American Idol: The Ugh, Just Give it to Adam Already So I Can Drink This Beer in Peace edition

Why are the celebrity sightings at Idol so freakin' random? Kimberly Locke, Janice Dickinson and Joely Fisher. Random. SeacrestOUT says they got a bazillion votes last night. He also wants to respect the four people who professionally guided blah blah blah. Then he ranked on Randy's "For me for you" thing. Then Kara's "you suck sweetie" thing. Oh look...ghosts from Idols past hosting the respective home town parties. And now the top 13 butchering Pink's "So What!" Awe. Some. I don't even remember part of these people. Did I mention this is two hours long? Oh dear, Scott the blind is dancing. Oh dear. Now David Cook is up, singing his new single, "Permanent." He also has a song called "Barbasol." I sense a beauty salon theme. Then he got done singing it, and SeacrestOUT came out and picked the scab that is David Cook's brother dying of brain cancer. By the by, you can download the song after the show on iTunes and the proceeds go to curing cancers. Even elbow cancers and armpit cancers. Now they're going to openly mock the people who lost this year. And the trainwrecks at audition. This is why I never watch the audition shows. Ladies and gentlemen, Norman Gentle in the house. Paula is agog. Lil Rounds and Queen Latifah for the first duet of the night. Hey Lil! You're still flat! I believe the good Queen Latifah will show you how it's done. Did I mention this show is two hours long tonight? Oy...Anoop singing...then Alexis...singing the Jason Mraz song, "I'm Yours." Oh, and whodathunk it, there's Jason Mraz. Kris? Meet the guy you'll probably be touring with in a year. Kris Allen, Jason Mraz and Jack Johnson. And btw, Alexis and Anoop made the Jason Mraz song sad. SAD. Now we're seeing a Kris Allen bio, including his near puke when he was announced as a finalist. Kris Allen and Keith Urban are gonna sing "Kiss a Girl." Lessee how this goes. So far, no suck. Promising. I like it when things don't suck. That's nice. Not sucking. He's also pretty good. That's nice. I like it when things are pretty good. And it's nice he gets to sing with Mr. Nicole Kidman. I bet if Nicole's gourd wasn't so Botoxed, she'd smile and mouth the lyrics along in an animated fashion, and perhaps yell, "Go Kris!" But the world will never know if that would happen. I should also mention that my affection for Kris, as outlined somewhat last night, is also due to some home town loyalty. While not from Conway, I am from Arkansas - but the cool part. I feel, much like people who live in other maligned states like Delaware, Oklahoma and Kentucky, that one must cheer vociferously when one of our own manages to do something that doesn't involve feeling up interns, refusing to know when to quit a presidential campaign, or marrying your uncle. I'm just sayin'. Dear sweet merciful poop pants of Jeebus...the loser girls (except poor Allison) are singing "Glamorous" - the one Fergie sings. Oh lookit - Fergie. Singing um, worse? Worse than the Idol loser girls. Now it's the rest of the Black Eyed Peas...and a sudden curious cutaway and silence and a view of the Idol stage. Remind me why I thought Megan Joy was endearing again? Because she just sang like she's been punched in the throat. Oh look...bikini girl...and she sings...then Kara comes out and they have a sing off. Then Kara opens her dress. And it literally was just as exciting as I just described it. Alison Iraheta and Cindy Lauper are gonna sing "Time After Time," which is probably one of my favorite CL songs. And this is nice. We never really got to see little Allison do anything acoustic. And by the way, does Cindy Lauper age? I think she's made one of those deals like Dick Clark, where you look like you haven't aged at all, and then suddenly the offer expires and it all hits you at once. Thwap! You're old and wrinkly and 78! And then your neck jerks back like you've been tased and you fall to the floor. That's my theory anyway. Anyhoo, I'd download this from iTunes, I believe. Now he's talking to the fams Kris and Adam. Look at the cans on Kris' mom. I mean, don't. Don't. I don't notice such things. Oh look. It's Danny Gokey singing, "Hello." Is this to remind us he's not David Cook? And of course we know now this means Lionel Richie is gonna come out. It only took us an hour, but we figured it out, you goofy AI producers! And, btw, let's all stop for a minute and remember that Paula Abdul was a choreographer. Yet, she dances like a drunken white cougar at ladies night at La Bare's. Lionel is also going to show Danny Gokey how to use his hips in a side to side motion typically thought of as dancing. Now it's the Glambert bio. Holy planetoid outfit, Batman. Glambert's singing my least favorite KISS song - "Beth." Five bucks says KISS comes out soon. I would also like to announce that Glambert is wearing more eye makeup than me. Mother Heifer. I was right. Oh come on....Glambert gets pyro AND KISS? And old dudes in leather? Carlos Santana is doing the intro to "Black Magic Woman." Hmmm...who's gonna sing it? Oh, there ya go. Matt Giraud. The Not Timberlake. Now all 13 are out, and they're gonna sing "Smooth." And we're reminded why many of these people were sent home. Jorge? That made my innards hurt. And now the final Ford commercial, I mean, video. Adam and Kris, and a montage of memories. Tear. David Cook says there's a surprise for Kris and Adam. And it's cars! OMGZ. Megan Joy, Michael Sarver and....Steve Martin on banjo. Something I never thought I'd string together in the same blog. Wow..the banjo is great. Everything else? Meh. Now it's disco Idol with the boys. They're singing Rod Stewart's "Do Ya Think I'm Sexy." And they stole their outfits from the set of Men in Black. And then Rod Stewart came out wearing a coat he stole from a used car salesman. And he's singing "Maggie May." And he's kinda um, rough? Yeah. Rough. More audition videos. I want to die. I DON'T WATCH THIS FOR A REASON. Tatiana scares me. IJS. Can we just name this puppy? I need to pee. SERIOUSLY. Now we get to see them sing "We Are the Champions." TOGETHER. Seriously - this is mean. This song is tailored for Adam Lambert. Kris is gonna get drowned out. But hoo! lookit! Queen. And the rest of the Idol losers, singing along. Yanno, Glambert's kinda whiffing this one during the chorus. But you can tell Kris is just jazzed to be on the stage with FREAKIN' QUEEN. And they're both having a blast. And let's face it, they're both gonna end up putting out albums, regardless of who wins tonight. But I know which one I'll actually buy. NO NO NO NOT ANOTHER FREAKIN COMMERCIAL BREAK. Dude...I coulda been blogging with Clarice Tinsley. Now SeacrestOUT asks Simon what he wants to say and who should win. And Simon says they're both very nice people and they deserve it blah blah blah. Woot! Edward Bodington in the hizzy! Hot British accent! A new world rec-ord was created. Say it again Eddie. Say. It. Again. Oh wait...they're announcing the winner. Kris Allen won. Holy crap on toast! My five texts last night totally worked! I mean, your text and phone calls totally worked! Way to go! I, of course, being cool, never texted a vote. *Cough* SUCK IT SIMON COWELL! Ooh! And he gets a trophy. It's new. His mom is so crazy cute...and look at his adorable wife...and Kris can't articulate nuthin. It's adorable. Kris Allen has to sing "No Boundaries" again. Bloody hell. The man just won American Idol and he's stuck singing that unmitigated mess of syllables wrapped up in a bum's chalupa? That's just mean. I'm sorry Kris. But yay! You won American Idol.