Live Blogging the Cowboys, the WTF I want to die edition

I would've started sooner, but I stood here speaking loudly in fluent longshoreman before I realized you people couldn't hear me. So I shall use my words. Whisky Tango Foxtrot? An Arizona TD in the first 15 minutes? Then we fumble, then they fumble, then we fumble, and now we're second and 10 with about 5 in the first quarter. And I want to die. Or kill. I can't decide. Oh the agony, the humanity. Third and six and a pass to Witten goes clean off his hands. I want to die, did I mention that? Pop Warner over there can at least manage to connect with someone, while Romo can only complete granny tosses to Barber. Hamlin intercepts the ball after Pops is sacked. Don't be sad, Grandpa, I'm sure will turn it over to your team again in short freakin order. Witten catches shy of the first down. Second and 1, Felix Jones gets to the 33 and also gets the first down. First and 10, Romo connects with Crayton for a gain. Another Jones carry gets them just shy of the first down again. Romo overthrows a bomb to Crayton, and we're freakin 4th down again. Hi, we're within falling distance of another first down, and you don't do it? WTF? Flag on Arizona, Cardinals 1st down and 20 on their own 10. Another five yard penalty against the Cardinals for an ineligible receiver. The announcers have pretty much said the Cardinals offense sucks more than the worst sucking thing you can think of. And then Adam "Don't Call Me Pacman" Jones brings down the receiver. Wait - do we have a player with a mullet? Anyway second quarter, 'boys have the ball, and I'm starting to think about what I'll do with my time at the half and after - watch the game? Curl up in the closet in a fetal position and suck my thumb? Engage in retail therapy? First catch by Barber, gain of like, 9. Pam Oliver says players are laughing about the amount of turnovers. I punch things. Barber gets the first down. Move a little but not enough for a first down on the next one, and then Barber picks up another three yards on the next play, for 3rd and 1. Felix Jones runs for 15 yards. Flag on the play is against the 'boys for a stupid illegal formation, and they're back to third and 6. Barber runs to pick up 12 yards. First and 10, handoff to Barber gets maybe a yard and a half. Another connection with Barber gets a little bit of traction, but not enough for a first down. Then Tony Romo throws a ball to a Cardinal receiver for giggles, and then Crayton makes the guy drop it. Because if anyone knows how to drop a ball, it's Crayton. Hmmm...wise use of advertising dollars? Barack Obama ad during Sunday football. I say savvy. OK, Dallas ball, first and 10 on the 9 yard line. Barber carries for no gain at all. Mother effing eff eff eff - Freakin fumble and Cardinals score a touchdown. I want to die. Wade Phillips is challenging it. I don't see much point in that. Romo was clearly sacked, and clearly fumbled the ball. IN THE END ZONE. Did I mention I want to die? Somehow, they decide that it's a third down now. Apparently Romo was bringing his arm back to throw, and that counts. Romo throws to Crayton for 24 yards for a first down. Second and 11, Romo hands off to Barber, who gets to the 39. Dallas gets a holding penalty - Columbo, I will punch you. Barber picked up 19 yards for 3rd and 2, Romo flips it to Barber who gets the first down. BTW, I still don't get that Fox Sports Robot Transformer thing. What is the point?? First and 10 Dallas, Romo to Crayton, who runs it in 55 yards for a TD. THANK. GOD. Cowboys 7, Cardinals 7 Fumble during the kick return, they're pulling bodies off the pile to determine ownership. Cowboys recover it. A minute and a half to go in the half, and plenty of time to score again. Maybe. You know, unless we drop it in front of a Cardinal again. Tony Romo got hit as he threw to Miles Austin in the end zone. Second and 10, TO catches. Third and 1, 26 seconds left in the game, barely misses TO. Fourth down, and the field goal team will come out. Nick Folk for 36, and misses as it hits the uprights. No good. Score is still tied. So for the second half, Romo needs to quit throwing the ball to the other team, and dropping the ball in front of them. The defense needs to stop kick returners before they make it to the end zone. Second half, Romo connects with TO for a first down. First and 10, Barber gets the ball with barely any gain. A carry for a gain, then first down and Romo throws to Barber, who is hit from behind and loses the ball, but the Cowboys recover it. First and 10, and a connection with TO gets the Cowboys inside the 30. Third and inches (that's what she said!) and Barber gets the first down after tunneling through the Arizona line. But then Witten makes a false start, and we get a five yard penalty, still third down. Thanks! Witten redeems himself by catching the Romo throw for a 10-yard gain and the first down. A hand off to Barber is another gain. Throw to Bennett is freakin' dropped. He was wide open. All alone in the field. If this was high school and the field was the cafeteria, Martellus Bennett was the smelly kid with warts on his hands. THAT'S how alone he was on the field. Throw to Austin in the end zone is caught for (duh) a TD. False start on the extra point, Dallas will retry five yards back. Second try is good - and it's Dallas 14, Cardinals 7. Second and 12 for Arizona, and their running game kinda bites. Pops got sacked, and the ball nearly got intercepted by Dallas. Third and 12, false start on Levi Brown. What's interesting is NOBODY is protecting Grandpa. But the Cardinals manage to keep it together enough for an apparent TD. Wade is challenging the ruling because the left foot of Fitzgerald may have been out of bounds. The officials agree, and the Cardinals go for third and one. Hightower tried to run it in, is three yards shy. Warner throws the ball to Fitzgerald on first and goal, and manages a TD. Dallas 14, Arizona 14 So Barber gets us close to another first down, then a toss to TO gets us the next first down. First and 10 on the Cardinal's 30, Romo is sacked and the pass is incomplete. Second and 10, Barber carries for no gain. Felix Jones injured his left hamstring, too, btw. Dear merciful baby Jesus, the ball pops off Romo and while Romo tries to recover, the Cardinals very nearly recover it. Cowboys are forced to punt. Warner lobs a bomb for a massive first down, and then the third quarter ends, still all tied up. Ugh. Then Fitzgerald catches another bomb. Henry needs to work on his vertical jump, IJS. Second and inches, and a handoff gains them a first down and plenty. Did the Cowboy's defense think the Cardinals offense would remain atrocious through the entire game? Warner bomb to the end zone is good, TD Arizona. I hate them. I may vomit my gouda. Arizona 21, Dallas 14. Cowboys get a halfway decent punt return, but the queasiness lingers. I think I have an aneurysm. The thought of a fast slide into mediocrity or worse - into the Kansas City Chiefs - makes my heart hurt. Why, why aren't you dominating? Why are you dropping the ball and throwing it to other people. Why? First and 10 at the 33, Romo completes to Barber to the line of scrimmage. Great! Question: What is with the lusterous, flowing locks on NFL players? I'd like to know what product Cardinals 55 is using. Third and 12, and we can't complete a pass if the fate of the nation depended on it. A toss to Barber doesn't give enough yardage, so we're gonna let Arizona try again. And then we made an illegal block during the kick, so we're also going to gift wrap 'em an extra 10 yards. Swell! Cardinals get a couple of yards on the first throw. Second and 7, Hightower catches short of the first down. Third and 2, flag on the play - false start Arizona. Third and 7, Warner hurl to Fitzgerald is good to get the Cardinals into Cowboys territory. First and 10, handoff to Hightower picks up 6 - STRAIGHT THROUGH THE MIDDLE. What? Seriously, what? Second and 3, Warner to Fitzgerald for 12 yards and another first down. Hightower doesn't gain much past the line of scrimmage. Second and 8, up the middle picks up three yards. Third and 5, incomplete pass. Field goal team comes on, and Ratliff looks injured. Dallas 24, Dallas 14 First and 10 at the 45, 2:23 in the fourth. Flozell Adams gets a holding call. Thanks, Flo. Can I call ya Flo? 1st and 20, Romo hurls it and misses Miles Austin. Second and 20, Cardinals get an encroachment call. Second and 15, Romo to Barber, who runs it all the way (70 yards) for a TD. But there's a flag. Unsportsmanlike conduct on the offense. TD is still good, the penalty will be assessed at kickoff. Arizona 24, Dallas 21. I completely spaced during the Arizona possession. Now the Cowboys have the ball, first down, and Flozell Adams wrangles us a super awesome holding call. First and 20, 46 seconds left, Marion Barber goes out of bounds after picking up four to stop the clock. Second and 16, 38 seconds left, Romo pass tipped away, and was intended for Creighton. Third down and 16, and the best we can hope for at this point is a gain some yards and let Folk try a field goal. A pass to Witten gains 8 yards. Offsides penalty on the defense for five yards. So third and 11, still a little far for a FG, Romo hurls it to Witten to get Dallas closer to the goal. The clock got stopped, and the FG team comes out. But now there's something about a Cardinal with an owie before Romo threw which would mean it doesn't count and Folk would have to kick a 57-yard field goal. My guts hurt. So they have to try again. And they got a whole second extra and the first down. I want to puke. First and 5 on the 35, and Folk's gotta try a 52-yard FG. His career long is 53. I want to spew. Now they're going to go review it again. What the hell? They're gonna make sure the guy has an owie. The ruling stands. The kick was blocked, and the Cardinals called a time out. I'm going to evacuate my bowels. Nick Folk's kick is good. Score 24 all. We go into overtime. Holy Poobiscuits. PLEASEWINTHECOINTOSSPLEASEPLEASEPLEASEPLEASE. Thank God. Miles Austin gets a 23-yard kick return. Please score, Tony Romo, and I'll say your girlfriend sings pretty and most certainly did not sound like a bag of wet kittens when she did the National Anthem yesterday at that Nascar thing. OK, nice fumble recovery. But you know what's nicer? NOT FUMBLING. Romo tosses short to TO, and is really slow getting up. Oooh...ya'll broke Jessica's boyfriend..... Third and 18, long to TO, but way over his head. Fourth, and Cardinals get the ball. PLEASEDON'TSCORE. Crap. Blocked punt, recovered by Cardinals and run into the end zone. Final: Cardinals 30, Dallas 24. I'm going to go drink now.

Live Blogging the Cowboys, the Ocho Whatevah Edition

I have my drink, my snack, and I've peed. I'm ready. So ready. Are you ready? I say we forcibly make Ocho kiss the star, since he wanted to so badly. That's what I say. So this first drive is going swimmingly, I say. Third and 5, would've been freaking nice if Bennett could've caught it in the end zone, though. So we go for a field goal off of this interception we just happened to take because we're awesome. Dallas 3, Cincinnati 0. BTW, this is the first interception by a Dallas linebacker in 22 games. Bengals possession gets a flag. I'm not bothering with a nickname for the QB, because I Don't Care. Oh wait, I guess that is his nickname - only I don't care to type that, so he will be known as IDC. Second and 10 Bengals, and the IDC's pass is batted down. Next pass? Nine yard gain, but Dallas almost picks it off. Yay Not Pacman! Cincinnati will punt. It was the most womanly punt in the history of punts, quite possibly. I'll need to look and see if Gramatica ever topped it. Dallas possession, ball on the 25. Barber carries, forced out after a gain of maybe three yards? The CBS analysts just said he was like Earl Campbell. Cowboys are third and 4 at the 30ish, Witten catches for a gain of five. First and 10, Romo throw to Felix Jones, who is forced out of bounds short of the first down. Second down on a Barber carry is also just shy of the first quarter. Third and 1, Barber carry gets the ball to just past the 40ish, with TO blocking in front of him. First and 10, throw is over the head of the intended receiver. Second and 10, flag on Dallas for a false start. Question: How much do you have to suck if you lose to the 49ers? Third and 13, Romo connects with TO, who nearly drops the ball around the 30 but recovers. Nice shot of Ocho mouth breathing. Felix Jones skips into the end zone for the first TD of the afternoon. Dallas 10, What was that Ocho? 0 Kick return gets the Bengals starting around the 20. Second carry gets the Bengals the first down. Question: Is your game extra-boring if they start cutting away to the Patriots-49ers? Heh...even the announcers won't call Ocho anything but Chad Johnson. His jersey says C. Johnson. This gives me joy normally reserved for finding Kate Spade on sale. I love you, CBS Sports. What happens if he gets traded to another team, and 85 is already taken? Chris Henry can't count. This gives the Bengals a penalty for too many men on the field. IDC overthrows across the middle. Third and 18, and IDC completely misses Ocho because Not Pacman was covering him. Cincy punts it, Dallas starts at their 3. Dallas 10, Bengals STILL ZERO, OCHO. Back from commercial, and a ginormous error gives a touchback that allows Dallas to start at the 20. Ha! Barber has the first carry, with Witten and Owens blocking, and gets to the 35-ish. Stupid penalty and Dallas moseys back. Second and 11, Romo throws to Witten, who is brought down at the 35. Owens possession picks up significant yardage. Second and 2, Felix Jones carry gets the 'boys a first down. Jones carry gets some yardage, Second and feet, Jones runs another six or seven yards down the field for a first down. First and goal, handoff to Anderson gets them to the four. Barber carry powers through, but gets them to the two. Dallas has 110 rushing yards to Cincy's 5 this half so far. Third and goal, Romo fires it to Witten, who was chillin' in the end zone. Score: Dallas 17, Pucker Up 0. Oh, right, Cincy has the ball again. (Yawn) Third and one, Cincy manages a first down. And then another one. Cedric Benson is looking like a good signing for Cinc, btw. IDC hands off for a gain of maybe two. Second and seven, IDC hands it to Benson, and barely gains a yard. Third and 6, IDC throws to Utecht, near the one, but there is some conversation about if he was in bounds. Looks like Wade challenged the play. CBS replay looks like one foot in, one foot out. It is ruled an incomplete pass, which means the Bengals will go for the field goal. Score: Dallas 17, Cincy 3 Jones takes a knee, Dallas will start on the 20. Holy crap on french toast, the Giants were winning 44 to like, negative 15 over the Seahawks. Third and 8, Romo connects to Witten for a first down. But there's a stupid flag. Personal foul on Gurode. Dallas has first and 10, Romo hands off to Jones for a minimal gain. Another flag, holding on Cincy, automatic first down for Dallas. Second and 1, Romo to Witten, who was out at the catch. Third and 1, Barber carry short of the first. McBriar will kick, god help us. Cincy will start at the 20. IDC's pass deflected and almost caught by Dallas. Second and 10, next pass incomplete. Connects with Chatman, and gets the first down. First and 10, Henry run out of bounds and no gain. Second and 10, five yard gain. Third and four, IDC throws it away. Not Pacman ably handles the put return, getting Dallas to the 28. Barber carry goes out of bounds for little yardage. Second and 8, handoff to Barber picks up six yards. Crap. Lost fumble. Thanks ToRo. Barber got called for holding. However, the play is now up for review, because Romo may have been down before the ball was stripped from him. If not, the Bengals will have possession. Bengals will start at the Dallas 29, with 1:42 left in the half. Chatman catches IDC's pass, just short of the first down. Second and 1, IDC to Utecht, first down. Romo looks aggravated. Or constipated, or both. First and 10, Perry runs for a TD, but there's a flag. Holding on Cincy, repeat first down. Chatman catch, brought down by Not Pacman. Bengals time out, 50 seconds left in the half. IDC's next throw batted away by Not Pacman. Then IDC overthrows to Perry. Bengals kick a field goal. Score: Dallas 17, Bengals 6. So at the half, I think the Cowboys need to keep the Bengals off kilter. They almost had their act together with that last run, which could bode ill, especially if Romo drops the ball again. Plus, someone stuffing Ocho right at the star would make me giggle. Start of the third quarter, Dallas ball, third and 13 shy of the Bengals 30. Witten catch gets just short of first, so ball turned over on downs at 4th and 5. McBriar kicks and Cincy recovers around 25. Cincy, as I feared, has come out a somewhat different team. The Cowboys, well, Romo's sitting on the bench with his head farking down. Ocho finally catches something for a first down for Cincy. Zach Thomas very nearly took it, though. A Perry carry gets the Bengals two. Romo needs to quit pouting over there. Perry almost catches for a TD. Second go at a TD is good - Cincy TD. Score: Dallas 17, Cincinnati 13. A Miles Austin kick return means Dallas will start at the 24. It's now third and 5, and the Cowboys are starting to show signs of falling apart. Hopefully, this just completed pass to Witten for a first down will turn things around. Second throw is lousy, but Crayton could've caught it. Patrick Crayton = football repellent. Second and 10, handoff to Barber picks up maybe two yards. Yet another run, and no traction. McBriar will punt, and the Bengals will start at their own 7. Someone - and it's not the Bengals - needs a gut check. Romo's getting frustrated, and instead of collecting himself during his bench time, he's stewing in it - you can just tell. Direct contrast? Peyton Manning just a couple of hours ago. Behind pretty much the entire game, he did get frustrated - you could tell - but instead of sitting over there on the bench stewing, he was up, and engaged in the game. Can you convince anyone you really want to win when you sit and sulk instead of cheering on the defense? I'm just wondering. Bengals false start costs them some yardage on the first play. First and 14, Benson makes it to the line of scrimmage before Zach Thomas stops him. Second and 13, Ratliff makes a huge stop, third and 13 for the Bengals. IDC throw gets them to the 9, but no first down, so Cincy gives it back to Dallas, who will start around the 50 yard line. Ball pops out of Barber's hands, but Dallas recovers, thank God. Felix Jones scrambles and hops for just about a yard shy of the first down. Third and 1, Barber gets the first down. First and 10, Romo thorow intercepted by Cincy, before being brought down near the 40, because Romo overthrows the ball. Cincy has first and 10 around the 50, IDC connects with Ocho for the first down as the clock winds down on the third quarter. No gain on the first throw to Chatman. Second throw incomplete. Third and 10, IDC throw is broken up, and the field goal team will make a 40-yard try that is good. Score: Dallas 17, Cincy 16 Crap - offside kick, and they're peeling people off the ball. Cincy recovered it, so Cincy gets the ball. I am contemplating kicking something, but then realize that would make me more fired up about this than ToRo is. Bengals first and 10, first throw gets them a little yardage. Second and four, IDC connects with Ocho for the first down. Perry fumbles. Cowboys recover, and then jump around and act all happy, and then realize the offense has to come out now. First and 10 at the 40, handoff nets very little yardage. Second and 8, long bomb to TO brings in a TD. Thank God. Maybe I should start the live blog with a rant, and then the Cowboys can work from there. My fault. I should've ranted sooner. Score: Dallas 24, Cincy 16 Holt ran for a giant punt return, but may have gotten a concussion for his troubles. Bengals start on the Dallas 37, but the first pass only gets them maybe one yard. Second and 7, IDC connects with some other guy, first down. First and 10, a handoff to Benson gets just over the line of scrimmage. Next throw connects for a first down, one after that, no gain. Perry picks up three yards. Third and 7 at the 10, IDC connects for a TD. I smell a two point conversion attempt to tie the game. Utecht's catch is batted away. Score: Dallas 24, Cincy 22 Jones recovers to the 20 yard line, flag called on offense for holding. Five yard penalty. First carry, Barber barrels through for a few yards. Second and 8, Romo throws to Barber for 5. Third and 3, Romo runs it himself for four yards and the first down. Jones picks up yards just shy of the first down. Felix Jones has it, and is off and running for about 18, flag on Cincy for a facemask gives Dallas another 15. First and 10 at the 30ish, a handoff to Barber gets Dallas to about the 25. First and 10 after a throw to Witten. First and 10 at the 15ish, 2 and change left in the game. To tosses to Barber, who makes it to the line of scrimmage. Second and 10, Romo runs it for a loss of a yard. Third and 11, 1:59 left in the game. Romo's throw under pressure was meant for Austin, but is caught by Crayton. No matter - it's a TD just the same. Score: Dallas 31, Bengals 22 First and 10 at the 25ish, and IDC totally misses Utecht. Nearly beans him plumb on the noggin. Thats why you're IDC. Demarcus Ware sacks IDC. Bengals 3rd and 13, flag on the play, Dallas had someone in the neutral zone. Penalty declined, first and 10 for the Bengals. IDC tosses it to Perry, who is run out of bounds. Second and 8, IDC is sacked again - this time by Ratliff. Third and 14, 33 seconds left in the game. IDC connects with Perry, who is forced out of bounds and into the Dallas equipment thingie. Fourth and 9, IDC completely misses anyone, and Dallas takes over on downs with 18 seconds left in the game. Score: Dallas 31-Cincy 22

Chinese Food for the Cowboy Fan's Soul ...

Waiting for kickoff with John "I Swear My Video Game Does Not Jinx and Lead to the Dismemberment of NFL Players" Madden. For expediency, we'll just call him Madden. Aaron Rodgers, by the by, will be known as Fauxvre throughout this blog. Mark it in your programs accordingly. Andrea Kremer talks to Tony Romo. Romo gives the standard, "Throw a lot at us, great test, lot of fun, I'm doing Jessica Simpson, blah blah blah." Nick Folk kicks, Green Bay returns to the 24 yard line. I've decided, by the way, that any opposing team kick return where we only allow them to around the 20 yard line is OK, since that's about what they'd get if they'd taken a knee in the end zone. Next run gets Fauxvre a second down, just shy of the 30 yard line. But the next run, Adam "I'm not Pacman" Jones recovers a fumble and runs. Dallas possesion at the GB 14 yard line. Nice. Incomplete to TO, third and 8. He was brought down by a guy with a broken toe. Hello? Have you not seen a Three Stooges movie ever? Step on it, Popcorn Boy. A Folk kick is good (of course) and Dallas leads 3-0. Fauxvre connects to Jennings, who gets midfield, because we've developed an aversion to tackling and running. Hello! Commercial in the middle of the freakin' play? Asphinctersayswhat? Ah, we come back, and apparently it was an injury time out for Patrick Watkins. GB 2nd and four, but then manages to pick a first down. Zach Thomas (aka Ass Stretcher Hirer) brings Lee down for a tiny yardage, and then bring down the next receiver for third and 4. Dallas time out, still first quarter, still 3-0, Dallas. Come back, Fauxvre connects to 85 for a first down at the 10ish. Tank Johnson brings down the next receiver at the line of scrimmage, second and nine. Not Pacman brings down 86 around the 10, third and six. Fauxvre is sacked at the 18 yard line by Anthony Henry, and it looks like a GB field goal, which ends up being good. Score: 3 all. Bud Light with Lime - bad idea? I say yes, Jesus hates the adultery of beer. Discuss. First Dallas carry gets us first and 10 on the 18ish. Madden is drawing all over the screen - somebody take away his crayon. Next carry doesn't get us much. A.J. Hawk - get a haircut. Second and 8, Barber carry gets a first down. TO did the block that let Barber make the run. Romo throws to Patrick "I Promise Not to Drop the Ball Again" Crayton. Crayton drops the ball. GB injury time out. I refuse to believe NFL players eat Campbells Chunky Soup. They dine on Loch Ness Monster tenderloin, fermented unicorn tears, and the neck sweat of Chuck Norris. Second and 10 Dallas on the 30ish. Barbery powers through to about the 36 yard line. But there's a flag. But then they changed their mind. Whatever. Third and five Dallas, Romo throws to Witten, close to a first down at the 41. First and 10, Felix Jones carries, second and 3. Another Jones carry gets close to the 50, and then Barber comes in. Third and one, Barber gets the first down. Side note: How did Arkansas NOT win a bowl game with both McFadden and Jones on the roster? Ugh, a Romo throw to Crayton, which Crayton throws to TO, is broken up in the end zone. Barber carries for first and 10. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand again, for a couple of yards. Second and 8, Romo overthrows to Witten in the end zone. "I think the timing was off just a little," Madden says. You think? Third and 8, Romo hits Witten for first and 10, around the 15ish. A fake to Barber F-A-I-L-S, and Romo eats turf. Second and 15, Barber runs for 5. Can what Barber does be called running? It's more like tunneling, I think. Third and 13, Romo to a freakin GB player. Collins runs forever, and is finally brought down. GB first and 10, on Dallas' 43. Fauxvre recovers his own fumble. Gawd. Second and 18, Fauxvre connects to Jennings, tackled at the 40ish. Third and seven, Fauxvre to Jennings again, first and 10. Fauxvre to Jennings is incomplete, 2nd and 10, 13:28 in the second quarter. Connects to Driver, Terence Newman tackles him and pretty much flips him ass over tits. Third and four, pass broken up, and Mason Crosby will kick for a FG, which is good. Green Bay 6, Dallas 3. Felix Jones' kick return means Dallas starts at the 20. Romo tosses it to Barber, who grabs three. Second and seven, OMG..... Romo evades a tackle, spins, throws to Barber, who fumbled, but Curtis recovered for a first down. I'm dizzy. Next carry results in second and 8 on the 50, Romo to Martellus Bennett, but broken up by GDGB. Third down and 8, Romo's sacked at the 46 yard line. McBriar shanks it at the 29 yard line. No love for him. By the way, this is my thing, adopted from a friend's thing. The punter gets no love. Ever. Said friend only purchases the punter's jerseys, because of this - he feels bad for them. So punters should get more love. Unless they shank it. Then they get no love. NO love. Packer alumni weekend. Hmm....something's missing. Or someone, rather. Who is missing? Hmm.... Fauxvre was run out of bounds, and chucks it to the Dallas bench. They can't catch it there, either. Second and 10, Fauxvre runs to avoid a sack, throws for hardly any yardage. Penalty though, against GB, 10-yard penalty. Second and 20, no yardage to speak of, then third and 16, Fauxvre throw to Jennings to get them within punting distance. Jones catches, a bajillion flags for lord only knows what. I'm waiting. Dallas gets a 10 yard penalty for illegal block in the back. Dallas first and 10, Barber tunnels to the 22, Dallas first down. Another Barber carry gains some yardage. Second and 4, Romo connects to TO at the 40, for a first down. Felix Jones runs 60 yards for a TD. Please allow a brief pause for a Hog Call. Folk's kick is good for the extra point. Dallas 10, Green Boogers 6. First and 10 GB, Grant gets enough yardage for second and seven. Grant carries to about the 20, but not enough for a first down. Grant does not equal Barber, IJS. Third and three, Fauxvre throws under pressure and almost into the arms of Canty, but instead it will just be an incomplete. OK, during this commercial, I have to say this: Mac and cheese with bacon is gross. I will pay to never see that commercial again. Also, is it really lazy to find your watch, realize it's an hour behind, but then decide to just mentally add an hour because it's kinda close to Daylight Savings, and you'll just have to change it back? First and 10 Dallas, Barber brought down short of a first down. Second and 7, Barber makes no gain. Why is Barber's jersey the only one with grass stains? Romo throws to Witten on the 23, first down. Is it just me, or did Romo have like, an hour to throw that? Hah...Madden agrees. Barber brought down at the 20. Two minute warning. Note to Fauxvre: Never shave that scruffy beard thing you've got going. They showed your team photo. You look like you're 12. Second and seven, Romo hits Curtis, who makes it shy of the first down. Third down and inches, Barber makes the first down at the 12. First and 10, Romo throws to Barber, who is brought down on the 5. Dallas takes a time out with 30 seconds left on the clock. Second and four, Romo is sacked at the 20, and fumbles, but Adams recovered it. Flozell, I forgive you in advance for your future false start penalty. Dallas time out, seconds left in the first half. Third and 20, no more time outs, Romo throws to the end zone, to nobody in particular. Folk will kick a field goal, which is good. Dallas 13, GB 6 at the half. OK, notes at the half: Flozell, glad you got that fumble recovery, but if you're close enough to fall on the ball, you're close enough to block a sack, IJS. That being said, offense needs to keep GB tied up so Romo isn't sacked, Romo needs to not look down when he has to run under pressure (because he always ends up over/under throwing, or fumbling, or getting sacked), and we need to continue that Barber/Jones rotation. Defense needs to force more turnovers. We've had no interceptions. NONE. In the entire season so far. Flipped briefly to the Emmy's. Don Rickles is hilarious. I love him. He's completely tearing apart the Emmy writers for the stupid lines they're forced to say. OK....game is back. Felix Jones takes a knee in the end zone, Dallas will start at the 20. Barber gets the handoff for an eight yard run just shy of the first down. Second and two, Barber collects the first down, and has currently carried for 96 yards. Witten catches and moves to the 40ish before being run out of bounds. Second and four, Barber forced down at the 40. Third and five, Romo overthrows to Owens. McBriar punt is caught, GB gets to about the 10ish before being brought down by Martellus Bennett. GB first and 10, handoff to Grant gets them second and five. Next pass gets them to first and 10. Jackson carries the next, and evades several tackles to get second and two on the 34. Jackson is brought down at the 37 for another first down. First and 10, Grant to the 41 yard line. Second and six, Demarcus Ware takes down the receiver at the line of scrimmage. Third and five, Fauxvre completes to Driver for a 50-yarder and first and goal. Handoff to Grant gets them to the six yard line. Second and goal, Fauxvre pressured by Ware all the way to the sidelines. Henry sacks Fauxvre for a loss, fourth down. Crosby kicks a FG for 3. Dallas 13, GB 9. Jones was brought down at the 20 to begin this drive. Play fake, Romo throws to Witten for second down and five. Woodson has been alllllllllll over TO, so not much action from him tonight. Barber carries for first and 10. Romo throws a bomb to Miles Austin, who is finally brought down at the three. Needless to say, first and goal. Barber gets to about the two on the next carry. Second and goal, Barber runs it in. Dallas 20, GB 9. NBC just showed a replay of TO's reaction to a teammate's bloody injury. TO does not like blood, apparently, judging from the grimace. Madden on cheese making: "They just have the cows a mile away, and then they bring them in to make the cheese." He also ponders how someone decided to make and eat cheese. I hope someone Tivo'd that. First couple of GB possessions get them to third and seven on the 24ish, when a flag is called on GB for a false start. Third and 12, Ratliff just sacks Fauxvre, and then does what I am now calling the Hulk. Dallas ball, a throw to Jones gets Dallas second and 15. Flag thrown, intentional grounding by Romo. Third and 25, 47 seconds left in the third quarter. Under pressure, Romo overthrows Barber. McBriar punts a monster kick, and a flag on the offense. McBriar kicked 65 yards, gets to about the 25. Then everyone starts fighting and flags are all over the place. Penalty on GB because of Finley (unnecessary roughness) costs them 1/2 the distance of the goal. GB starts at the 13, Grant carry for not much of a gain at the end of the third quarter. Second and five, start of the fourth quarter, Fauxvre connects with Jennings for a first down, Henry brings him down at the 26ish for first and 10. Fauxvre is forced by Ellis to run to the sidelines for a gain of a couple of yards. Next carry is a couple of yards shy of the first down. Third and two at the 35, pass to Driver incomplete. Punt is sent to the end zone, Dallas will start at the 20. Jones carries to about the 22. Second and eight, Jones carry to about the 32 for first down. First and 10, Romo throws to Austin, but it's broken up by GB. Second and 10, Romo runs and tosses it to Jones to the 35 yard line. Third and seven, Barber's back in, Romo throws to Witten to the 45 for the first down. Barber to the 42. Second and 10, Romo is incomplete. Two flags - holding and intentional grounding on Dallas. Third and 20, another Romo bomb to Miles Austin - again! - for a TD. Romo throws 52 yards, btw. Dallas 27, GB 9. "I Hate Myself for Loving You," to go out to commercial? Really? GB kick return gets them toward the midfield, but two flags. Holding on GB. "Panama" to go out to commercial. So GB gets Van Halen, and the Cowboys get um, that? Really? GB first and 10 on the 20ish, Demarcus Ware forces Fauxvre to throw, pass incomplete. Second and 10, incomplete. Third and 10, incomplete. Pass to Martellus Bennett jogs - or maybe it's yogs - for a gain of 37 yards and first down. Barber gets 12 yards to the 22 for another first down. First and 10, Barber picks up a couple of yards. When did Madden fall in love with Witten and solidify his man-crush? When he ran for 30 something yards after his helmet popped off. Barber to the 13. Barber runs pretty much horrizontal, gets tackled, ball stays in bounds, recovered by Blackmon. GB ball. I do not get this Frank TV guy. I do not. He's not funny. NOT FUNNY. It's like he's supplanted that whole "you might be a redneck" thing, and people think he's hilarious. He's not. Make him stop. Fauxvre connects with Jennings for a gain of five at the 20ish. A second throw gets them to the 30, first and 10. Four minutes left, first and 10 at the 49. Jennings run out of bounds for another first down at the 28. Fauxvre connects with Jackson, but flags are thrown. Holding on the offense costs GB 10 yards. First and 20, Fauxvre overthrows. Second and 20, pass incomplete, flags thrown. Offsides on Dallas. "All you've got to do is get on that guy," Madden says. Anything you want to tell us? Second and 15, Lee gets to the 23. Third and five, 3:15 left in the game. Nelson on the catch for first down. Overthrow with an almost interception (dirty look at Dallas - INTERCEPTIONS). Second and 10, Nelson catches at the two. First and goal, Fauxvre is forced to throw and misses. But a holding on Hamlin gives them first and goal. Fauxvre keeper gets into the end zone. Madden's predicting an onside kick. Score now, Dallas 27, GB 16. OK, onside kick fails. Dallas on the 34 yard line to start drive. Barber gains one on the play. GB takes a time out. The success rate for onside kicks? About 12 percent, according to footballcommentary.com, and that's for anticipated onside kicks. Also, the last time the Cowboys started 3-0 in consecutive seasons, I was burping a liquid diet and fouling my pants. Dallas turns the ball over on downs. Fauxvre throws to Driver, then blocks, then Driver throws to Nelson, who runs out of bounds. I'm not sure that's gonna work, but it was crazy to watch. GB gets a penalty, five yards from the original line of scrimmage. First and 15 at the 20, Lee catches and gets to the 30. Driver catches at the 37, and Fauxvre calls a time out to stop the clock. Second and 10, Fauxvre completely misses. Third and 10, another miss. Next carry for a gain, but second and Fauxvre gets sacked for a loss. Third and 22, 27 seconds left in the game. Fauxvre is almost sacked, throw to Nelson is incomplete. Fourth and 22, 18 seconds left. Jackson catch is shy of a first down. 10 seconds left in the game, Dallas ball. Romo takes a knee. Final: Dallas 27, GB 16, and the first Cowboys win in Lambeau Field.

Mmmm....Popcorn

Monday. Night. Football. In a show of solidarity, I shook my fist and farted in the general direction of Philly shortly before the game. Not ladylike, I know, but I needed to show my support. This is a rivalry, and I shall be rivalrylicious. I also made (read: nuked) queso and made the spectacular effort of pouring salsa in a bowl and opening a bag of chips (btw, El Milagro chips are the best chips ever. Period. Don't try to argue.). I don't know who is singing the National Anthem, but she's got a) a Tammy Faye-esque amount of makeup on and b) is doing Dollar Store Mariah Carey, complete with the finger zig zag and the head bob. Fact: 47 states out of 50 think the Cowboys will win tonight. We're doomed. We all know the popular vote doesn't count. Ugh....the intro features Jessica Simpson in her pink jersey. Kickoff is about to happen in God's stadium, that we're about to tear down. Donovan McNabb (heretofore know as Whatever) totally misses his first throw. Way to go, Whatever. He connects with Westbrook for a first down on his next throw, and hands off on the next play for next to no yardage. Westbrook catch with a Zach Thomas (ass stretched, presumably) tackle to bring him down. Nice tackle by Demarcus "Head Shoulders Knees and Toes" Ware to bring down Westbrook. Anthony Henry brings down Jackson, ball pops loose after, but it's ruled an incomplete. Philly punks out and kicks a field goal, then goes back to the sidelines to watch Tony Romo. Score: Philly: A womanly 3 points, Dallas: infinite scoring opportunities Felix Jones (Wooo Pig Sooey!) makes a lovely kick return, but we lose 10 yards because someone got a holding penalty. In all fairness, the Eagles look like the types that require a lot of holding, and maybe some spooning, too. Note to Romo: Jason Witten is awesome, yes. But he can't catch a football with his face. No thumbs there. If there were, I bet his wife wou...nevermind. Next throw to T.O. connects at the 30. First and 10. Suck it, Philly. Barber's not doing a lot of penetrating. I have a dirty joke here, I know it. Wooooot... TD when Romo connects with TO for a 72-yarder. Only Jerry Rice has more TD receptions now. Suck it, Whatever. Score: Philly: Girly 3, Dallas 7 Now Whatever is gonna go back on the field and drive his team to the 30. Whatever wants to beat TO now. WTF - Greg Lewis caught the ball, then threw himself down on the field around the 50. Um, try running, or were you worried you'd muss your hair? Bradie James on Westbrook? Why? Why? Beer, or iced tea? Holy crap, incomplete, but nearly a fumble. Nervous, Whatever? Another incomplete. I smell a field goal attempt. Hah! I'm right. Score: Dallas 7, Eagles two stupid field goals. You do the math. Whatever, how does it feel to have special teams do all the work for you because you throw like Aunt Bea at a sewing circle? Run Felix Jones....all the way.....TD. Romo didn't even have to throw. TD on a kick return. Bite it, Philly. Oh, and wooooo Pig Sooey! Score: Dallas 14, Women: Still two measly field goals Whatever, after a cookie and a juice box, toddles out to the field, flummoxed. "You spilled my macchiato!" he says. Westbrook manages a first down on a Whatever toss. Eagles get no traction, and the ball pretty much immediately goes back to the Cowboys. Doh...interception. Romo, dude. White and blue, not green. NOT GREEN. Whatever throws down to the end zone, but Greg Lewis no catchy catchy. Eagles will have the ball on the one when the second quarter begins. BTW, Greg Lewis was all handsy with Anthony Henry, not the other way around. So now the Eagles get this touchdown handed to them. It's kinda like one of those kids rodeos where everyone gets a trophy, because "everyone's a winner." Score: Dallas: a righteous 14, Philly: two lousy field goals and a TD that was gift wrapped. Who the fugg allowed Stanback to do a kick return. And WTF Romo? Twice? TWICE? TD Eagles. Eagles: WTF 20, Dallas: 14 Excuse me, I need to bang my head on the coffee table right now. Thank God. Felix Jones manages a decent kick return. OK...handing off to Barber isn't helping. He's being pulled down at the line of scrimmage, give or take a couple yards. Next one connects to Witten for some yardage, and one to Felix Jones gets a few more. Just keep Felix Jones in. Please, please, please. Holy cow, a catch by Martellus Bennett gets a first down. The rookies are tearing it up. "Everybody's playing with their hair on fire," commentator says. Dallas time out. I'm going to suck my thumb under the coffee table, in fetal position, for a few minutes. Ugh, we're back. Barber again. Once again, no gain. I know he's getting double teamed.....I spoke too soon. On the second carry, Barber got the ball to within spitting distance of the end zone. Romo connects to TO for his second TD of the night. Suck it, Whatever. Score: Dallas 21, incredibly lucky Eagles 20. Eagles start this drive on the 28 yard line. Ratliff gets the first sack of the night, totally spilling Whatever's macchiato. Crap...TD. Eagles as McNabb flings a 61-yard to Jackson, for possibly a TD. Cowboys are asking for a review of the play, and whadda know, Jackson threw the ball down before he entered the end zone. Replay seems to indicate that, which makes Jackson a ginormous idiot. Hahahaha....Philly's finest. Ref's rule it was not a TD. Eagles are now on the two yard line, first and goal. Next play does result in a diving TD. Score: Dumbasses 27, Dallas 21. Dallas takes a knee in the end zone to start on the 20. Look! Westbrook has to settle for the team ass stretchers. Romo connects to Owens for a huge gain, then we get a flag. Of course. Broken record: Barber carry for no yards. Second and 20. Romo to Patrick "I promise I'm not going to drop the football" Crayton, who then drops the football but catches it again. You're on notice, Crayton. An incomplete by Romo means a Cowboy punt. Whatever connects to Whocares at the 40. Greg Ellis, much like a poacher in the Serengeti, drops an Eagle where he stands. Can I just say that our D needs to do a little bit better job at sacking the bejeezus out of Whatever? It makes me happy. Canty brings down Westbrook at the line of scrimmage. Eagles second and two. Jerry Jones looks nervous. A Whatever hurl to the end zone totally misses everyone. But Dallas gets a penalty that gives the Eagles a first down at the 20. Westbrook was knocked back behind the line of scrimmage. I'm really getting tired of this "Where's Waldo" stuff from the announcers. Once is funny, twice is mildly amusing, three times is old. OK. When we tackle Whatever, we need to make sure Whatever stays tackled, IJS. Westbrook is allowed to run dangerously close to the end zone before being stopped. Second and goal, Jones runs Booker out of bounds before scoring. Third and goal. Even if they don't make a TD here, I smell a field goal attempt. McNabb was brought down around the five. Hah... I'm right again. Dallas calls a time out before the Eagles send out the kicker. Field goal good. Score: Whatever 30, Dallas 21, with 45 seconds left in the first half. Felix Jones is brought down at the 29-yard line, with 39 seconds left in the game. Cowboys first and 10. I want to wet my pants. Witten grabs two yards. Less than 20 seconds left on the clock, Romo throws to Witten again to get the Cowboys within field goal range, and calls a time out. Jerry's down on the sidelines now. Folk is gonna kick, and it's good. A 54-yarder, BTW. Score at the first half: Ugh 20, Dallas 24. OK. Second half: Dallas needs to anticipate Whatever better on the defensive side, and Romo needs to quit farking dropping the ball. Philly just needs to die. Friend Amy's analysis: "How did we go from Felix's run to Romo's fumble? This game is like dinner with a manic depressive speed freak that keeps crashing after bumps of coke. YAY! NO! WOO! DAMN! AHHHHHH!" (Yes, I'm live blogging, instant messaging on Facebook, AND I'm about to drink. I'm a multitasker. It comes with the ovaries. If one of you posts that this is why Sarah Palin should be VP, I'm going to have to consign you to the bowels of Philly.) Now drinking amaretto and club soda, and poking my crudely-fashioned Whatever voodoo doll with red-hot pins. Run Barber, run! First and 20. Romo throws to nobody in particular, and nobody catches. Second and 20. Barber carries for a loss. Third and 22. Mother effing eff eff eff...Bennett catches, Dawkins knocks it away. I hate you, Dawkins. May your man parts rot off, and your woman leave you for Donald Rumsfeld. Who wants to drive down and punch the announcers for fawningly saying, "The Magic is back..." about Whatever? Now we punt...BTW - what the hell happened to Suzy Kolber's hair? Ratliff stop for Eagles second and 10. And seriously, why are these people talking about how great Whatever is? The score would be 24-21 Dallas if special teams hadn't helped out three times. I love amaretto. I do. Romo connects to Witten. We're third and two. Not to sound like a boy on prom night, but would it be too much to ask to score sometime? First and 10 on the 30ish. Second and 10, hand off to Barber for a first down. Curtis moved so we have a stupid effing flag. But Philly got a personal foul for unnecessary roughness. Our foul goes bye bye, and we get an automatic first down. Romo connects with Barber for a first down and more. Second and 10, hand off to Barber gets Dallas to a body length from another first down. A throw to Barber nets a TD. Suck it, Feebles. Score: Dallas 31, Whatever 30. Eagles brought down somewhere around the 35ish, I think. I was gazing fondly at my amaretto, which doesn't suck, unlike the Eagles. I'd like someone to knock Whatever back to the 20. While they're on the 50. That would make me happy, and be totally worth the UR call. Aww...next throw gets dropped by the intended receiver. Second and 10. Next throw to 84 is short of the first down. Gawd..."He put the biscuit in the Baskett." Shut. Up. First down Eagles at the 50ish. First and 10. Zach Thomas breaks up the next play. L.J. Smith DENIED. Second and 10. First down on the 35. First and 10, fumble by Westbrook, finally recovered by Westbrook back at the 46ish. Second and 22. Shovel toss to Westbrook and a run to the 29ish, but there's like 50 flags. We get a facemask, they get an automatic first down to the red zone. Fourth quarter will start with a Philly drive. Roy Williams and Watkins are out. Whatever connects, just shy of the end zone. First and freaking goal, Philly. Next play results in a Philly TD. Score: Bite me 37, Dallas 31. About 14 and change in the fourth, kick return by Jones gets Dallas some decent field position. We need to score, obviously, but it would also be nice to perhaps get a two-point conversion? Romo throws in Witten's general direction, but mostly just throws it to the sidelines. Awesome! Second and freaking 10. Barber gets it, runs to midfield to Eagle's 44 before being brought down. Romo manages the throw before getting hit. First and 10. Witten powers on the next play to neaaarly the first down. Barber gets the first down. "You know how good this game is? We haven't even mentioned Jessica Simpson," announcers say. Eff Ewe. Romo overthrows to Witten, just off his fingertips. Eff me. Second and 10. Felix Jones manages to get juuuuuust past the line of scrimmage. Third and effing 8. Witten catch, but he's pushed past the line of scrimmage. Folk's gonna try for a FG and it's good. Score: Eff You 37, Dallas 34 Amy: hey here's an idea....lets guard westbrook. He seems to get the ball alot. Whaddya say? Grr... Me: I want Westbrook to get a groin pull. Yes. A groin pull. Amy: Dude. I want Westbrook and McNabb to get concussions. I'm done being nice. Me: A groin pull means no victory sex, or no consolation sex. Evil. Amy: ohhh, i like the way your mind works. Back from commercial, Eagles get a stupid kick return into Cowboy territory. Nine and change left in the fourth, and the Eagles have possession. If we can keep them from scoring... Whatever lost the ball....and they're peeling players off to discover it's...a...Cowboy ball. Which sounds dirty. But I'm so freakin' happy right now, I don't care. Romo throws to Crayton to get a first at near the 50. Barber gets them a yard on the next carry. Second and 9, to Miles Austin just shy of the first down. Third and three, Austin gets the first down. First and 10, connect to Witten, first and goal Dallas. Suck it, Dawkins! Ugggggh....throw to TO miss, but there's a flag. Defensive pass interference, ball was tipped. First and goal automatically. Barber is close but unable to crawl through to the end zone. Second and goal, Barber walks in. Score: Dallas 41, Dawkins Can Get a Groin Pull 37 OK. Dear Lord Baby Jesus, please please please do not let the Eagles score a touchdown, but let them chew up a lot of time on the clock. Whatever misses, second and 10, the Eagles can bite me. Westbrook brought down on the line of scrimmage. Illegal block on Philly, who is now second and long. L.J. Smith catches, but not enough for a first down. Third and eight. Whatever fails to connect with Westbrook. Fourth and eight. Philly kicks, Jones returns for not bad position, but an illegal block by Dallas starts them at just shy of the 20. Three and change left in the fourth quarter. Barber carries close to the 30. We need to, at this point, chew up some time on the clock. Philly takes a time out. Third and three, Romo misses Barber, who was wide open. We punt. Eagles will start this drive close to their own 30, 2:36 left in the game. Penalty puts them more like the 18ish. First throw incomplete. Second and 10, Whatever runs for the first. Two minute warning creeps up. A stupid facemask by Ratliff will take the Eagles to the 48. First and 10 Eagles. Sack him! Thank you! Creepy. Let's try this again. Miss it! Thank you! Fumble! OK, sack. I'll take that, too. Sack for a loss, even better. Eagles time out. A hook and ladder was nice, but no cigar as Dallas forces Philly out of bounds before the first down. Turn over on downs, Dallas ball with less than a minute in the game. One more snap, and a knee. Cowboys, bitches! America's team 41, America's armpit 37

Hard Knocks: The Speaking of Train Wrecks Edition

So I just watched Sarah Palin's speech, and now I'm watching Hard Knocks. I will only blog about one, because the other makes me want to punch kittens in the head really hard. Thanks, Liev, for reminding me we haven't won a friggin' Super Bowl in a bajillion years. You guys better happy this up in a hurry. I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE SAY NEWK-YOO-LAR through her nose whilst doing a vicious harpy impression. Oh wait, I said I wouldn't write about that. At this point, there have been cuts. At the Cowboys. Todd Lowber may get to stay, because other people have owies. And he can run. Danny Amendola said something and I blew my nose. Do you want me to rewind? Witten says this last game of the preseason is important and stuff. Amendola said he'll be happy even if he gets cut, because he knows he was aggressive and went all out. He also sent Jerry a nice fruit basket. JerryBob is waiting to hear from NFL commish Roger Goodell on whether or not Adam Jones is reinstated. Spoiler alert: He so was. Sorry if I ruined that for you. They're wrapping Sam Hurd in bubble wrap right now to protect him before the real season starts. Awww.....Demarcus Ware sings that "head shoulders" song to his kid again. This time she looks a little more impressed. Then she pooped her pants. So there's that. "For Tony Romo, there will be no off weeks ..." Wanna bet? Did you know ToRo hasn't won a playoff game? Ever? Whisky Tango Foxtrot - did they just compare him to Peyton Manning? ToRo likes the preseason, because like, he's getting all those super dope live video chats with Jessica whilst she strips. He thinks the preseason is "the most funnest." Wade does jog. Or something. Now they're dancing in the locker room, led by TO. But not Tank. He's a heavy lifter. He will rip Chuck Norris' head off. He's that tough. He wants to be consistent. He wants to be in the Pro Bowl. Ciskowski - we're playing football. Quit talking about strike outs and baseball. Duh. Ew...Tank with a wad between his gum and lip. Nast-ay. Martellus Bennet is still effing up. John Garrett wants to kneecap him in the groin, you can just tell. "High and tight across your chest." If I had a $1 for everytime someone said that to me... Dude ... John Garrett just said Metroplex. Wick Allison is having lamentations and heart palpitations right now. Uh...do we really want Keon Lattimore "following in the footsteps of his older brother, Ray Lewis?" Discuss. Skip Peete likes Lattimore. "He can do some nice stuff." Wade says they've got to get their minds right. Whatever the heck and hades that means. Oooh...DPD cop cars sighted as Pacman finds out he gets reinstated. Now he's walking toward Hooters, I just know it. Well, right after he talks to the media, and runs that five year old from Denton out of his favorite booth. Emmitt Smith shows up in the locker room, and shows ToRo how to cha cha. Spears thinks he made the team, because he can read his jersey. Ooh...Wade said, "don't go through this with some bullshit attitude. Let's go kick some ass!" I will kick ass for Wade. And Jesus. Oh wait... that's the GOP convention. My bad. The Cowboys are just gonna kick football Viking ass. Sam Hurd is limping, because the bubble wrap no worky worky. He can't raise up on his toes, which ruins his ballet career. He's distraught. "Be aggressive," TO says to nobody in particular. Nobody totally pays attention. Lowber dorks out and begs Richard Bartel to throw the ball to him. Everyone is gay for Felix Jones, not so much for Lattimore. Phillips is pissed he didn't make a first down before running out of bounds. Bennett does more gooder. Amendola doesn't, but then does, with a key block for a TD. Now they're being told by Wade that they played the last preseason game ever in Texas Stadium. I spy with my little eye, a mullet. Make it stop. Hurd does have a high ankle sprain and will be out for about four weeks, probably. "It don't hurt my mindframe," he said. Pacman goes fishing with Deion. But he's so gonna be busted by Dwaine Carraway if he doesn't pull them britches up. "Here fishy fishy," Pacman said. Gawd. Both Pacman and Deion agree that Deion is like his dad. Then Deion tells him he should call Goodell to thank him. "I wrote a letter," Jones said. "You want a letter from Oprah, or a call?" Deion said. "You need to call him, it would be really nice." This concludes this episode of "NFL Etiquette with Deion Sanders." Cold hearted. If you're not allowed in the facility, you're cut. I had an employer like that once. If the door code was changed, and you weren't alerted, you were canned. Lattimore is cut, and can be on the practice squad if nobody picks him up. Wade is gonna cry, like a Vet at a GOP convention during a Huckabee speech. Lowber is cut. They jerked the notebooks clean out of his hands before he cleared the doorway. Coooooooold. Wade curls up in his coat closet in a fetal position and weeps hysterically, sucking his thumb. They still have eight to cut. Amendola is still sitting there. "It's amazing how fewer guys you have, you know?" Bob Decherd says as he surveys the newsroom. No wait, I mean, says Wade Phillips as he watches practice. Amendola gets kicked to the practice squad. So does Bartel. They're waiting to find out if they get picked up on waivers. Jerry sits Amendola down to explain how he could get traded, or stay on the practice squad, because "nine times out of 10, if somebody gets hurt, that's where we go first." Philly wants Amendola for its practice squad, but he cleared waivers and he's going to be on the Cowboy's practice squad. Amendola loves Dallas. OK, they're partying at TO's, and he makes them take off their shoes, but they can dance around with a drink in their hands. Hi, TO. I'd like to explain gravity and the color white to you. "Right now is real," Buddha, I mean, Wade says. Hey....there's the guy who hires his own ass stretcher. Hi, Ass Stretcher Hirer. The Dallas Cowboys expect to win a Super Bowl. ToRo promises he's sent Jessijinx on tour for her "country album." Now, much like the Dallas Morning News in its entirety, the Cowboys are a 53-man team. Woot - gratuitus shirtless muscle-flex shot of TO, who closes the episode with, "People, getcha popcorn ready."

Hard Knocks, on Cake-Delay

Thank you, dvr. Without you, I would have to choose between Hard Knocks and Stephan Pyles' Heaven and Hell cake. And yes, I know they re-run it during the week, but you pause to pee. Or drink beers. Or pee and drink beers. I'm having a beer now, btw. They open with a post-mortem of the San Diego game. Again, they're gay for Felix Jones. They want to kiss The Dimpled One. Wade pretty much said they did fine in the first quarter, because the first team played. Duh. Ouch...someone's "been a bum the whole camp." I don't think they mean the English butt kind, either. Is that another gratuitous shirtless TO running shot? Let's bet some money, only not, because you may have seen it already. You'll take unfair advantage, and win. That'll make me sad. Decision? Random shirtless black dude. Romo says Campo has more hair than Jason Witten. "He just thinks everybody wants to hang out with him, and he's just not that cool," Witten said of Romo. Now we're tortured with Romo singing. "I told him time and time again, 'Bro, you're tone-deaf,'" TO said. Why don't you give him $10 of your $25 million reasons to live, and tell him to quit? I think Jerry Jones just said Troy Aikman is easy. That's what SHE said. "Everything is overrated sometimes," Romo said, without a whit of irony. Woot! Todd Archer sighting. Hi Todd! Jerry: It's rude to talk with your mouth full of anything. TO is now a mentor. Ray Sherman says he's like a chief of police. He'll be kunkling in no time. Danny Amendola said they all listen to TO, especially when he donkey punches them. (If you don't know what donkey punching is, ask your mother.) "He may not be mama, but in a pinch, he's a pretty good father figure," Schreiber's VO says of Dave Campo. Seriously, watching Campo dance is like watching every bad wedding reception video in the history of ever on a nonstop loop. Drop a ball, do 150 push-ups, Patrick Crayton says. Sooprise, Crayton's doing push-ups. Sam Hurd is looking for a breakout season. Jason Garrett says he always comes through. His competition is Miles Austin. Ray Sherman says if he can be consistent, he could be good. Duh. Five days before our choke in Denver. Two-a-days are making them hurt. "You wake up in the morning, and you have no idea how you're gonna practice," Tank Johnson says. "Tough man titties," said Wade. "You will practice. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever." Gawdalmighty - Campo in a hot tub. Jerry says he'd rather have Wade over any other coach in the country, except Jason Garrett. Someone (Roy Williams) sneaks into TO's room in Denver. Hilarity ensues. Didn't I see this last week? Tony Romo is focused on football, when he's not watching Jessica's Web cam. "I suck, it's officially, I suck. Ahhh, I'm so freakin' average," he says. Sounds like someone needs this guy. Super Bowl ring-having Todd Lowber hasn't played in a Cowboy's game. "If you don't want to be out here, don't get on the bus," Ray Sherman says. "You got me?" Yessir. The thin air in Denver means Romo can overthrow TO, TO the closet physicist says. "Is there thin air in Denver? I never heard of such a thing," Campo (seriously, did he pay them to put him in a lot, or is Jason Garrett just that boring?) said. DeMarcus Ware sings "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" to his daughter on Web cam. The baby is not impressed. Some white chick at dinner doesn't know who they are, but she sure likes to rub the players. Then they fight over the check. Ooh..burn. "Picking up the check is the least of Martellus Bennett's problems." Seems Bennett is arguing now with John Garrett about his shirt. Do you know why? Because John Garrett seems about as threatening as Pee Wee Herman on Quaaludes. Grab his face mask and scream at him, something. Seriously, when he talks, if I wasn't watching the screen, I'd think I was watching a love scene in a gay porn. The coaches make them pros. Not the paychecks. You hear? Word. John Garrett, do what Brian Stewart just did. IJS. Bennett won't do that anymore. Roy Williams doesn't want to tag. He wants to hit someone. He's sad that he can't hit. Maybe you can let him hit Bennett? Keon Lattimore didn't play in the last game. "The rookie seems lost in Dallas' complicated offense," Schreiber says. In other words, he's fitting in just fine. Screw tagging, they're tackling. They don't want them to break Felix Jones. Ohhhh noooo.... Roy Williams is all like, "I'm gonna de-cleat somebody." He wants to fight. Whoa...Brad Johnson gets to speak. What's up with that? Woot! Fight. "Wherever the fight is, just know I'm in the middle of it," Romo said. Riiiiiight... Dear Tony Romo: Fight is not another word for Jessica Simpson's cleavage. Adam Jones reads his letter to the NFL begging for reinstatement. He's not going to repeat any of his bad stuff. He swears. Like, seriously. He doesn't even know if Dallas has any strip clubs, or bars, or anything. He's also pretty sure that Dallas has a gun ban. He'll be a good boy, if only they'll let him suit up and knock the crap out of people again. Love and kisses, Adam. Tank Johnson says the Denver game is "the second test man, the second test. Get off the rock, number one, use your hands, make a number two, play ball..." Seriously - we don't gotta mic everyone. Dallas gets a penalty for having 12 in the huddle. "How can we have 12 in the huddle? We only have 11 out there!" Wade says, all twitterpated. We're sucking right now. "Dwight Jenkins lost his fire," Campo says. And you guys don't have a Zippo? Ellis yells at them, and it apparently works for a scootch of a minute. Seriously - quit putting a mic on Tank Johnson. He says, "Let's go baby, eff this, let's go! Win this game! Eff this!" Johnson completes to Austin. Everybody is all excited. Then he gets injured and is done for the night. Miles Austin sad. Adam Jones doesn't look as good, Schreiber says. Then he runs like, 100 million yards and walks on water. Then he spikes the ball, and proceeds to drop the ball on every subsequent play. Martellus Bennett tries to prove he doesn't suck. John Garrett has phone sex with him. No wait, he just said good job. Lowder finally gets some playing time, and manages to impress coaches. But we're still behind scorewise. Lattimore gets a first down. Amendola managed to make a block that would've allowed for a touchdown, if Lattimore had been able to break his tackle. Then Lattimore lines up at the wrong place. Amendola moves inside, then the ball is thrown outside for an interception. Lattimore is yelling at himself on the bench. Sad, they go to Dallas. Then they find out that Miles Austin has an MCL sprain, and will be out four to six weeks. Next week: Wade says they make too many mental errors. And more Dave Campo.

Of This, and That - Hump Day Edition

1. What does Congress do for work? Balance the budget? Nah. Make a decision already about drilling for oil? Boring. Let's try this instead. 2. Gainesville's Sunshine Tutt is on a break from her husband, SNL's Chris Kattan. 3. Season 13 of CBS's The Amazing Race features a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, who apparently will be carried on her brother's back the entire show. 4. Metallica's James Hetfield is playing grumpy old person with his yard. 5. Mike Fisher really, really loves Skip Bayless.

Because Monkey Puppets Crack Me the Heck Up, Part Two ....

Or, Hard Knocks, a review - nay, a live blog. So don't read any farther if you've Tivo'd and you don't want to know what happens, or if you've Tivo'd and you're gonna whine at me because you haven't seen it yet. I will find your house and kick you. Now, I watched this last week, too, but I was too lazy to blog it. Truth be told, I'm too lazy tonight, too, so I'm really going to do a half-arsed job. I just thought I'd warn you ahead of time, in case you had some grandiose hopes for me. Witten just killed his kid and turned him into a bobble head. Awesome. Jonesaspawn. How long till Roy Williams horse collar's one of Jerry Jones' grandkids? (Oooh, just asked in this room: "Where's Janine Turner's kid?")

"A football team is like a tree, branches may grow in all directions, but roots - roots are bound together."

I think I just spewed a little. Wade Phillips looks about 10 months pregnant. I think he's a D cup. Ooh, Todd Archer. Hi Todd. No Doocy's been dropped yet. TO is going blind, I think. What's with the shades? BTW, he likes that the coaches treat them like men and people. Wade Phillips learned to enunciate from his father's bum. No wait, his father, Bum. My bad, although the former would explain a lot. Tackle, tackle, tackle, eat dirt, tackle.

"Suddenly, brothers in arms have a sibling rivalry."

Patrick "I'm not going to drop anything again" Crayton is running. Dave Campo gargled some glass, then sat down for his interview. Ooh! Sunglassesless TO sighting - twice! Magic Johnson is giving them a pep talk. Side note: Oxnard sounds like something that comes from a cow's nose, especially the way Jerry Jones says it. Rob Lowe! Jamie Foxx! Dennis Miller! No Jessica! The coaching staff is gay for Felix Jones. Uber gay for him. "Felix Jones will make the team," Liev intones, like it's a pronouncement found somewhere between Deuteronomy and Psalms. Keon Lattimore's brother is the Dina Lohan of football. Now we're talking about Tank Johnson. "I'm squeezing this moment and trying to not let this slip away," he says. John Garrett says to Tank, "I love your energy, I love your energy you bring every day," and then gives him a big hug and a juice box. Now they're talking about Martellus Bennett. More Magic Johnson. Wait - he's a basketball dude - why's he telling Bennett how to run a play? "Mentally I just be gone sometimes," Bennett says. Awe. Some. Do that when we're 20-17, k? Now there's some chick - Mrs. Price. She's a screamer. "Tony Roooooooooooomoooooooooooo," OMG. Put a cork in her. Anywhere. Everywhere. Rich Dalrymple just got her to scream Troy Aikman's name into a cell phone. Now all those guys that were screaming for Danny Amendola last week will be happy. The coaches say he lacks size, but has other qualities. Mur. Mur. Zach Thomas flew his own stretcher and rubber guy in. Mur. Mur. Mur. Mur. Dude..."Shrinkage is a well known side effect of the ice baths..." then out comes uh, a guy with a unit. "What's that? Oh, that's just my package. It's a gift from God, I just signed for it." Now we're talking about the Garrett brothers, and how they learned to love football from their father Jim. Now we're watching Jim Garrett jogging on the track at Princeton - head first. TO likes to travel in style. Most guys loathe the daily grind - but not Owens. Do you think Liev Schreiber wants to drive a pencil through his skull at any point of his voice over? Now they're making fun of T.O. running on the beach. It's spot on, and hilarious, including the over the shoulder peek. "Besides having rugged good looks, Coach Wade Phillips knows football." Again, pencil through skull, Schreiber? Wade is imparting his football knowledge to his son. Wade's daughter Tracy is also on hand. Laurie Phillips, Wade's wife, says she's a dancer, choreographer and actress. Wade brings up her small role in "Charlie Wilson's War," and said she's a "good gal." Thanks, Dad. Now we're talking about Adam Jones. Campo reminds Dennis Miller that Jones has actually only been in the league for three years. "He's just a football player," Campo says later in a coaches' meeting. Three days before the San Diego game, the defensive backs are struggling. Note to Dave Campo: Slide and snap? Too reminiscent of this. Jim Garrett: Athletitism is not a word, but it should be, you're right. Now they're on the train to San Diego, playing dominoes and laughing, hah hah hah...TO checks into his hotel room, then leaves, and somebody's knocking on the door from the inside. Somebody's playing a funny, hah hah hah...Those Cowboys is funny, funny people. In the lockerroom, they listen to techno music and stretch and read. And Jason Garrett yells at them. Tank Johnson says something inspirational - "Let's Go!" "Let's let the Cowboys ride," Wade says. Unfortunately, we know how this goes, so um, not so much. Liev says that the offense walks all over the Chargers. OMG, the screamer is back. She's happy - Cowboys up by 7 in the first quarter. I have no idea what Tony Romo just said. I've seen Major League, but I zone out when I see him. I don't know why, other than unless he's on the field, he's about as exciting as a water sandwich. Tank Johnson skips after he makes a tackle. Are we gonna have to watch that all season? Tank just dropped an f-bomb. Amendola fumbles, Chargers make a TD. You people did watch the game, right? I don't have to tell you about it, right? Good, because I would like to take a drink, and my butt's falling asleep. Martellus Bennett dropsy clip series. Awesome. I really wanted to see that again. Are they playing Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" on the field? What the? "Not everyone will call Dallas home," we're reminded at the end. Next week? Adam Jones teaches Dave Campo hip hop dancing. And I didn't make that up.

Of This, and That ... "Is It Friday Yet?" Edition

1. Maybe the "Straight Talk Express" talks straighter than it drives. 2. DNS, blah, blah, blah, hackity, hackity, hackity, something something Dan Kaminsky! 3. Is it just me, or are other girls of a certain age out there vaguely bothered by the fact that a song they used to sing into a hairbrush with their friends was penned by a guy? 4. Dear Patrick Crayton: I know in last night's "Hard Knocks" you said you wouldn't be dropping any more important, game-winning balls, but do you have to um, run your mouth before the season ever starts, thereby adding to our long list of probable jinxes, IJS? 5. Somebody is lookin' for love. 6. Need a job? Can you point and move your hands back in forth, palms parallel to the floor, while appearing to have massive loads of fun with, say, a Frigidaire? Then go here. 7. I'm not telling you where the body is. No, you can't make me, because I don't know anything about any murder. I'm not confessing to anything. I don't know anythi...wait, is that chicken? 8. The Dallas Morning News debuted a feature about, oh, five seconds ago that allows readers to comment on stories posted online. I'm test driving it now.

Dale No Likey-Likey the Pacman Deal

Dale Hansen really doesn't like the Pacman deal. For reals. He said so last night. One of the money quotes:

"If character really doesn't matter, why don't they sign Osama bin Laden to play wide receiver? They need one, and he's six four and we know nobody can catch him."