American Idol: It's Almost Time

This opening is stupid. STUPID. Can I say it's stupid? "I'm a superstar in the making?" Threw up. In my mouth. A little. So it's Kris Allen and Adam Lambert in the finals. All the Gokey fans need to quit whining. Seriously. He should've been kicked off for that unearthly wail from "Dream On," and the fact that he wasn't was only compounded by the fact that he summoned the undead spirit of Michael Bolton for his final two songs. He earned his boot last week, m'frens. Talk about two vastly different yet the same singers, though. Both are innovative, but one is quietly so, and the other does it with sparklers. One acts like he knows he won, the other looked like he might throw up when named to the top two. SeacrestOUT says they have three songs each - favorite from the season, one chosen by Simon Fuller - creator of American Idol, and a song co-written by Kara. SeacrestOUT also says tomorrow night's results show may run long. TIVO alert, folks. Also, Glee better not suck. I've been waiting to watch it for two months. If it sucks, I'll be mean. I will. Adam Lambert screamed when he was a baby and was a pain in the ass. His parents say so. He's singing first, reprising his version of "Mad World." Smoke. Trench coat. Stairs. Very Dramatic Moment. I find myself watching for jazz hands and some Fosse side steps. Cripes...this song is like Valium and glitter. Was it this long the last time, too? Randy says this is it and he loves Glambert's showing the emotion or something. "A for Adam! A!" Kara says she's so happy he chose that performance. He changed the game with that one. And then she ate her face. Paula says he's handsome and she's proud of him. (BTW, holy spray tan, Paula!) Something about a theatrical taste. Simon thinks it was over theatrical and reminded him of "Phantom of the Opera." Kris Allen had to be paid to sing. A quarter. His parents encouraged his busking, apparently. He's singing, "Ain't No Sunshine," which he knocked out of the park the last time he did it. Oooh! Mayer face even on the piano. Can I just say that it'll probably be a close vote, but people shouldn't bank on the voting audience going with the judges? If that happened, Archuletta would've won, IJS. Randy was dressed by Scott. Randy loves that he can tell exactly what kind of artist he is, and that was one of his best performances ever. Kara says there's something wrong with you if Kris Allen doesn't move you when he sings. And then she ate her face. Paula says he awakens some spirit in all of us and allenizes something something. Simon said he wasn't sure America had made the right choice in putting him in the top two, but he takes it back now. Simon Fuller picked "Change is Gonna Come," for Adam Lambert. Interesting. I would've called Kris for this song. I think he'd pick up the nuances better, but we'll see. See, this is my beef with Adam - this is a performance for him. Like a trained monkey. Kris, it's like he's listened to the song, and it's coming from his gut. Adam is the Lamborghini that you watch as it travels down the street. Kris is the old school Ford pickup that's been restored that you walk around and admire, and know it's got some history behind the cab. Randy says that the reason he's here is because he can sing his face off. Kara says this was his best yet. And then she ate her face. Paula says it was the best she ever heard him sing. Ever. Ever. Ever. Ever... Simon says he's 100 percent back in the game.... Kris Allen is doing "What's Going On." Again, Simon Fuller picked it. And it was pretty much a good choice. Randy says they've got a real live competition. He thinks it was a little light for him. Kara loves that he was true to himself from day one. And then she ate her face. Paula says he tore that song up and made Marvin Gaye proud. Simon said it sounded like three friends in their bedroom strumming along to Marvin Gaye and it was too laid back. While we wait during commercials, lemme ask this: Is it just me, or is this season just not as exciting. Sure, there's been some decentesque talent, but something about the change in the way they've done things is just sucking the life right out of the show. What do you think? What the hell kind of britches does Glambert have on? Oh, right. The singing. I hate this song. But it is pop-ish, and an example of what will go on the radio, and Glambert is showing some serious armor chinks. In short, this sounds like Adam Sandler doing Air Supply. Seriously - are those acid washed jeans? Randy's outfit makes me sad. Inside. Where it hurts the most. Randy says he can sing anything, but it wasn't one of his favorite performances. It was pitchy. Kara says it's amazing when someone like his talent something something. Then she ate her face. Paula says adjectives can't something something. Seriously, Paula. OOMPA, LOOMPA, DOOPITY DO. Simon says over the entire season he's been one of the best, most original contestants. He believes Adam is a worldwide star. And then he politely asked for a shoehorn so he could pry himself out of Adam's ass before Kris takes the stage, because really, he can't hear a damn thing in there. Kris Allen is singing the same song. I'm meh so far. He better pick it up. I think it's the song. It's not well suited to either guy. They're not power ballad guys. Well, Lambert is, but not that one, obvs. The song is swallowing Kris. Randy said he should be very proud of what he's done in this competition. He thought it fit his voice better than it did for Adam. Kara said the song was too high for him, and he shouldn't be judged on that. She hopes people vote on the season, and then she ate her face. Paula said something something take it in. As a person of color, she agrees with Randy. Simon said watching him on stage was incredible and he thoroughly deserves to be standing on the stage. So, that's that. Any predictions? Personally, with that last one, I think I would've been more interested to hear songs they wrote, instead of them both singing the same song that really didn't suit either of them. Hop to it. The comments are open, and you people certainly bitched enough about last week's absenteeism. I expect a flood, people.

American Idol: The My Brains Hurt So This Is Fueled by Vicodin Edition

Helllloooo, everyone. Glambert in the bottom three last week? Buhwha and oh my. This week, we have rock week, with Slash - SLASH - as the mentor. I really hope this involves teaching baby Allison the proper way to carry around a bottle of Jack Damage and how not to puke on the band. SeacrestOUT said there were a couple of accidents on the set, and one of the AI tower doohickeys collapsed. The contestants haven't had a proper run through. AND THEN THEY MIGHT DIE WHILE THEY SING. Also, the contestants are going to pair up and sing duets. Dear merciful lord in heaven - who styled Glambert? He looks like a cross between Danny Zuko and the Barry Gibb Talk Show. Now they're explaining who Slash is. The contestants got to meet him at the Roxy. Danny Gokey is doing the white man overbite. SERIOUSLY. Glambert's doing "Whole Lotta Love." Slash told him not to improvise on the high registers. Personally, I hate it when he does that. I want to punch a baby kitten in the head. I'm glad Slash agrees with me. (Note to self: Google high register and music.) OK - did we have any doubt that Glambert would take to this week Richard Pryor to heroin (too soon?). I just realized that Glambert has the Rosie O'Donnell haircut. Randy says this is the Adam he loves and he's a rock star. Kara says he's a rock god. And then she said a bunch of other stuff that I tuned out. Paula says he's a "whole lot of perfect." Simon joked that the performance was a little understated, but seriously it was his favorite performance Adam's ever done. "The problem is, nobody can top that now," he said. Glambert took Little Allison to his hairstylist for rock girl hair. Slash said she's predisposed to the Janis Joplin thing - I'm hoping he means vocally, because, uh.... So she's singing "Cry Baby," and as expected, pretty much nailing it. OK, she's the exact opposite of David Archuleta, whose youth came off "golly gee shucks." Randy didn't love the song choices. "All it was was the 'cry baby, cry baby'..." Kara says Janis was the right choice, and thought "Piece of My Heart" would've been better. Paula says she should do the biopic of Janis Joplin. Simon said he thought it was a terrific vocal and she had presence, but worried the song was too sound-alike with the original. Then little miss Allison got all feisty in Simon's face. So far, two pretty solid performances. I see a potential train wreck with Gokey, IJS. First duet of the night - Kris and Gokey doing "Renegade." Of course, this means an Allison-Glambert matchup. Oh...this is...bad. KARAOKE. If this was less rock and roll, it'd be Lawrence Welk with the bubbles. I mean, between Kris' John Mayer guitar faces and Gokey's white man overbite, we've got a mess of facial ticks and sadness. Randy really liked the harmonies. The individual vocals were OK but the harmonies were better. Kara says the sum of the parts was better, and there was pitchy moments. Paula says it was really great and powerful and compelling. Simon says Danny was better than Kris. Kris is up for his solo now, will do the Beatles' "Come Together." He's gonna have to top last year's version by Carly Smithson. Slash tells him to be more animated. Yay! More John Mayer faces! It's a little bluesy... slowed down a bit. It was probably a wise choice for Kris, considering he's not really hard rock, but this addresses the week's theme but still sounds like him. Hah! Randy agreed with me and he loved what he was playing on the guitar. Kara thought it wasn't a great performance and he tried too hard. Paula said his artistic delivery put his signature all over it. He's an artist on this stage. NO. Really? Simon actually didn't like it too much and thought it was like eating ice for lunch. Holy crapstick covered in lima beans. SeacrestOUT just said Gokey's gonna sing "Dream On." That's just mean. It's either gonna be a train wreck or TOTAL KARAOKE. WTF is he wearing? Why, honey, that's the least rock and roll thing he could find in the Idol closet, that's what that is. I am not liking this. NOT. Liking. This. He sounds like he's taking a giant dump. A big, steamy, stinky pile of poop right on the stage, but he forgot his fiber so he's having to strain at the stool. That's what I think. In the name of all that is good and holy, make that stop. Randy says this isn't his genre, and this was all right for him. Gave him an A for effort. Kara says he took it a little too far. Paula doesn't know if this was the right song for him. But she's a huge fan, a huge fan. Simon agrees with everyone. That last note, he said, was like watching a horror movie. I AGREE, COWELL. He still thinks he'll be safe after tonight. Can I just say that I think the Allison and Glambert duet will be AWESOMENESS? I mean, I could be wrong, but I really think that this could be freakin' awesome. What if they do some Lita Ford/Ozzy Osbourne? They won't, but what if they did? They're doing "Slowride." Alright, alright alright..... I don't think this was the best song. I think Lita Ford and Ozzy would've been better. I mean, they can't suck more than the other, so they've got that goin' for 'em. And hey, they go to the same hair stylist now, so there's that... Randy says they're the two seasoned rock stars and they should do a duet on their albums. Kara says they're the rock god and rock goddess, which is like prom king and queen but way more gay. Paula says they should get married. Simon says they definitely won the show on the battle of duets and that it may have given Allison a chance to stay in the competition. Do you smell a possible Glambert-Allison showdown in the final? Wouldn't that be a kick in the pants - the girl who has visited the bottom three the most ends up being in the final? As for the bottom two - I'm predicting Gokey and Kris. What say you?

American Idol: The I Ain't Here Edition

I shan't be around a television tonight for AI, but I'm starting this open thread so you guys can have at it in the comments. Or not. Whatevs. I'll post links to the individual performances tomorrow.

American Idol: The Comment All You Want Edition

Much like Frontburner's comments, American Idol's theme today is disco. Last week, the judges used their only save of the season on Matt Giraud, which means this week two people go home. Wait - did Simon pick that shirt out of the discard pile? And with pretty much no ado, we're hearing Lil Rounds singing "I'm Every Woman." I'm still meh. Her backup singers are outsinging her. She's mostly riffing. And screaming. Paula loves it, of course. Randy agrees with me. It was big, it was grand, but it didn't show off her vocals right. Kara says she's been waiting for her to sing Chaka Khan. But she doesn't think it was worth the wait. Paula says she was on complete vocal rest yesterday. Lil didn't tap into her "inner goddess." Simon says she looks sad. He also said this is probably gonna be her last week. Ouch. Kris is up next - with his guitar. He's doing "She Works Hard for the Money." You know, I never thought of a bluesy, acoustic version of this song, but it's actually good. If he could keep the John Mayer faces to a minimum, I could really see him giving Glambert a run for his money. Kara just keeps repeating his name. She thinks the risky arrangement paid off, and she's impressed. Paula said it had a classy Santana vibe. And then something about men buying women's clothes. IDK. Simon said it was a polar opposite of Lil's, in that it was original, well thought out and not karaoke. Randy called him dawg. And dude. And said he was ready for the big time. Danny is doing Earth, Wind and Fire - "September." I'm getting a distinctly karaoke vibe from this. I mean, seriously, you come on and do this, compared to Kris and knowing Glambert is coming? Oy. When I watch Gokey, I think karaoke meets praise night at the local Baptist church. Randy was worried about his choice. But he said he turned into something that worked for him. Kara was also worried. But she thinks he's an incredible vocalist. Not sure he's memorable. Paula likes that he showed his vocal ability. And his voice is sexy. Simon agreed with everyone. Didn't get star power from the performance. He didn't do anything special. Allison is doing "Hot Stuff." Holy leather Batman. She's like, 17? Oy. And this arrangement. Not sure about. She's taking it rock. The beginning, unsure. But at least she's showing she wants to try to compete with Kris and Glambert. And ya know, it's growin' on me. Randy didn't love the arrangement, but thinks she's one of the best singers in this competition. Kara agrees about the arrangement. But she thinks she picked the right song, and that she's one of the best singers. Paula says something about compromise...likes the arrangement because it was authentic. Simon thinks she's always gonna be the underdog, but he th0ught it was a brilliant performance. Glambert is all cleaned up again, with the suit and the non emo hair. He's singing "If I Can't Have You." But he says he's tweaked it. He's turned it into a ballad. The judges will probably like it. It's kinda like if Celine Dion and Air Supply tongue kissed. Randy thinks he's ready right now. And that he's the hot one tonight, "Amuricah." Kara thinks he's brilliant. And inspiring. Like her boobs. Paula never questions her visceral response when he performs. She felt his pain, and thinks he tore his heart out and left it on the stage. Simon thought he would've done Donna Summer. He loved the originality and that it's memorable. Matt is doing "Staying Alive." Hmm...I dunno. Unless he picks it up, he's not really showing much range. I will say it's different from the original arrangement, but still...hmmm...not that memorable. Randy didn't love the arrangement or song choice, but he thinks he can really sing. He says this group is the most talented group in some time...really? Did you develop amnesia from last season? Kara thought it was song. Paula says he picks songs like she bowls. And this was a strike, not a gutter ball. Simon didn't like it. In the real world, he said, it wasn't that great or original. Anoop is singing "Dim All the Lights." OK. Everyone. SLOWING IT DOWN DOES NOT MAKE IT AN ORIGINAL ARRANGEMENT. I mean, it may be a different one, but they better not make it a practice, or it will become really, really obvious. That being said, I'm not sure I love this song. It feels like I'm trapped in an elevator. A nice one, sure, but still an elevator. Randy didn't love the arrangement, but thinks he can sing. Um, yay? Kara thought it was great and thought it sounded like it could be on the radio. Paula likes his growth. Uh? Simon completely disagrees with them, and thinks it was mediocre at best. So, who will be the bottom three? I'm thinking Lil, Anoop, and possibly Gokey or Giraud. Of course, for some reason, people like to not vote for Allison, too, so she could end up there, too. If she does, and is one of the two to go, will Simon, et. al, regret giving Matt G. the save last week?

American Idol: The Results Show Edition

Forget Flo-Rida, Seacrest! OMGSABCDEFG it's Mario Lopez! So, after reviewing the performances, I predict our verifiable two in the bottom three will likely be Scott and Lil. Allison, although the judges liked her, could end up in the three because she seems to land there every week. Kris Allen had a weak performance, so he could be there, too. Adam, obvs, is fine this week again. Simon gave him a standing O. And that's not a euphemism. Apparently, right now, SeacrestOUT! is implying Simon is old. By playing Frankie Avalon. And then Avalon comes out and serenades Simon with "Venus." Because Simon is old. The cheesy group number is a song from the first year of Idol. Crap. It's "Can't Get You Out of My Head." EVERY time this song is played, I have to powerwash it from my brains. I adore the Anoop/Kris bumper car sitch with Scott, as they bump him around the stage like a shuffleboard whatsit. And can I just say that I don't get the love for Lil Rounds? She may have a good voice, but she's tone deaf. Even now, she's off. OFF. WAY OFF. Like, in Oklahoma when you meant to go to New Mexico, OFF. And juxtaposed with Allison's open of the number, she sounds even worse. Prediction: If Allison gets voted off tonight, the judges will use their save. Now the Ford commercial. They stole Britney Spears album concept and her song, but it's supposed to be an old time magic show. Director: Scott has no idea if he looks menacing. Something tells me that this is not the first time Adam has worn blue false eyelashes, either. "You'll strike a pose, and it'll be kinda magical." OK, can I direct the next one? I can do that, for gosh sakes. This is the most boring Ford commercial ever. And that's saying something, considering Bill Ford used to do them. The mayor of Kalamazoo, Mich., is in the house. Why they didn't open with that, I don't know. Totally buried the lede there, SeacrestOUT. Randy thinks Adam was the bomb last night. Kara didn't try to count anything, thank beezus. Paula says he knows who he is. Adam is safe. Duh. Least. Suspenseful. Moment. Ever. BTW, WTH is up with Paula's gloves? Anoop is in the bottom three. Kris is safe. Hmmm...if Lil and Scott aren't in the other two seats, there is no justice in Idol land. SeacrestOUT just asked who will fill the other stools. Uh..dude...poor choice of words. Am I the only one who immediately thought of a dirty diaper? Flo Rida. I learned today that Flo Rida has a published number, and responds to texts. I do not know who the girl with the goat voice is. But I want to learn to skip in stilettos like that. Without, you know, dying. OK, I do not know what ROOTS stands for. Still. Flo Rida, enunciate. He's really sweaty, too, IJS. Danny is safe. Matt will be safe, because that gives three left to make sweat for good telebishuns.... Hah! Called it! Matt is safe. Now for Scott. Called it! Scott is headed to the stools, too. Can we call them something else? Please? Allison and Lil are last. Allison, of the Kool-Aid (OH YEAH!) hair, is safe. Lil's in the bottom. If they save Lil, I will throw something. Probably. Maybe. I dunno. But I will be irate. Dude...sweet yams are 57 cents a pound. And, btw, the food that I've eaten at Cotton Patch has NEVER looked like that. OK...we're back. And Kelly Pickler is going to sing something. What is with the backup singers? They're not with her, or she's not with them. And she sounds kinda nasal and screamy. Now comes the part where she flirts with Simon. Pickler, you did this last year, and Simon gave you the same look, like you farted in his face. Good god. Someone turn her mic off. Ok, the three. Lil is safe. It's between Anoop and Scott. Ok, now I'm torn. As much as I think Scott needs to go now, the thought of having to listen to that tragedy that was last night's performance one more time makes me die a little inside. I wonder if it's Anoop, if the judges will save him? Anoop looks pissed. Scott looks puzzled. Scott has the lowest number of votes. Anoop is safe. But now we have to listen to ... the Lido deck. He's a thoroughly charming third choice for wedding singer, but American Idol, and someone you'd burn your one save on? Not so much. Where'd Randy go? I see Paula and Kara and Simon. This bodes ill, I think, for his chances of the save. And OMG that tragic high note. I has a sad. STOP. Oh, and Paula, Kara? HE CAN'T SEE YOU DANCE. Oohh...Simon just said two people think he should stay, and two should go. Boys against girls? FIVEBUCKSSAYSYES. Simon's thinking they may want to use that save on one of the others. Paula and Kara say he did well before.... Simon tells him it's over. Was it the right choice? Yes. He was a really nice guy, obviously, but as the weeks progressed, the difference between him and say, Adam and Alison, and even Matt and Kris, becomes obvious. Lil Rounds? Pull something awesome out next week, or you'll be gone, too.

American Idol...Had a Meeting Last Night So This Is What You Get, Edition

I had a meeting last night. Missed Idol. Tonight's the results show, so I'll live blog that instead. But here you go. Adam Lambert Allison Iraheta Matt Giraud Kris Allen Danny Gokey Anoop Desai Lil Rounds Scott MacIntyre

American Idol: Quit Saying Dawg, For the Love of Pete

Dinner is simmering, and the theme is songs that make you seem current or hip hop or country or something. Top 40 or something. Whatever. This is quite possibly the most karaoke group of individuals in Idol history, and that's saying something when you consider this is the same show that birthed the "Soul Patrol," or whatever horrible thing that was. Anoop picked Usher, and a song I've probably scrubbed from my brain three summers ago. No somebody liked it, btw. Except Paula. She wants him to work on his stage presence, "instead of a lot of stuff going back and forth." Randy no likey. Simon thought it was a complete and utter mess. I don't remember it, because I nodded off. It gave Simon a headache. Megan Joy? I'm not even sure what that was. Oy. Paula is about to call her pretty. That means you sucked. I think she just told her to take a bus ride. I don't know. And she needs to rip the heart out of someone. And feed it to Paula. Apparently. Simon said she was boring. Randy said it was like watching paint dry. They keep saying she needs to lean toward Amy Winehouse, Adele and Duffy. Hi! I've been saying that for THREE WEEKS. Danny is singing "What Hurts the Most," by Rascal Flatts. Beginning? KARY-EFFING-OAKE. Second thought? Train wreck. If every judge likes this, I will quit drinking this delicious confection of alcohol in this here glass. If there's any left. I plan on chugging it really fast, just in case. Paula liked it. But I'm pretty sure if a lamp came out, she'd love it. The camera just cut to a tranny holding an "I love Danny" sign. Crap. Simon likes it. Paula liked it. Gaw. Randy liked it. Mother eff. Ok, Kara, I hate your guts, but if you can do me a solid and NOT INTERRUPT MY PLANNED EVENING OF DRINKING THINGS, I would appreciate it. I will also quit making fun of you. I hate Kara. He moved everyone? Now I need to drink. OK, I'm scrolling back, and I've realized that I said I'd quit drinking that particular drink. I will. I will switch to a new one. Allison is singing "Don't Speak," by No Doubt. She said she grew up listening to No Doubt. I just felt myself die a little inside, and this tiny voice started saying that I'm old. To shut it up, I'm going to drink something. I'm meh about this. I am. She started out decent, but she seems a little off... Randy made fun of her dress. Kara said she sounded forced, and it wasn't her best. And then she pooped in her seat(I hate Kara). Paula says her intonation masturbates. Something about a karate chop. Simon says he can't ignore the outfit. "Tonight's theme is Halloween," he said. She sounded like someone's precocious daughter trying to be a rock star, he said. Um, yeah? Isn't that the point? Simon said she shouted the song. Randy disagrees, dawg. Scott is singing "Just the Way You Are," by Billy Joel. Which is way current and really up to date. He says it's just going to be him and the piano. Radical change. OK, his hair is less short bus. I will say. The stylist got a hold of him, and convinced him that someone that can actually see his head should comb his hair. But musically? Still church talent show. Of course, the judges are probably going to love him. And then I'll need to drink again. Kara: I think you made a very smart choice. I'm going to now say something that allows me to point repeatedly at my boobs. Paula: I'm most proud of you because you're blind. It has nothing to do with your challenge, it has everything to do with what makes me forget about that challenge, so much so that I suggest you dance around more and lose the piano. Simon: Your best performance by a country mile so far. It's a different Scott. Randy: One of the best of the night, dawg. Dawg. Dawgitty dawg dawg dawg! Matt Giraud is doing The Fray, "I Found You." He sounds like he's trying too hard. And kind of goaty. He's getting better as the song goes on, but still goaty. The swaybots are scaring me. I don't think I'd want to be surrounded by all those dudes and 10 year old girls. It didn't totally suck, I guess. Kind of timberlakean with a dash of suck. Paula: I like it when you rip it. We know who you are! Simon: You should be happy Matt, b/c we don't like you this week. Hah! Simon. Agrees. With. Me. This was just uncomfortable Randy: Check it out, dawg. It wasn't the great song for you (for me.) He thinks he should've done One Republic or Timberlake. Kara: Look at my boobs! Oh, and you sucked it this week. Lil has been getting nailed by the judges. That's what SHE said. She decided to go with Celine Dion, "I Surrender." Did I mention my intense hate for Celine Dion? Look! It's Lil Rounds, and her wig. Randy: Young it up. Kara: Singer that can just let it out. Oh, and look at my boobs. Paula: I don't want to see an adult contemporary Lil Rounds. I want to see the joy something something. Simon: Safe song. Quite similar to a wedding performance. Suggested "One," by U2. This was honestly so old-fashioned. All your personality is being sucked out of you. Lil's little kid wants to punch Randy. Or so she said. Instead she gave Randy a big hug. Adam is doing "Play that Funky Music White Boy," from 1976. He's kept the Elvis hair. He's slowed down the song and further funkified it, which is odd since the song already had the word funky in it. It's like Lenny Kravitz and Adam Levine had a baby song, but then it did some heavy narcotics. Everybody loved it, you can see it. Paula: True something something shatters something. Steven Tyler, Mick Jagger, Adam Lambert. Simon: That was very brave. It was original. Randy: You worked it out. You are definitely in the star zone baby. Kara: Every week, I cannot wait to something something. It was like Studio 57 up in here. Which is like Studio 54, but the velvet rope restrictions are looser, and the strongest drug you get is whatever's in Paula's cup, and she ain't sharin'. Kris is going to put "Ain't No Sunshine" in the John Mayer Song Transmogrifier, and make guitar faces on the stage. Only with a piano. He's trying to have a moment. I've just realized what his face reminds me of, when he sings. Randy: Right now in this moment, you've been slaying 'em dude. So creative, so cool. Lovin' you! Kara: I can count! See? Paula: You took a 30 year old song and made it like I'm hearing it for the first time. Simon: Said he brought some confidence this time. Very good arrangement. So that's that. Who's in the bottom three? I'm thinking Megan, Scott, and Allison or Anoop. Who are you picking?

American Idol: Let the Live Blogging Commence

OK, lemme say first that I didn't roll in until 7:17 because of a Braum's related culinary emergency. So I'm starting with Kris Allen's performance on Motown Week. First, has Smokey Robinson made a deal with Satan? I don't think he's aged in 30 years. As for Allen, no, Kara, he didn't do James Taylor. He did John Mayer doing James Taylor. Sure, it was pleasant, but when is someone gonna call him on that? Simon just read Paula's lines. "Believe in yourself?" Really? Up next? Scott, at the piano, of course, despite Paula's request last week that the blind guy move around the stage more. After the break, Scott basically says he's not gonna dance around the stage because he'll die. So he sings "You Can't Hurry Love." Smokey liked it. I think it sounds like every damned thing he ever sings. My prediction? America kept him on just long enough for him to be able to be on the tour. He goes this week, or next. This just sounds Branson-esque. "I think you pleased both Simon and I," Paula said. That's all I could actually understand. But I know Simon doesn't look pleased. "Oh dear," he said. Simon hates it. Dear lord...I almost always agree with Simon. I clearly need to start wearing my black t shirts tighter. Holy moly. Randy agrees, too. "Hotel sounding," he said. Kara was glad he brought tempo, but he raped the melody or something. I dunno. I tend to zone out when she talks. Paula and Simon get into it, and then Paula gives Simon a coloring book and crayons. Then SeacrestOUT explains to a clearly flummoxed Scott what the heck is going on. And I feel like I need a Silkwood shower after watching all that. Now Megan, who has kind of this Duffy thing going with her voice, maybe with a little Adele in there. She's gonna sing, "For Once in My Life." I know it may not be the most popular choice, but I really like this girl, if she could get past the weird dancing thing she likes to throw into everything. Wait..is she barefoot? Anyway...Paula's dancing, but I'm pretty sure she dances to the toilet flushing. Whoa...Randy says it's a train wreck. Kara doesn't either. She thinks she should've done "My Guy." Paula, "Your stunning beauty just takes my breath away...." but she agrees that it wasn't the right song. Simon hates, too. C'mon guys...it wasn't THAT horrible. OK, during commercial, I should discuss my usual Idol blogging from last year. It was a performer by performer breakdown, complete with quotes from the judges and handicapping for the results show. I promise to do that next week, but this week, it's gonna be pretty freeform. And I really mean next week will look like last season's blogging, because I adore trying to figure out what Paula Abdul is saying. I'm nearly always wrong, but the results are hilarious. Also, I have to say that so far, I really don't think this crowd is as strong as last seasons. By this time last year, there was a clear, definitive front running group. This time, I feel meh about everyone. Last year was the dessert buffet - Ooh! Cheesecake? Eclairs? Black Forest Cake? SIGN ME UP. This year? Green bean bar. Anoop has stones. He's going to sing "Baby, Baby." IN FRONT OF SMOKEY. I don't think Smokey hates any of them. As for Anoop's beginning? Meh. It's starting like Smokey on Hycodan. Sure, he can hit the notes.....but. Meh. Kara: There are moments in your chest...wha? What? You can sing. You have a skill set. (I don't like Kara. There, I said it.) Paula: You're crazy? Your delivery, its sweet its tender. I'd like the teriaki chicken now. Simon: I think you looked as if you were half asleep. Randy: You used the serious Anoop dawg. Michael Sarver - from Jasper, Texas - was sick, didn't go to Detroit. But Smokey came to him. Smokey said his performance was a little weak. Again, pretty much this ENTIRE group makes me feel like I'm enjoying the Lido deck on a Carnival Cruise line. I wouldn't jump off the boat and swim away out of hatred, but I wouldn't rush the stage, either. They bore me. I blame Kara. I've decided it's her fault. You can't talk me out of it. Paula says it sounded Las Vegas lounge-y. "You really need to be driving that song...and not let the reverse happen. I'm sorry Michael, I love you very much." Simon: I have no idea what you just said...Michael, I couldn't wait for it to end. Ouch. He said Michael has no shot at winning with that vocal. "That was below par." Randy: The song was too big for you. Dawg. Kara: blah blah blah artistry. I'm chewing my own face. blah blah blah Lil wants to do "Heat Wave." It's actually a good choice for her. Smokey loves it. Whoa...Lil Rounds with Brill Building hair. Dude. And now she's kinda off. She's really off. But Paula's dancing...or maybe she's got gas. As for Lil...thanks, but can you move over slightly so I can reach the crabcakes on the buffet before the ship shuts it down? Randy: This song for me for you....the front of the song was torture for me. It wasn't the right kind of song for me for you. Note to Randy: That syntax is crazy awful. Kara: You look great. Blah blah blah. You're a diva...If you don't nail it this week....blah blah blah Hold on! I'm enjoying the sound of my voice right now, so quit booing me. Paula: I disagree completely. I do agree with the fact you look beautiful...Like I heard a song for the very first time. Simon: It was an authentic tribute to Motown. It sounded like it was too fast. I don't think it gives you a moment. Simon says she's one of the best singers of the competition. Bar is low. Adam (who alternately makes me want to stab myself in the eye with a pickle fork and applaud), is singing "Tracks of My Tears." Holy crap. He looks...normal...Not like he ran away with Pete Wentz's flatironed hair. Adam cleans up well, and this is easily heading toward the best performance of the night. It's low-key, nonbombastic, and his experience is showing here. He may be this season's David Cook, which could at least make things more interesting. And he gets a standing O from Smokey. Kara stood up. Kara: One of the best performances of the night. Blah blah blah... Paula: you have that gutted instinct...I love the clean look. Very handsome and classy. You are it! Again, she didn't tag him, so it's not the game, I guess.... Simon: It was THE best performance of the night. You tonight really have emerged, to me, as a star. Randy: You can pull it down and straighten it out... Now it's Danny Gokey. He's gonna sing, "Get Ready." Smokey gave him some advice about not letting the backup singers do the heavy lifting. Which Gokey ignored, apparently. I think Smokey was right, and has what - a bajillion years of experience in arranging and songwriting and Gokey just sang in front of Mariah Carey's guitar player, a song writer and a woman who once danced with a cartoon....but sure, DIY, Gokey. Paula: You undeniable, always reliable...something something week? Weak? Simon: I thought that was clumsy and amatuerish. Randy: It wasn't your best performance, I loved the energy. Kara: blah blah blah danny fan. Allison is gonna sing "Papa Was a Rolling Stone." Dear Allison, Kool-Aid is not a hair color. Did she get dressed in the dark? Or maybe Scott dressed her. "Does this make me look stupid, Scott?" Scott: "No, I don't think you look stupid at all." Really, Allison and Adam are probably the strongest contenders, in my opinion. That child has a set of pipes on her, if she can get away from my personal pet peeve (the Mariah Finger Z in the air), I'll love her. Randy: You're one of the dopest singers in this whole thing this season. Kara: Oh My God. blah blah blah America..singing for 400 years...blah blah blah...you can't teach that! Look at me! Paula now has a mustache, apparently drawn by Simon. "You are awesome...you belong in the competition...." Simon: You are a survivor. That was really one of your best performances you've ever done. Dear lord...did anyone get a screen shot of Kara and Paula looking like a pre-makeout, Skinamax thing going on? And finally, who goes tomorrow? Who's your bottom three? I'm thinking Sarver, Scott and possibly Matt or Lil. Comments are open!

David Cooks Up Idol Win

And I get the first crack at the American Idol punny headline bonanza. David Cook indeedy-did win the whole enchilada, taking it right out of Radio Disney's little hands, 56 percent to 44 percent. And there was a pantload of starness at this show. Cook sang with ZZ Top. Archuleta sang with One Republic. Carrie Underwood was there, singing last name, wearing something that attached both sleeves to this sheer scarf thingie behind her back, much like the yarn string my mom used to fashion to keep my mittens inside my jacket when I was three. Syesha Mercado sang with Seal (meh..). Last year's American Idol winner Jordin Sparks sang something. Everyone sang with Donna Summer. Jason Castro reprised his version of "Hallelujah," and Michael Johns and Carly Smithson inexplicably sang "My Baby Wrote Me a Letter." And Bryan Adams sang something. Brooke White sang with Graham Nash, which is exactly her niche. And Renaldo the Becaped appeared, to sing his original composition, "I Am Your Brother," backed by a marching band, and much to Simon's chagrin. There was some other business with Jack Black, Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jr. with Gladys Knight. And some horrid movie pimping for the new Mike Myers "Love Guru" thing, with a mildly funny line about Archuleta's puberty and um, nether region hair. Oh, and somewhere in there David Cook was in a Guitar Hero commercial in his underwear. It was hot. Archuleta in his skivvies? Chris Hansen-worthy. Then out pops the Top 12 (Jason Castro in a black suit and tie!) to do one final set of numbers ... "Faith," "Father Figure"...."Freedom '98"... "Are they setting up for a George Michael appearance?" I asked my friend Anne. As if on cue, the Jackie-O bespectacled specter of Mr. I Want Your Sex/Formaldehyde Cow appears. I'm just that good. And right after that, the results. Simon admits that he went back and looked at last night's performance, where everyone - including him - declared Archuleta the winner. "Total knockout," I believe, were Mr. Cowell's words. Tonight, Cowell said he reviewed the performances and felt that it was actually much closer than they behaved as if it were, and he apologized to Cook, saying that he felt he was disrespectful to him by fawning all over Small Wonder. And then Cook was named the winner, Archuleta looked kinda relieved, Cook cried, then sang whatever this year's version of "This Is My Now" was. BTW, for those of you looking for Texas connections in this post: Cook was born in Houston, Jason Castro performed several times, and George Michael lives with partner Kenny Goss in Dallas part time. Also, because I didn't really blog live, I give you how I would've liked my live blog to go, if I could've gotten someone equally snotty to blog with me about American Idol. It's a goal of mine before next January.

American Idol Night: Neil Diamond

So my earliest memories of Neil Diamond are my mother's rabid appreciation for the guy - she actually owns everything he's done, on vinyl. Seriously. The sound of his music conjures up the smell of lemon Pledge and Pine-Sol, for this is what she played when she cleaned. It's also the top five. We have David "Radio Disney" Archuleta, Syesha Mercado, Brooke "Can I Get a Mulligan" White, David Cook, and local boy Jason Castro. It's also the first night each contestant will sing two songs. They won't be judged until the end of the second song.

Round One

First: Jason Castro He's singing "Forever in Blue Jeans" first. I'm not sure I like the opening...but he's kind of getting into it. He's also using the band more, which is something they've been asking him to do. Judging from body language, I'm not entirely certain the judges loved it. Either that, or Simon's got gas. Click here for the clip. Second: David Cook I don't think I've ever seen someone rock Neil Diamond....but what's creepy is that he kinda sounds like Neil Diamond. He's singing "I'm Alive." Click here for the clip. Third: Brooke White She's playing the guitar and the piano, respectively. She's starting off with "I'm a Believer." I don't think her voice is big enough to work over this arrangement, though. Maybe if it was just her and the guitar...or if she'd slowed it down? Click here for the clip. Fourth: Radio Disney "Sweet Caroline." Duh. Of course. Don't touch me, David. It's altogether just a big ball of ick. Who the hell is picking out your music, seriously? Is there not SOMETHING in the Diamond songbook that doesn't reek of Geritol this poor 17-year-old boy can sing? I mean, I know there is. Seriously. Click here for the clip. Fifth: Syesha Mercado She's singing "Hello Again." Neil Diamond has a crush on her. He hugged her. This song is pretty, but this rendition is altogether forgettable. Ooh, creepy hands from Nigel Lithgow. We do know that it's gonna be Syesha and Brooke in the bottom two this week, right? Everybody in agreement? Alrighty then. Click here for the clip of Syesha's first song. Randy thought Jason was OK, David C. was OK, Brooke better than last week, Syesha strong, Radio Disney was "the bomb." Paula said she wanted to write it down. She forgot they had to sing twice. "This is hard," she said. And she thinks David C. was fantastic. Simon said they're all "lucky they have two songs." He said David A. was "amateurish."

Round Two

First: Jason Castro Second song is "September Morn," one of "Diamond's more iconic songs. And he's doing a very slow, mellow version of the song, but I can't help but think that maybe he and David C. are just trying to do the best they possibly can so they can go on to next week and get out of the rough. Click here for the clip.

Randy: It was just OK. That was just an OK, whatever performance for me. Paula: You need to get outside your comfort zones. Simon: There was no intent to make the arrangement your own, this is not the Jason we put into this competition.

Second: David Cook He'll be doing "All I Really Need Is You." This is better than the first go 'round, where he sounded as if he was doing a Neil Diamond impression. Do you know how I know it's good? For the first time tonight, I do not smell Pledge. Click here for the clip.

Randy: Yo! You know what man, I'm a huge David Cook fan right now. Paula: David, I'm so proud of you. You were the only one that was able to pull that off. (Seriously. I can understand Paula tonight. Am I on drugs, or is she not?) Simon: David, I thought the first song was OK, I thought the second song was brilliant. You actually made it sound like that song was written first this year.

Third: Brooke White She's singing, "I Am, I Said." She really shouldn't smile during this song. It's about being homesick and stuff, and she's grinning like chimp. Click here for the clip.

Randy: Nice job, baby. Paula: I think what you just did...something something something....(spoke too soon) Simon: I really really hated the first song. This is the Brooke we like. It wasn't incredible, but it was a million times better than the first song.

Fourth: Radio Disney He's singing "America," because it's like hating the tiny infant baby Jesus and clubbing a baby seal to vote against someone who sings about America. Nevermind that if people did what this song is about now, they'd have to be a specialized engineer to get in ollie-ollie oxen free, or they'd have to like, wait on a list. Or you know, climb over a fence late at night and avoid Farmer's Branch, Texas. But I digress. Click here for the clip.

Randy: For a young man, you are definitely in the zone right now. Paula: You're voice is so on point. I love you. (Back up, Radio) Simon: That was a smart choice for a song.

Fifth: Syesha Mercado She's singing "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime." She's doing it all girl bandy, Brill Building style. This is better than the first one, I think. Click here to see.

Randy: You finally realized who you are. That is also in the zone. That's the way I like you. Paula: Something something...first song....second song different song..theatrical.....scallywag? Simon: This is officially the strangest show we've ever done. You are a very good actress/singer. I think, however, you may be in trouble tonight. There's only five of you left. I don't think you had a really memorable second song.

So I do think it will end up being Syesha and Brooke in the bottom two, however, since someone keeps forgiving Brooke for just about anything and Syesha tends to just barely avoid elimination, it's possible that Jason could replace either one of them in the bottom two.

American Idol Night: Andrew Lloyd Webber

Dear sweet tiny infant Jesus Christ Superstar...it's Andrew Lloyd Webber night. *cue cringing* One of my friends once said she liked opera when I said I liked opera. Then she said she loved Phantom of the Opera, and I had to explain that was actually fauxpra, not opera. But I digress. We're down to six, with the ouster of Kristy Lee Cook last week. It'll be interesting to see how David Cook and Jason Castro fare with this the most. Carly Smithson's voice is best suited for the bombastic ALW, but we shall see. I see David Duchovny.... a random Pussycat Doll...Simon looks like he wants to vomit. First: Syesha Mercado Ooh...she's kinda sassing Andrew Lloyd Webber. But now he thinks she could bring the house down. Lessee.....She's really working "One Rock and Roll Too Many," from Starlight Express. But the only problem is, no matter how well she does, people kinda have this hate on for her. She's really cutting loose on this, but will it translate into votes tomorrow?

Randy: This may surprise you, not only is this your element, you could be a huge Broadway star. Paula: something something you're real good at it Simon: Syesha, that was very sexy. I actually agree with Randy. I think this was one of your strongest performances so far. You definitely are more comfortable in this area.

Second: Jason Castro He's the guy I worry about. I mean, if he's not Mariah-esque, he's infinitely not ALW. Andrew is flummoxed by a guy in dreadlocks singing "Memory." I couldn't understand everything ALW said, but I think the crux of it was he expects Jason to screw it up. He's not doing so badly though. But he is kinda out of his element. And the creepy hand swayers are back in the audience. Oh dear..time for judging...

Randy: Uses the words "train wreck." Too much melody for me for you. Paula: Everybody used to hearing it something something female power balladeer, something not who you are, wise to choose it..Joe Cocker.... Whoa..Randy just said Jason was beautiful. Simon: It felt to me - and I'm sure to you too - as the longest two minutes of your life. It's not your style of music.

Third: Brooke White Ouch....ALW says Brooke doesn't have a clue what she's singing about - "You Must Love Me." BTW, ALW is about as good at enunciation as Paula. Ooh....White flubs her line right away and starts over. This is the second performance she's done that - the first time the judges thought it was a lovely show of dedication to the song. Will they still think so today? I think her lower register isn't as strong...and she's sounding a little shrillish.

Randy: There were parts of it were good. At least you listened to ALW. I kinda got that vulnerability from you. Paula: You must never bargain shop. Something something something something. Simon: You were so tense trying to remember the song, your throat began straining in the middle of the song, and it actually became uncomfortable.

Fourth: David Archuleta Radio Disney will probably pick something schmalzty and menopausal and simultaneously thrill the Geritol and Malibu Barbie crowds. I will want to throw a brick through my TV. He will mumble through his intro clip with that beaten pound puppy look, and then go up on that stage and sing with all the personality of someone whose dad lets him drive slow on the driveway every Saturday. He's done a rearrangement of "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera, but it's still more KLUV than KISS-FM.

Randy: You're exactly what this show's about. This boy's the one to beat! Paula: I think it's perfect..something something apostolic. Simon: I thought it was pleasant. One of your weakest performances of the live shows.

Fifth: Carly Smithson She's going to sing "All I Ask Of You," and ALW said it wasn't a good song for her. He convinced her to sing "Jesus Christ Superstar." Which is, of course, the right song for her voice. Let's see, though, if the judges agree.

Randy: It's no surprise to me that the bigger voices are doing better tonight. Paula: I love so much that its so unexpected...love what you did in the chorus. Simon: It got a little bit shouty in the middle...but it was actually one of my favorite performances of the night.

Sixth: David Cook OK - this is either gonna be cool, or awful. Either way, it won't be enough to get him knocked off this week. He says he actually grew up doing musical theater, and he's going to sing "Music of the Night." It was worth it all night just to see Andrew Lloyd Webber say, "I'm a gorgeous 17-year-old girl," mostly because I'm a third grader. It's kinda disturbing to see rocker David doing musical theater....but he's um, kind of not sucking ... so far. Holycrapstick....see, Radio Disney... this is how you pick a song, sing with you eyes open, and sell it.

Randy: If you can really sing, you can sing anything. Dude, that was an amazing performance. Paula: This song just proves.....something well rounded performances. Simon: You made the most of the song you were given.

OK, my predictions for bottom three: Jason Castro, Brook White, and Radio Disney. Yours?

American Idol Night

So I've decided to do this live blogging thing, because I've gotten sucked in to American Idol for the first time in well, ever. I'm ashamed, but I blame Jason Castro, the local boy. It's Mariah Carey night. Lordamercy. First up: David Archuleta. I do not get him. David, I dub thee Radio Disney. He's so, well, Wonder Bread. He's probably a very sweet boy, but I don't see myself buying a David Archuleta CD. Given the fact that a goodly portion of former American Idol winners aren't doing so well chartwise and album sales wise, you'd think someone would recognize he's not all that commercial. He sings "When You Believe." Why do the judges like him?

Randy: You da bomb! Paula: Something something Mariah something something... (for the record, I never understand what Paula says, and this is only an approximation) Simon: I agree. Let me crown you the Christ child.

Second: Carly Smithson. Smithson already had one shot at a record contract. She cries a lot. She's Irish. Can Mariah Carey's pants be tighter, and sluttier? Carly's gonna sing "Without You." It'll either be hot mess or glorious. There's never an in between. Technically, this is a Badfinger-cum-Harry Nilsson song, btw.

Randy: He almost said, "pitchy." Paula: something something something Simon: Could you pull it off like Mariah? I don't think you did.

Third: Syesha Mercado. OK singer, but she thinks she's pretty. Yes, she is, but for some reason, she's off-putting. She also has horrible judgment in songs, and generally picks songs that are so heavily identified with another artist there is no possible way she can do it better, or more originally, i.e. her Dolly Parton week "I Will Always Love You" that started out slow and strong, but devolved into budget Whitney. Commercial break prediction: She attempts "Emotions." Oh, nope - she took what had to be David Archuleta's second choice "I'll Be There," no, wait, my bad - "Vanishing." Is it my fault some Mariah Carey songs sound interchangeable? And here she goes with the Dollar Store Mariah.

Randy: I like that you're bold....you did a good job on it, all things considered. Paula: This week...something something something...brilliant as Mariah..not many people know...something...heard that song....overalls tonight at my house! Simon: Technically, it was very very good indeed.

Commercial break now, and Simon says Radio Disney has stolen the show so far. Fourth: Brooke White. She's a nanny. She's super nice. She's never seen an R rated movie. She doesn't drink. She doesn't swear. She don't rat her hair. She gets ill from one cigarette (cough cough cough). She's singing, "Hero," at the piano. Mariah reveals she wrote the song originally for Gloria Estefan. I still don't like it. And White's version is ehhhh.

Randy: something about the bridge. Paula: Every something something unplugged version something something sucked you beat you up Simon: It was a bit like ordering a hamburger, and only getting the bun.

Ouch. But true. But now they're arguing about meat and condiments. Fifth: Kristy Lee Cook. Dear God in heaven. She generally sucks harder and longer than a gay porn festival. And. Now. She's. Singing. Mariah. Carey. Specifically, she's singing some song I don't recognize. It didn't totally suck. It didn't totally not suck, either.

Randy: You know, I didn't think that was amazing ... but you definitely started stepping up towards the end. Paula: something something the end....step it up...blown away.....something....gift with purchase....younger generations....children are our future...teach them well and give them a taze Simon: You didn't give me chills. You managed with what you could. It was a little bit whiny at times. It wasn't great.

Sixth: David Cook. He's been rocking it all season, aside from last week. He's also the least Mariah Carey-esque of the group. He chose a stripped down version of "Always Be My Baby." Mariah was surprised, but thought it was cool. I'm liking it too. Strings, guitar....pretty cool. Teary-eyed awwwwww factor? His brother, battling brain cancer, is in the audience tonight.

Randy: Yo, dude. I think more than anyone else on this show right now, I think you're the one ready to make an album. Paula: wow...something something..movie soundtrack. You're it! (She didn't run up and tag him, so I'm assuming this is a compliment) Simon: It was like sort of coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air. It was original, it was daring....

Crap. DC is teary-eyed. Now I am, too. Sucker for weeping, non-weepy men, I am.

Seventh (and last): Jason Castro. Local boy from Rockwall, he managed to woo the judges last week with his ukelele-fueled "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," getting some of the highest praise of the night. Also a very un-Mariah guy. Yet Mariah seemed to be digging him. Now he's doing restrained version of "I Don't Wanna Cry," with more of a coffee house vibe that he worked out with Mariah. I actually liked it.

Randy: I didn't really love that. (something about a weird luau) It was weird for me. Paula: Jason, 'k I would love to be at that luau listening all night long (thanks, closed captioning - why didn't I find you sooner? Because it's not as funny, that's why). Simon: I'm going to have to agree with (dramatic pause - ooh! Will it be Paula or Randy?) - Paula. It was a cool version. The guys completely won the night.

What's interesting is that Mariah seemed more mentory than Dolly Parton did. Dolly seemed more cheerleadery, while Mariah took time to work on things with the contestants. I have found myself agreeing with Simon a lot - I don't know if this means I would've in previous seasons, and I'm a cranky British guy with big boobs at heart, or what. Perhaps that's a discussion we should have between now and tomorrow's results show.