But there's a flag. Unsportsmanlike conduct on the offense. TD is still good, the penalty will be assessed at kickoff. Arizona 24, Dallas 21. I completely spaced during the Arizona possession. Now the Cowboys have the ball, first down, and Flozell Adams wrangles us a super awesome holding call. First and 20, 46 seconds left, Marion Barber goes out of bounds after picking up four to stop the clock. Second and 16, 38 seconds left, Romo pass tipped away, and was intended for Creighton. Third down and 16, and the best we can hope for at this point is a gain some yards and let Folk try a field goal. A pass to Witten gains 8 yards. Offsides penalty on the defense for five yards. So third and 11, still a little far for a FG, Romo hurls it to Witten to get Dallas closer to the goal. The clock got stopped, and the FG team comes out. But now there's something about a Cardinal with an owie before Romo threw which would mean it doesn't count and Folk would have to kick a 57-yard field goal. My guts hurt. So they have to try again. And they got a whole second extra and the first down. I want to puke. First and 5 on the 35, and Folk's gotta try a 52-yard FG. His career long is 53. I want to spew. Now they're going to go review it again. What the hell? They're gonna make sure the guy has an owie. The ruling stands. The kick was blocked, and the Cardinals called a time out. I'm going to evacuate my bowels. Nick Folk's kick is good. Score 24 all. We go into overtime. Holy Poobiscuits. PLEASEWINTHECOINTOSSPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE. Thank God. Miles Austin gets a 23-yard kick return. Please score, Tony Romo, and I'll say your girlfriend sings pretty and most certainly did not sound like a bag of wet kittens when she did the National Anthem yesterday at that Nascar thing. OK, nice fumble recovery. But you know what's nicer? NOT FUMBLING. Romo tosses short to TO, and is really slow getting up. Oooh...ya'll broke Jessica's boyfriend..... Third and 18, long to TO, but way over his head. Fourth, and Cardinals get the ball. PLEASEDON'TSCORE. Crap. Blocked punt, recovered by Cardinals and run into the end zone. Final: Cardinals 30, Dallas 24. I'm going to go drink now.