American Idol: It's Almost Time

This opening is stupid. STUPID. Can I say it's stupid? "I'm a superstar in the making?" Threw up. In my mouth. A little. So it's Kris Allen and Adam Lambert in the finals. All the Gokey fans need to quit whining. Seriously. He should've been kicked off for that unearthly wail from "Dream On," and the fact that he wasn't was only compounded by the fact that he summoned the undead spirit of Michael Bolton for his final two songs. He earned his boot last week, m'frens. Talk about two vastly different yet the same singers, though. Both are innovative, but one is quietly so, and the other does it with sparklers. One acts like he knows he won, the other looked like he might throw up when named to the top two. SeacrestOUT says they have three songs each - favorite from the season, one chosen by Simon Fuller - creator of American Idol, and a song co-written by Kara. SeacrestOUT also says tomorrow night's results show may run long. TIVO alert, folks. Also, Glee better not suck. I've been waiting to watch it for two months. If it sucks, I'll be mean. I will. Adam Lambert screamed when he was a baby and was a pain in the ass. His parents say so. He's singing first, reprising his version of "Mad World." Smoke. Trench coat. Stairs. Very Dramatic Moment. I find myself watching for jazz hands and some Fosse side steps. Cripes...this song is like Valium and glitter. Was it this long the last time, too? Randy says this is it and he loves Glambert's showing the emotion or something. "A for Adam! A!" Kara says she's so happy he chose that performance. He changed the game with that one. And then she ate her face. Paula says he's handsome and she's proud of him. (BTW, holy spray tan, Paula!) Something about a theatrical taste. Simon thinks it was over theatrical and reminded him of "Phantom of the Opera." Kris Allen had to be paid to sing. A quarter. His parents encouraged his busking, apparently. He's singing, "Ain't No Sunshine," which he knocked out of the park the last time he did it. Oooh! Mayer face even on the piano. Can I just say that it'll probably be a close vote, but people shouldn't bank on the voting audience going with the judges? If that happened, Archuletta would've won, IJS. Randy was dressed by Scott. Randy loves that he can tell exactly what kind of artist he is, and that was one of his best performances ever. Kara says there's something wrong with you if Kris Allen doesn't move you when he sings. And then she ate her face. Paula says he awakens some spirit in all of us and allenizes something something. Simon said he wasn't sure America had made the right choice in putting him in the top two, but he takes it back now. Simon Fuller picked "Change is Gonna Come," for Adam Lambert. Interesting. I would've called Kris for this song. I think he'd pick up the nuances better, but we'll see. See, this is my beef with Adam - this is a performance for him. Like a trained monkey. Kris, it's like he's listened to the song, and it's coming from his gut. Adam is the Lamborghini that you watch as it travels down the street. Kris is the old school Ford pickup that's been restored that you walk around and admire, and know it's got some history behind the cab. Randy says that the reason he's here is because he can sing his face off. Kara says this was his best yet. And then she ate her face. Paula says it was the best she ever heard him sing. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever... Simon says he's 100 percent back in the game.... Kris Allen is doing "What's Going On." Again, Simon Fuller picked it. And it was pretty much a good choice. Randy says they've got a real live competition. He thinks it was a little light for him. Kara loves that he was true to himself from day one. And then she ate her face. Paula says he tore that song up and made Marvin Gaye proud. Simon said it sounded like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye and it was too laid back. While we wait during commercials, lemme ask this: Is it just me, or is this season just not as exciting. Sure, there's been some decentesque talent, but something about the change in the way they've done things is just sucking the life right out of the show. What do you think? What the hell kind of britches does Glambert have on? Oh, right. The singing. I hate this song. But it is pop-ish, and an example of what will go on the radio, and Glambert is showing some serious armor chinks. In short, this sounds like Adam Sandler doing Air Supply. Seriously - are those acid washed jeans? Randy's outfit makes me sad. Inside. Where it hurts the most. Randy says he can sing anything, but it wasn't one of his favorite performances. It was pitchy. Kara says it's amazing when someone like his talent something something. Then she ate her face. Paula says adjectives can't something something. Seriously, Paula. OOMPA, LOOMPA, DOOPITY DO. Simon says over the entire season he's been one of the best, most original contestants. He believes Adam is a worldwide star. And then he politely asked for a shoehorn so he could pry himself out of Adam's ass before Kris takes the stage, because really, he can't hear a damn thing in there. Kris Allen is singing the same song. I'm meh so far. He better pick it up. I think it's the song. It's not well suited to either guy. They're not power ballad guys. Well, Lambert is, but not that one, obvs. The song is swallowing Kris. Randy said he should be very proud of what he's done in this competition. He thought it fit his voice better than it did for Adam. Kara said the song was too high for him, and he shouldn't be judged on that. She hopes people vote on the season, and then she ate her face. Paula said something something take it in. As a person of color, she agrees with Randy. Simon said watching him on stage was incredible and he thoroughly deserves to be standing on the stage. So, that's that. Any predictions? Personally, with that last one, I think I would've been more interested to hear songs they wrote, instead of them both singing the same song that really didn't suit either of them. Hop to it. The comments are open, and you people certainly bitched enough about last week's absenteeism. I expect a flood, people.