Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Dear Jonathan William Kirby:

So you were the Spaghetti Sauce Vandal everyone was all agog over. I have to say, I had no idea Ragu was a weapon of mass destruction capable of committing $6,000 worth of damage, but you are proof positive that they're certainly growing burgeoning attention addicts smarter these days. I mean, the weapon of choice was ingenious. Much like the components of meth are completely innocuous when purchased singly, you were able to procure your weapons of mediocre destruction completely under the radar. But I have a few questions, as I read your story in the Dallas Morning News. For one, why Great Value onions? Was it a statement, this choice, to signify, "You are not worthy of name-brand onions?" Was it a hurried purchase, or something purloined from your mother's pantry? If so, what does your mom use jars of onions in, and can you get me the recipe? And why spaghetti sauce, other than the relative ease in obtaining it? Were you tempted to try other things, to maybe throw them against the wall to see what sticks, so to speak? What kind of sauce did you use? Why that brand? Oddly enough, I'm not the least bit curious about why you picked the locale you did for your sauce lobbing. I've been to Frisco. So please, Jonathan William Kirby, talk to us.