David Cooks Up Idol Win

And I get the first crack at the American Idol punny headline bonanza. David Cook indeedy-did win the whole enchilada, taking it right out of Radio Disney's little hands, 56 percent to 44 percent. And there was a pantload of starness at this show. Cook sang with ZZ Top. Archuleta sang with One Republic. Carrie Underwood was there, singing last name, wearing something that attached both sleeves to this sheer scarf thingie behind her back, much like the yarn string my mom used to fashion to keep my mittens inside my jacket when I was three. Syesha Mercado sang with Seal (meh..). Last year's American Idol winner Jordin Sparks sang something. Everyone sang with Donna Summer. Jason Castro reprised his version of "Hallelujah," and Michael Johns and Carly Smithson inexplicably sang "My Baby Wrote Me a Letter." And Bryan Adams sang something. Brooke White sang with Graham Nash, which is exactly her niche. And Renaldo the Becaped appeared, to sing his original composition, "I Am Your Brother," backed by a marching band, and much to Simon's chagrin. There was some other business with Jack Black, Ben Stiller and Robert Downey Jr. with Gladys Knight. And some horrid movie pimping for the new Mike Myers "Love Guru" thing, with a mildly funny line about Archuleta's puberty and um, nether region hair. Oh, and somewhere in there David Cook was in a Guitar Hero commercial in his underwear. It was hot. Archuleta in his skivvies? Chris Hansen-worthy. Then out pops the Top 12 (Jason Castro in a black suit and tie!) to do one final set of numbers ... "Faith," "Father Figure"...."Freedom '98"... "Are they setting up for a George Michael appearance?" I asked my friend Anne. As if on cue, the Jackie-O bespectacled specter of Mr. I Want Your Sex/Formaldehyde Cow appears. I'm just that good. And right after that, the results. Simon admits that he went back and looked at last night's performance, where everyone - including him - declared Archuleta the winner. "Total knockout," I believe, were Mr. Cowell's words. Tonight, Cowell said he reviewed the performances and felt that it was actually much closer than they behaved as if it were, and he apologized to Cook, saying that he felt he was disrespectful to him by fawning all over Small Wonder. And then Cook was named the winner, Archuleta looked kinda relieved, Cook cried, then sang whatever this year's version of "This Is My Now" was. BTW, for those of you looking for Texas connections in this post: Cook was born in Houston, Jason Castro performed several times, and George Michael lives with partner Kenny Goss in Dallas part time. Also, because I didn't really blog live, I give you how I would've liked my live blog to go, if I could've gotten someone equally snotty to blog with me about American Idol. It's a goal of mine before next January.

American Idol Night: Neil Diamond

So my earliest memories of Neil Diamond are my mother's rabid appreciation for the guy - she actually owns everything he's done, on vinyl. Seriously. The sound of his music conjures up the smell of lemon Pledge and Pine-Sol, for this is what she played when she cleaned. It's also the top five. We have David "Radio Disney" Archuleta, Syesha Mercado, Brooke "Can I Get a Mulligan" White, David Cook, and local boy Jason Castro. It's also the first night each contestant will sing two songs. They won't be judged until the end of the second song.

Round One

First: Jason Castro He's singing "Forever in Blue Jeans" first. I'm not sure I like the opening...but he's kind of getting into it. He's also using the band more, which is something they've been asking him to do. Judging from body language, I'm not entirely certain the judges loved it. Either that, or Simon's got gas. Click here for the clip. Second: David Cook I don't think I've ever seen someone rock Neil Diamond....but what's creepy is that he kinda sounds like Neil Diamond. He's singing "I'm Alive." Click here for the clip. Third: Brooke White She's playing the guitar and the piano, respectively. She's starting off with "I'm a Believer." I don't think her voice is big enough to work over this arrangement, though. Maybe if it was just her and the guitar...or if she'd slowed it down? Click here for the clip. Fourth: Radio Disney "Sweet Caroline." Duh. Of course. Don't touch me, David. It's altogether just a big ball of ick. Who the hell is picking out your music, seriously? Is there not SOMETHING in the Diamond songbook that doesn't reek of Geritol this poor 17-year-old boy can sing? I mean, I know there is. Seriously. Click here for the clip. Fifth: Syesha Mercado She's singing "Hello Again." Neil Diamond has a crush on her. He hugged her. This song is pretty, but this rendition is altogether forgettable. Ooh, creepy hands from Nigel Lithgow. We do know that it's gonna be Syesha and Brooke in the bottom two this week, right? Everybody in agreement? Alrighty then. Click here for the clip of Syesha's first song. Randy thought Jason was OK, David C. was OK, Brooke better than last week, Syesha strong, Radio Disney was "the bomb." Paula said she wanted to write it down. She forgot they had to sing twice. "This is hard," she said. And she thinks David C. was fantastic. Simon said they're all "lucky they have two songs." He said David A. was "amateurish."

Round Two

First: Jason Castro Second song is "September Morn," one of "Diamond's more iconic songs. And he's doing a very slow, mellow version of the song, but I can't help but think that maybe he and David C. are just trying to do the best they possibly can so they can go on to next week and get out of the rough. Click here for the clip.

Randy: It was just OK. That was just an OK, whatever performance for me. Paula: You need to get outside your comfort zones. Simon: There was no intent to make the arrangement your own, this is not the Jason we put into this competition.

Second: David Cook He'll be doing "All I Really Need Is You." This is better than the first go 'round, where he sounded as if he was doing a Neil Diamond impression. Do you know how I know it's good? For the first time tonight, I do not smell Pledge. Click here for the clip.

Randy: Yo! You know what man, I'm a huge David Cook fan right now. Paula: David, I'm so proud of you. You were the only one that was able to pull that off. (Seriously. I can understand Paula tonight. Am I on drugs, or is she not?) Simon: David, I thought the first song was OK, I thought the second song was brilliant. You actually made it sound like that song was written first this year.

Third: Brooke White She's singing, "I Am, I Said." She really shouldn't smile during this song. It's about being homesick and stuff, and she's grinning like chimp. Click here for the clip.

Randy: Nice job, baby. Paula: I think what you just did...something something something....(spoke too soon) Simon: I really really hated the first song. This is the Brooke we like. It wasn't incredible, but it was a million times better than the first song.

Fourth: Radio Disney He's singing "America," because it's like hating the tiny infant baby Jesus and clubbing a baby seal to vote against someone who sings about America. Nevermind that if people did what this song is about now, they'd have to be a specialized engineer to get in ollie-ollie oxen free, or they'd have to like, wait on a list. Or you know, climb over a fence late at night and avoid Farmer's Branch, Texas. But I digress. Click here for the clip.

Randy: For a young man, you are definitely in the zone right now. Paula: You're voice is so on point. I love you. (Back up, Radio) Simon: That was a smart choice for a song.

Fifth: Syesha Mercado She's singing "Thank the Lord for the Nighttime." She's doing it all girl bandy, Brill Building style. This is better than the first one, I think. Click here to see.

Randy: You finally realized who you are. That is also in the zone. That's the way I like you. Paula: Something something...first song....second song different song..theatrical.....scallywag? Simon: This is officially the strangest show we've ever done. You are a very good actress/singer. I think, however, you may be in trouble tonight. There's only five of you left. I don't think you had a really memorable second song.

So I do think it will end up being Syesha and Brooke in the bottom two, however, since someone keeps forgiving Brooke for just about anything and Syesha tends to just barely avoid elimination, it's possible that Jason could replace either one of them in the bottom two.

American Idol Night: Andrew Lloyd Webber

Dear sweet tiny infant Jesus Christ Superstar...it's Andrew Lloyd Webber night. *cue cringing* One of my friends once said she liked opera when I said I liked opera. Then she said she loved Phantom of the Opera, and I had to explain that was actually fauxpra, not opera. But I digress. We're down to six, with the ouster of Kristy Lee Cook last week. It'll be interesting to see how David Cook and Jason Castro fare with this the most. Carly Smithson's voice is best suited for the bombastic ALW, but we shall see. I see David Duchovny.... a random Pussycat Doll...Simon looks like he wants to vomit. First: Syesha Mercado Ooh...she's kinda sassing Andrew Lloyd Webber. But now he thinks she could bring the house down. Lessee.....She's really working "One Rock and Roll Too Many," from Starlight Express. But the only problem is, no matter how well she does, people kinda have this hate on for her. She's really cutting loose on this, but will it translate into votes tomorrow?

Randy: This may surprise you, not only is this your element, you could be a huge Broadway star. Paula: something something you're real good at it Simon: Syesha, that was very sexy. I actually agree with Randy. I think this was one of your strongest performances so far. You definitely are more comfortable in this area.

Second: Jason Castro He's the guy I worry about. I mean, if he's not Mariah-esque, he's infinitely not ALW. Andrew is flummoxed by a guy in dreadlocks singing "Memory." I couldn't understand everything ALW said, but I think the crux of it was he expects Jason to screw it up. He's not doing so badly though. But he is kinda out of his element. And the creepy hand swayers are back in the audience. Oh dear..time for judging...

Randy: Uses the words "train wreck." Too much melody for me for you. Paula: Everybody used to hearing it something something female power balladeer, something not who you are, wise to choose it..Joe Cocker.... Whoa..Randy just said Jason was beautiful. Simon: It felt to me - and I'm sure to you too - as the longest two minutes of your life. It's not your style of music.

Third: Brooke White Ouch....ALW says Brooke doesn't have a clue what she's singing about - "You Must Love Me." BTW, ALW is about as good at enunciation as Paula. Ooh....White flubs her line right away and starts over. This is the second performance she's done that - the first time the judges thought it was a lovely show of dedication to the song. Will they still think so today? I think her lower register isn't as strong...and she's sounding a little shrillish.

Randy: There were parts of it were good. At least you listened to ALW. I kinda got that vulnerability from you. Paula: You must never bargain shop. Something something something something. Simon: You were so tense trying to remember the song, your throat began straining in the middle of the song, and it actually became uncomfortable.

Fourth: David Archuleta Radio Disney will probably pick something schmalzty and menopausal and simultaneously thrill the Geritol and Malibu Barbie crowds. I will want to throw a brick through my TV. He will mumble through his intro clip with that beaten pound puppy look, and then go up on that stage and sing with all the personality of someone whose dad lets him drive slow on the driveway every Saturday. He's done a rearrangement of "Think of Me" from Phantom of the Opera, but it's still more KLUV than KISS-FM.

Randy: You're exactly what this show's about. This boy's the one to beat! Paula: I think it's perfect..something something apostolic. Simon: I thought it was pleasant. One of your weakest performances of the live shows.

Fifth: Carly Smithson She's going to sing "All I Ask Of You," and ALW said it wasn't a good song for her. He convinced her to sing "Jesus Christ Superstar." Which is, of course, the right song for her voice. Let's see, though, if the judges agree.

Randy: It's no surprise to me that the bigger voices are doing better tonight. Paula: I love so much that its so unexpected...love what you did in the chorus. Simon: It got a little bit shouty in the middle...but it was actually one of my favorite performances of the night.

Sixth: David Cook OK - this is either gonna be cool, or awful. Either way, it won't be enough to get him knocked off this week. He says he actually grew up doing musical theater, and he's going to sing "Music of the Night." It was worth it all night just to see Andrew Lloyd Webber say, "I'm a gorgeous 17-year-old girl," mostly because I'm a third grader. It's kinda disturbing to see rocker David doing musical theater....but he's um, kind of not sucking ... so far. Holycrapstick....see, Radio Disney... this is how you pick a song, sing with you eyes open, and sell it.

Randy: If you can really sing, you can sing anything. Dude, that was an amazing performance. Paula: This song just proves.....something well rounded performances. Simon: You made the most of the song you were given.

OK, my predictions for bottom three: Jason Castro, Brook White, and Radio Disney. Yours?

American Idol Night

So I've decided to do this live blogging thing, because I've gotten sucked in to American Idol for the first time in well, ever. I'm ashamed, but I blame Jason Castro, the local boy. It's Mariah Carey night. Lordamercy. First up: David Archuleta. I do not get him. David, I dub thee Radio Disney. He's so, well, Wonder Bread. He's probably a very sweet boy, but I don't see myself buying a David Archuleta CD. Given the fact that a goodly portion of former American Idol winners aren't doing so well chartwise and album sales wise, you'd think someone would recognize he's not all that commercial. He sings "When You Believe." Why do the judges like him?

Randy: You da bomb! Paula: Something something Mariah something something... (for the record, I never understand what Paula says, and this is only an approximation) Simon: I agree. Let me crown you the Christ child.

Second: Carly Smithson. Smithson already had one shot at a record contract. She cries a lot. She's Irish. Can Mariah Carey's pants be tighter, and sluttier? Carly's gonna sing "Without You." It'll either be hot mess or glorious. There's never an in between. Technically, this is a Badfinger-cum-Harry Nilsson song, btw.

Randy: He almost said, "pitchy." Paula: something something something Simon: Could you pull it off like Mariah? I don't think you did.

Third: Syesha Mercado. OK singer, but she thinks she's pretty. Yes, she is, but for some reason, she's off-putting. She also has horrible judgment in songs, and generally picks songs that are so heavily identified with another artist there is no possible way she can do it better, or more originally, i.e. her Dolly Parton week "I Will Always Love You" that started out slow and strong, but devolved into budget Whitney. Commercial break prediction: She attempts "Emotions." Oh, nope - she took what had to be David Archuleta's second choice "I'll Be There," no, wait, my bad - "Vanishing." Is it my fault some Mariah Carey songs sound interchangeable? And here she goes with the Dollar Store Mariah.

Randy: I like that you're bold....you did a good job on it, all things considered. Paula: This week...something something something...brilliant as Mariah..not many people know...something...heard that song....overalls tonight at my house! Simon: Technically, it was very very good indeed.

Commercial break now, and Simon says Radio Disney has stolen the show so far. Fourth: Brooke White. She's a nanny. She's super nice. She's never seen an R rated movie. She doesn't drink. She doesn't swear. She don't rat her hair. She gets ill from one cigarette (cough cough cough). She's singing, "Hero," at the piano. Mariah reveals she wrote the song originally for Gloria Estefan. I still don't like it. And White's version is ehhhh.

Randy: something about the bridge. Paula: Every something something unplugged version something something sucked you beat you up Simon: It was a bit like ordering a hamburger, and only getting the bun.

Ouch. But true. But now they're arguing about meat and condiments. Fifth: Kristy Lee Cook. Dear God in heaven. She generally sucks harder and longer than a gay porn festival. And. Now. She's. Singing. Mariah. Carey. Specifically, she's singing some song I don't recognize. It didn't totally suck. It didn't totally not suck, either.

Randy: You know, I didn't think that was amazing ... but you definitely started stepping up towards the end. Paula: something something the end....step it up...blown away.....something....gift with purchase....younger generations....children are our future...teach them well and give them a taze Simon: You didn't give me chills. You managed with what you could. It was a little bit whiny at times. It wasn't great.

Sixth: David Cook. He's been rocking it all season, aside from last week. He's also the least Mariah Carey-esque of the group. He chose a stripped down version of "Always Be My Baby." Mariah was surprised, but thought it was cool. I'm liking it too. Strings, guitar....pretty cool. Teary-eyed awwwwww factor? His brother, battling brain cancer, is in the audience tonight.

Randy: Yo, dude. I think more than anyone else on this show right now, I think you're the one ready to make an album. Paula: wow...something something..movie soundtrack. You're it! (She didn't run up and tag him, so I'm assuming this is a compliment) Simon: It was like sort of coming out of karaoke hell into a breath of fresh air. It was original, it was daring....

Crap. DC is teary-eyed. Now I am, too. Sucker for weeping, non-weepy men, I am.

Seventh (and last): Jason Castro. Local boy from Rockwall, he managed to woo the judges last week with his ukelele-fueled "Somewhere Over the Rainbow," getting some of the highest praise of the night. Also a very un-Mariah guy. Yet Mariah seemed to be digging him. Now he's doing restrained version of "I Don't Wanna Cry," with more of a coffee house vibe that he worked out with Mariah. I actually liked it.

Randy: I didn't really love that. (something about a weird luau) It was weird for me. Paula: Jason, 'k I would love to be at that luau listening all night long (thanks, closed captioning - why didn't I find you sooner? Because it's not as funny, that's why). Simon: I'm going to have to agree with (dramatic pause - ooh! Will it be Paula or Randy?) - Paula. It was a cool version. The guys completely won the night.

What's interesting is that Mariah seemed more mentory than Dolly Parton did. Dolly seemed more cheerleadery, while Mariah took time to work on things with the contestants. I have found myself agreeing with Simon a lot - I don't know if this means I would've in previous seasons, and I'm a cranky British guy with big boobs at heart, or what. Perhaps that's a discussion we should have between now and tomorrow's results show.

Random Thoughts In My Head

• Am I the only one that expects Jason Kidd's voice to be deeper, and less like a Muppet's?

• Am I the only one that really just wants to e-mail this guy and ask (among many, many, other open-ended questions) how that's working out for him?

• Really, in the absence of being able to have sex with Sam Seaborn, who wouldn't want to have sex on Sam Seaborn's sheets?

• And furthermore, how awesome and Harry Potterianesqueish is the phrase "false terribles?"

• Am I wrong in imagining Rockwall's Jason Castro kind of wandering around aimlessly backstage at American Idol, people frantically looking for him, and then finding him and just basically tossing him on stage? Because seriously, he always just looks really surprised to be on stage, like he meant to turn left and go to the can, and ended up in the middle of a soundstage in Los Angeles in front of a crapton of people. (If so, don't worry, JC. I have that dream frequently. Only I'm wearing cleats, a tutu, knee pads and dancing with Donald Rumsfeld.)