Live Blogging the Cowboys, the Ocho Whatevah Edition

I have my drink, my snack, and I've peed. I'm ready. So ready. Are you ready? I say we forcibly make Ocho kiss the star, since he wanted to so badly. That's what I say. So this first drive is going swimmingly, I say. Third and 5, would've been freaking nice if Bennett could've caught it in the end zone, though. So we go for a field goal off of this interception we just happened to take because we're awesome. Dallas 3, Cincinnati 0. BTW, this is the first interception by a Dallas linebacker in 22 games. Bengals possession gets a flag. I'm not bothering with a nickname for the QB, because I Don't Care. Oh wait, I guess that is his nickname - only I don't care to type that, so he will be known as IDC. Second and 10 Bengals, and the IDC's pass is batted down. Next pass? Nine yard gain, but Dallas almost picks it off. Yay Not Pacman! Cincinnati will punt. It was the most womanly punt in the history of punts, quite possibly. I'll need to look and see if Gramatica ever topped it. Dallas possession, ball on the 25. Barber carries, forced out after a gain of maybe three yards? The CBS analysts just said he was like Earl Campbell. Cowboys are third and 4 at the 30ish, Witten catches for a gain of five. First and 10, Romo throw to Felix Jones, who is forced out of bounds short of the first down. Second down on a Barber carry is also just shy of the first quarter. Third and 1, Barber carry gets the ball to just past the 40ish, with TO blocking in front of him. First and 10, throw is over the head of the intended receiver. Second and 10, flag on Dallas for a false start. Question: How much do you have to suck if you lose to the 49ers? Third and 13, Romo connects with TO, who nearly drops the ball around the 30 but recovers. Nice shot of Ocho mouth breathing. Felix Jones skips into the end zone for the first TD of the afternoon. Dallas 10, What was that Ocho? 0 Kick return gets the Bengals starting around the 20. Second carry gets the Bengals the first down. Question: Is your game extra-boring if they start cutting away to the Patriots-49ers? Heh...even the announcers won't call Ocho anything but Chad Johnson. His jersey says C. Johnson. This gives me joy normally reserved for finding Kate Spade on sale. I love you, CBS Sports. What happens if he gets traded to another team, and 85 is already taken? Chris Henry can't count. This gives the Bengals a penalty for too many men on the field. IDC overthrows across the middle. Third and 18, and IDC completely misses Ocho because Not Pacman was covering him. Cincy punts it, Dallas starts at their 3. Dallas 10, Bengals STILL ZERO, OCHO. Back from commercial, and a ginormous error gives a touchback that allows Dallas to start at the 20. Ha! Barber has the first carry, with Witten and Owens blocking, and gets to the 35-ish. Stupid penalty and Dallas moseys back. Second and 11, Romo throws to Witten, who is brought down at the 35. Owens possession picks up significant yardage. Second and 2, Felix Jones carry gets the 'boys a first down. Jones carry gets some yardage, Second and feet, Jones runs another six or seven yards down the field for a first down. First and goal, handoff to Anderson gets them to the four. Barber carry powers through, but gets them to the two. Dallas has 110 rushing yards to Cincy's 5 this half so far. Third and goal, Romo fires it to Witten, who was chillin' in the end zone. Score: Dallas 17, Pucker Up 0. Oh, right, Cincy has the ball again. (Yawn) Third and one, Cincy manages a first down. And then another one. Cedric Benson is looking like a good signing for Cinc, btw. IDC hands off for a gain of maybe two. Second and seven, IDC hands it to Benson, and barely gains a yard. Third and 6, IDC throws to Utecht, near the one, but there is some conversation about if he was in bounds. Looks like Wade challenged the play. CBS replay looks like one foot in, one foot out. It is ruled an incomplete pass, which means the Bengals will go for the field goal. Score: Dallas 17, Cincy 3 Jones takes a knee, Dallas will start on the 20. Holy crap on french toast, the Giants were winning 44 to like, negative 15 over the Seahawks. Third and 8, Romo connects to Witten for a first down. But there's a stupid flag. Personal foul on Gurode. Dallas has first and 10, Romo hands off to Jones for a minimal gain. Another flag, holding on Cincy, automatic first down for Dallas. Second and 1, Romo to Witten, who was out at the catch. Third and 1, Barber carry short of the first. McBriar will kick, god help us. Cincy will start at the 20. IDC's pass deflected and almost caught by Dallas. Second and 10, next pass incomplete. Connects with Chatman, and gets the first down. First and 10, Henry run out of bounds and no gain. Second and 10, five yard gain. Third and four, IDC throws it away. Not Pacman ably handles the put return, getting Dallas to the 28. Barber carry goes out of bounds for little yardage. Second and 8, handoff to Barber picks up six yards. Crap. Lost fumble. Thanks ToRo. Barber got called for holding. However, the play is now up for review, because Romo may have been down before the ball was stripped from him. If not, the Bengals will have possession. Bengals will start at the Dallas 29, with 1:42 left in the half. Chatman catches IDC's pass, just short of the first down. Second and 1, IDC to Utecht, first down. Romo looks aggravated. Or constipated, or both. First and 10, Perry runs for a TD, but there's a flag. Holding on Cincy, repeat first down. Chatman catch, brought down by Not Pacman. Bengals time out, 50 seconds left in the half. IDC's next throw batted away by Not Pacman. Then IDC overthrows to Perry. Bengals kick a field goal. Score: Dallas 17, Bengals 6. So at the half, I think the Cowboys need to keep the Bengals off kilter. They almost had their act together with that last run, which could bode ill, especially if Romo drops the ball again. Plus, someone stuffing Ocho right at the star would make me giggle. Start of the third quarter, Dallas ball, third and 13 shy of the Bengals 30. Witten catch gets just short of first, so ball turned over on downs at 4th and 5. McBriar kicks and Cincy recovers around 25. Cincy, as I feared, has come out a somewhat different team. The Cowboys, well, Romo's sitting on the bench with his head farking down. Ocho finally catches something for a first down for Cincy. Zach Thomas very nearly took it, though. A Perry carry gets the Bengals two. Romo needs to quit pouting over there. Perry almost catches for a TD. Second go at a TD is good - Cincy TD. Score: Dallas 17, Cincinnati 13. A Miles Austin kick return means Dallas will start at the 24. It's now third and 5, and the Cowboys are starting to show signs of falling apart. Hopefully, this just completed pass to Witten for a first down will turn things around. Second throw is lousy, but Crayton could've caught it. Patrick Crayton = football repellent. Second and 10, handoff to Barber picks up maybe two yards. Yet another run, and no traction. McBriar will punt, and the Bengals will start at their own 7. Someone - and it's not the Bengals - needs a gut check. Romo's getting frustrated, and instead of collecting himself during his bench time, he's stewing in it - you can just tell. Direct contrast? Peyton Manning just a couple of hours ago. Behind pretty much the entire game, he did get frustrated - you could tell - but instead of sitting over there on the bench stewing, he was up, and engaged in the game. Can you convince anyone you really want to win when you sit and sulk instead of cheering on the defense? I'm just wondering. Bengals false start costs them some yardage on the first play. First and 14, Benson makes it to the line of scrimmage before Zach Thomas stops him. Second and 13, Ratliff makes a huge stop, third and 13 for the Bengals. IDC throw gets them to the 9, but no first down, so Cincy gives it back to Dallas, who will start around the 50 yard line. Ball pops out of Barber's hands, but Dallas recovers, thank God. Felix Jones scrambles and hops for just about a yard shy of the first down. Third and 1, Barber gets the first down. First and 10, Romo thorow intercepted by Cincy, before being brought down near the 40, because Romo overthrows the ball. Cincy has first and 10 around the 50, IDC connects with Ocho for the first down as the clock winds down on the third quarter. No gain on the first throw to Chatman. Second throw incomplete. Third and 10, IDC throw is broken up, and the field goal team will make a 40-yard try that is good. Score: Dallas 17, Cincy 16 Crap - offside kick, and they're peeling people off the ball. Cincy recovered it, so Cincy gets the ball. I am contemplating kicking something, but then realize that would make me more fired up about this than ToRo is. Bengals first and 10, first throw gets them a little yardage. Second and four, IDC connects with Ocho for the first down. Perry fumbles. Cowboys recover, and then jump around and act all happy, and then realize the offense has to come out now. First and 10 at the 40, handoff nets very little yardage. Second and 8, long bomb to TO brings in a TD. Thank God. Maybe I should start the live blog with a rant, and then the Cowboys can work from there. My fault. I should've ranted sooner. Score: Dallas 24, Cincy 16 Holt ran for a giant punt return, but may have gotten a concussion for his troubles. Bengals start on the Dallas 37, but the first pass only gets them maybe one yard. Second and 7, IDC connects with some other guy, first down. First and 10, a handoff to Benson gets just over the line of scrimmage. Next throw connects for a first down, one after that, no gain. Perry picks up three yards. Third and 7 at the 10, IDC connects for a TD. I smell a two point conversion attempt to tie the game. Utecht's catch is batted away. Score: Dallas 24, Cincy 22 Jones recovers to the 20 yard line, flag called on offense for holding. Five yard penalty. First carry, Barber barrels through for a few yards. Second and 8, Romo throws to Barber for 5. Third and 3, Romo runs it himself for four yards and the first down. Jones picks up yards just shy of the first down. Felix Jones has it, and is off and running for about 18, flag on Cincy for a facemask gives Dallas another 15. First and 10 at the 30ish, a handoff to Barber gets Dallas to about the 25. First and 10 after a throw to Witten. First and 10 at the 15ish, 2 and change left in the game. To tosses to Barber, who makes it to the line of scrimmage. Second and 10, Romo runs it for a loss of a yard. Third and 11, 1:59 left in the game. Romo's throw under pressure was meant for Austin, but is caught by Crayton. No matter - it's a TD just the same. Score: Dallas 31, Bengals 22 First and 10 at the 25ish, and IDC totally misses Utecht. Nearly beans him plumb on the noggin. Thats why you're IDC. Demarcus Ware sacks IDC. Bengals 3rd and 13, flag on the play, Dallas had someone in the neutral zone. Penalty declined, first and 10 for the Bengals. IDC tosses it to Perry, who is run out of bounds. Second and 8, IDC is sacked again - this time by Ratliff. Third and 14, 33 seconds left in the game. IDC connects with Perry, who is forced out of bounds and into the Dallas equipment thingie. Fourth and 9, IDC completely misses anyone, and Dallas takes over on downs with 18 seconds left in the game. Score: Dallas 31-Cincy 22

Chinese Food for the Cowboy Fan's Soul ...

Waiting for kickoff with John "I Swear My Video Game Does Not Jinx and Lead to the Dismemberment of NFL Players" Madden. For expediency, we'll just call him Madden. Aaron Rodgers, by the by, will be known as Fauxvre throughout this blog. Mark it in your programs accordingly. Andrea Kremer talks to Tony Romo. Romo gives the standard, "Throw a lot at us, great test, lot of fun, I'm doing Jessica Simpson, blah blah blah." Nick Folk kicks, Green Bay returns to the 24 yard line. I've decided, by the way, that any opposing team kick return where we only allow them to around the 20 yard line is OK, since that's about what they'd get if they'd taken a knee in the end zone. Next run gets Fauxvre a second down, just shy of the 30 yard line. But the next run, Adam "I'm not Pacman" Jones recovers a fumble and runs. Dallas possesion at the GB 14 yard line. Nice. Incomplete to TO, third and 8. He was brought down by a guy with a broken toe. Hello? Have you not seen a Three Stooges movie ever? Step on it, Popcorn Boy. A Folk kick is good (of course) and Dallas leads 3-0. Fauxvre connects to Jennings, who gets midfield, because we've developed an aversion to tackling and running. Hello! Commercial in the middle of the freakin' play? Asphinctersayswhat? Ah, we come back, and apparently it was an injury time out for Patrick Watkins. GB 2nd and four, but then manages to pick a first down. Zach Thomas (aka Ass Stretcher Hirer) brings Lee down for a tiny yardage, and then bring down the next receiver for third and 4. Dallas time out, still first quarter, still 3-0, Dallas. Come back, Fauxvre connects to 85 for a first down at the 10ish. Tank Johnson brings down the next receiver at the line of scrimmage, second and nine. Not Pacman brings down 86 around the 10, third and six. Fauxvre is sacked at the 18 yard line by Anthony Henry, and it looks like a GB field goal, which ends up being good. Score: 3 all. Bud Light with Lime - bad idea? I say yes, Jesus hates the adultery of beer. Discuss. First Dallas carry gets us first and 10 on the 18ish. Madden is drawing all over the screen - somebody take away his crayon. Next carry doesn't get us much. A.J. Hawk - get a haircut. Second and 8, Barber carry gets a first down. TO did the block that let Barber make the run. Romo throws to Patrick "I Promise Not to Drop the Ball Again" Crayton. Crayton drops the ball. GB injury time out. I refuse to believe NFL players eat Campbells Chunky Soup. They dine on Loch Ness Monster tenderloin, fermented unicorn tears, and the neck sweat of Chuck Norris. Second and 10 Dallas on the 30ish. Barbery powers through to about the 36 yard line. But there's a flag. But then they changed their mind. Whatever. Third and five Dallas, Romo throws to Witten, close to a first down at the 41. First and 10, Felix Jones carries, second and 3. Another Jones carry gets close to the 50, and then Barber comes in. Third and one, Barber gets the first down. Side note: How did Arkansas NOT win a bowl game with both McFadden and Jones on the roster? Ugh, a Romo throw to Crayton, which Crayton throws to TO, is broken up in the end zone. Barber carries for first and 10. Aaaaaaaaaaaaand again, for a couple of yards. Second and 8, Romo overthrows to Witten in the end zone. "I think the timing was off just a little," Madden says. You think? Third and 8, Romo hits Witten for first and 10, around the 15ish. A fake to Barber F-A-I-L-S, and Romo eats turf. Second and 15, Barber runs for 5. Can what Barber does be called running? It's more like tunneling, I think. Third and 13, Romo to a freakin GB player. Collins runs forever, and is finally brought down. GB first and 10, on Dallas' 43. Fauxvre recovers his own fumble. Gawd. Second and 18, Fauxvre connects to Jennings, tackled at the 40ish. Third and seven, Fauxvre to Jennings again, first and 10. Fauxvre to Jennings is incomplete, 2nd and 10, 13:28 in the second quarter. Connects to Driver, Terence Newman tackles him and pretty much flips him ass over tits. Third and four, pass broken up, and Mason Crosby will kick for a FG, which is good. Green Bay 6, Dallas 3. Felix Jones' kick return means Dallas starts at the 20. Romo tosses it to Barber, who grabs three. Second and seven, OMG..... Romo evades a tackle, spins, throws to Barber, who fumbled, but Curtis recovered for a first down. I'm dizzy. Next carry results in second and 8 on the 50, Romo to Martellus Bennett, but broken up by GDGB. Third down and 8, Romo's sacked at the 46 yard line. McBriar shanks it at the 29 yard line. No love for him. By the way, this is my thing, adopted from a friend's thing. The punter gets no love. Ever. Said friend only purchases the punter's jerseys, because of this - he feels bad for them. So punters should get more love. Unless they shank it. Then they get no love. NO love. Packer alumni weekend. Hmm....something's missing. Or someone, rather. Who is missing? Hmm.... Fauxvre was run out of bounds, and chucks it to the Dallas bench. They can't catch it there, either. Second and 10, Fauxvre runs to avoid a sack, throws for hardly any yardage. Penalty though, against GB, 10-yard penalty. Second and 20, no yardage to speak of, then third and 16, Fauxvre throw to Jennings to get them within punting distance. Jones catches, a bajillion flags for lord only knows what. I'm waiting. Dallas gets a 10 yard penalty for illegal block in the back. Dallas first and 10, Barber tunnels to the 22, Dallas first down. Another Barber carry gains some yardage. Second and 4, Romo connects to TO at the 40, for a first down. Felix Jones runs 60 yards for a TD. Please allow a brief pause for a Hog Call. Folk's kick is good for the extra point. Dallas 10, Green Boogers 6. First and 10 GB, Grant gets enough yardage for second and seven. Grant carries to about the 20, but not enough for a first down. Grant does not equal Barber, IJS. Third and three, Fauxvre throws under pressure and almost into the arms of Canty, but instead it will just be an incomplete. OK, during this commercial, I have to say this: Mac and cheese with bacon is gross. I will pay to never see that commercial again. Also, is it really lazy to find your watch, realize it's an hour behind, but then decide to just mentally add an hour because it's kinda close to Daylight Savings, and you'll just have to change it back? First and 10 Dallas, Barber brought down short of a first down. Second and 7, Barber makes no gain. Why is Barber's jersey the only one with grass stains? Romo throws to Witten on the 23, first down. Is it just me, or did Romo have like, an hour to throw that? Hah...Madden agrees. Barber brought down at the 20. Two minute warning. Note to Fauxvre: Never shave that scruffy beard thing you've got going. They showed your team photo. You look like you're 12. Second and seven, Romo hits Curtis, who makes it shy of the first down. Third down and inches, Barber makes the first down at the 12. First and 10, Romo throws to Barber, who is brought down on the 5. Dallas takes a time out with 30 seconds left on the clock. Second and four, Romo is sacked at the 20, and fumbles, but Adams recovered it. Flozell, I forgive you in advance for your future false start penalty. Dallas time out, seconds left in the first half. Third and 20, no more time outs, Romo throws to the end zone, to nobody in particular. Folk will kick a field goal, which is good. Dallas 13, GB 6 at the half. OK, notes at the half: Flozell, glad you got that fumble recovery, but if you're close enough to fall on the ball, you're close enough to block a sack, IJS. That being said, offense needs to keep GB tied up so Romo isn't sacked, Romo needs to not look down when he has to run under pressure (because he always ends up over/under throwing, or fumbling, or getting sacked), and we need to continue that Barber/Jones rotation. Defense needs to force more turnovers. We've had no interceptions. NONE. In the entire season so far. Flipped briefly to the Emmy's. Don Rickles is hilarious. I love him. He's completely tearing apart the Emmy writers for the stupid lines they're forced to say. OK....game is back. Felix Jones takes a knee in the end zone, Dallas will start at the 20. Barber gets the handoff for an eight yard run just shy of the first down. Second and two, Barber collects the first down, and has currently carried for 96 yards. Witten catches and moves to the 40ish before being run out of bounds. Second and four, Barber forced down at the 40. Third and five, Romo overthrows to Owens. McBriar punt is caught, GB gets to about the 10ish before being brought down by Martellus Bennett. GB first and 10, handoff to Grant gets them second and five. Next pass gets them to first and 10. Jackson carries the next, and evades several tackles to get second and two on the 34. Jackson is brought down at the 37 for another first down. First and 10, Grant to the 41 yard line. Second and six, Demarcus Ware takes down the receiver at the line of scrimmage. Third and five, Fauxvre completes to Driver for a 50-yarder and first and goal. Handoff to Grant gets them to the six yard line. Second and goal, Fauxvre pressured by Ware all the way to the sidelines. Henry sacks Fauxvre for a loss, fourth down. Crosby kicks a FG for 3. Dallas 13, GB 9. Jones was brought down at the 20 to begin this drive. Play fake, Romo throws to Witten for second down and five. Woodson has been alllllllllll over TO, so not much action from him tonight. Barber carries for first and 10. Romo throws a bomb to Miles Austin, who is finally brought down at the three. Needless to say, first and goal. Barber gets to about the two on the next carry. Second and goal, Barber runs it in. Dallas 20, GB 9. NBC just showed a replay of TO's reaction to a teammate's bloody injury. TO does not like blood, apparently, judging from the grimace. Madden on cheese making: "They just have the cows a mile away, and then they bring them in to make the cheese." He also ponders how someone decided to make and eat cheese. I hope someone Tivo'd that. First couple of GB possessions get them to third and seven on the 24ish, when a flag is called on GB for a false start. Third and 12, Ratliff just sacks Fauxvre, and then does what I am now calling the Hulk. Dallas ball, a throw to Jones gets Dallas second and 15. Flag thrown, intentional grounding by Romo. Third and 25, 47 seconds left in the third quarter. Under pressure, Romo overthrows Barber. McBriar punts a monster kick, and a flag on the offense. McBriar kicked 65 yards, gets to about the 25. Then everyone starts fighting and flags are all over the place. Penalty on GB because of Finley (unnecessary roughness) costs them 1/2 the distance of the goal. GB starts at the 13, Grant carry for not much of a gain at the end of the third quarter. Second and five, start of the fourth quarter, Fauxvre connects with Jennings for a first down, Henry brings him down at the 26ish for first and 10. Fauxvre is forced by Ellis to run to the sidelines for a gain of a couple of yards. Next carry is a couple of yards shy of the first down. Third and two at the 35, pass to Driver incomplete. Punt is sent to the end zone, Dallas will start at the 20. Jones carries to about the 22. Second and eight, Jones carry to about the 32 for first down. First and 10, Romo throws to Austin, but it's broken up by GB. Second and 10, Romo runs and tosses it to Jones to the 35 yard line. Third and seven, Barber's back in, Romo throws to Witten to the 45 for the first down. Barber to the 42. Second and 10, Romo is incomplete. Two flags - holding and intentional grounding on Dallas. Third and 20, another Romo bomb to Miles Austin - again! - for a TD. Romo throws 52 yards, btw. Dallas 27, GB 9. "I Hate Myself for Loving You," to go out to commercial? Really? GB kick return gets them toward the midfield, but two flags. Holding on GB. "Panama" to go out to commercial. So GB gets Van Halen, and the Cowboys get um, that? Really? GB first and 10 on the 20ish, Demarcus Ware forces Fauxvre to throw, pass incomplete. Second and 10, incomplete. Third and 10, incomplete. Pass to Martellus Bennett jogs - or maybe it's yogs - for a gain of 37 yards and first down. Barber gets 12 yards to the 22 for another first down. First and 10, Barber picks up a couple of yards. When did Madden fall in love with Witten and solidify his man-crush? When he ran for 30 something yards after his helmet popped off. Barber to the 13. Barber runs pretty much horrizontal, gets tackled, ball stays in bounds, recovered by Blackmon. GB ball. I do not get this Frank TV guy. I do not. He's not funny. NOT FUNNY. It's like he's supplanted that whole "you might be a redneck" thing, and people think he's hilarious. He's not. Make him stop. Fauxvre connects with Jennings for a gain of five at the 20ish. A second throw gets them to the 30, first and 10. Four minutes left, first and 10 at the 49. Jennings run out of bounds for another first down at the 28. Fauxvre connects with Jackson, but flags are thrown. Holding on the offense costs GB 10 yards. First and 20, Fauxvre overthrows. Second and 20, pass incomplete, flags thrown. Offsides on Dallas. "All you've got to do is get on that guy," Madden says. Anything you want to tell us? Second and 15, Lee gets to the 23. Third and five, 3:15 left in the game. Nelson on the catch for first down. Overthrow with an almost interception (dirty look at Dallas - INTERCEPTIONS). Second and 10, Nelson catches at the two. First and goal, Fauxvre is forced to throw and misses. But a holding on Hamlin gives them first and goal. Fauxvre keeper gets into the end zone. Madden's predicting an onside kick. Score now, Dallas 27, GB 16. OK, onside kick fails. Dallas on the 34 yard line to start drive. Barber gains one on the play. GB takes a time out. The success rate for onside kicks? About 12 percent, according to footballcommentary.com, and that's for anticipated onside kicks. Also, the last time the Cowboys started 3-0 in consecutive seasons, I was burping a liquid diet and fouling my pants. Dallas turns the ball over on downs. Fauxvre throws to Driver, then blocks, then Driver throws to Nelson, who runs out of bounds. I'm not sure that's gonna work, but it was crazy to watch. GB gets a penalty, five yards from the original line of scrimmage. First and 15 at the 20, Lee catches and gets to the 30. Driver catches at the 37, and Fauxvre calls a time out to stop the clock. Second and 10, Fauxvre completely misses. Third and 10, another miss. Next carry for a gain, but second and Fauxvre gets sacked for a loss. Third and 22, 27 seconds left in the game. Fauxvre is almost sacked, throw to Nelson is incomplete. Fourth and 22, 18 seconds left. Jackson catch is shy of a first down. 10 seconds left in the game, Dallas ball. Romo takes a knee. Final: Dallas 27, GB 16, and the first Cowboys win in Lambeau Field.

Hard Knocks: The Speaking of Train Wrecks Edition

So I just watched Sarah Palin's speech, and now I'm watching Hard Knocks. I will only blog about one, because the other makes me want to punch kittens in the head really hard. Thanks, Liev, for reminding me we haven't won a friggin' Super Bowl in a bajillion years. You guys better happy this up in a hurry. I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE SAY NEWK-YOO-LAR through her nose whilst doing a vicious harpy impression. Oh wait, I said I wouldn't write about that. At this point, there have been cuts. At the Cowboys. Todd Lowber may get to stay, because other people have owies. And he can run. Danny Amendola said something and I blew my nose. Do you want me to rewind? Witten says this last game of the preseason is important and stuff. Amendola said he'll be happy even if he gets cut, because he knows he was aggressive and went all out. He also sent Jerry a nice fruit basket. JerryBob is waiting to hear from NFL commish Roger Goodell on whether or not Adam Jones is reinstated. Spoiler alert: He so was. Sorry if I ruined that for you. They're wrapping Sam Hurd in bubble wrap right now to protect him before the real season starts. Awww.....Demarcus Ware sings that "head shoulders" song to his kid again. This time she looks a little more impressed. Then she pooped her pants. So there's that. "For Tony Romo, there will be no off weeks ..." Wanna bet? Did you know ToRo hasn't won a playoff game? Ever? Whisky Tango Foxtrot - did they just compare him to Peyton Manning? ToRo likes the preseason, because like, he's getting all those super dope live video chats with Jessica whilst she strips. He thinks the preseason is "the most funnest." Wade does jog. Or something. Now they're dancing in the locker room, led by TO. But not Tank. He's a heavy lifter. He will rip Chuck Norris' head off. He's that tough. He wants to be consistent. He wants to be in the Pro Bowl. Ciskowski - we're playing football. Quit talking about strike outs and baseball. Duh. Ew...Tank with a wad between his gum and lip. Nast-ay. Martellus Bennet is still effing up. John Garrett wants to kneecap him in the groin, you can just tell. "High and tight across your chest." If I had a $1 for everytime someone said that to me... Dude ... John Garrett just said Metroplex. Wick Allison is having lamentations and heart palpitations right now. Uh...do we really want Keon Lattimore "following in the footsteps of his older brother, Ray Lewis?" Discuss. Skip Peete likes Lattimore. "He can do some nice stuff." Wade says they've got to get their minds right. Whatever the heck and hades that means. Oooh...DPD cop cars sighted as Pacman finds out he gets reinstated. Now he's walking toward Hooters, I just know it. Well, right after he talks to the media, and runs that five year old from Denton out of his favorite booth. Emmitt Smith shows up in the locker room, and shows ToRo how to cha cha. Spears thinks he made the team, because he can read his jersey. Ooh...Wade said, "don't go through this with some bullshit attitude. Let's go kick some ass!" I will kick ass for Wade. And Jesus. Oh wait... that's the GOP convention. My bad. The Cowboys are just gonna kick football Viking ass. Sam Hurd is limping, because the bubble wrap no worky worky. He can't raise up on his toes, which ruins his ballet career. He's distraught. "Be aggressive," TO says to nobody in particular. Nobody totally pays attention. Lowber dorks out and begs Richard Bartel to throw the ball to him. Everyone is gay for Felix Jones, not so much for Lattimore. Phillips is pissed he didn't make a first down before running out of bounds. Bennett does more gooder. Amendola doesn't, but then does, with a key block for a TD. Now they're being told by Wade that they played the last preseason game ever in Texas Stadium. I spy with my little eye, a mullet. Make it stop. Hurd does have a high ankle sprain and will be out for about four weeks, probably. "It don't hurt my mindframe," he said. Pacman goes fishing with Deion. But he's so gonna be busted by Dwaine Carraway if he doesn't pull them britches up. "Here fishy fishy," Pacman said. Gawd. Both Pacman and Deion agree that Deion is like his dad. Then Deion tells him he should call Goodell to thank him. "I wrote a letter," Jones said. "You want a letter from Oprah, or a call?" Deion said. "You need to call him, it would be really nice." This concludes this episode of "NFL Etiquette with Deion Sanders." Cold hearted. If you're not allowed in the facility, you're cut. I had an employer like that once. If the door code was changed, and you weren't alerted, you were canned. Lattimore is cut, and can be on the practice squad if nobody picks him up. Wade is gonna cry, like a Vet at a GOP convention during a Huckabee speech. Lowber is cut. They jerked the notebooks clean out of his hands before he cleared the doorway. Coooooooold. Wade curls up in his coat closet in a fetal position and weeps hysterically, sucking his thumb. They still have eight to cut. Amendola is still sitting there. "It's amazing how fewer guys you have, you know?" Bob Decherd says as he surveys the newsroom. No wait, I mean, says Wade Phillips as he watches practice. Amendola gets kicked to the practice squad. So does Bartel. They're waiting to find out if they get picked up on waivers. Jerry sits Amendola down to explain how he could get traded, or stay on the practice squad, because "nine times out of 10, if somebody gets hurt, that's where we go first." Philly wants Amendola for its practice squad, but he cleared waivers and he's going to be on the Cowboy's practice squad. Amendola loves Dallas. OK, they're partying at TO's, and he makes them take off their shoes, but they can dance around with a drink in their hands. Hi, TO. I'd like to explain gravity and the color white to you. "Right now is real," Buddha, I mean, Wade says. Hey....there's the guy who hires his own ass stretcher. Hi, Ass Stretcher Hirer. The Dallas Cowboys expect to win a Super Bowl. ToRo promises he's sent Jessijinx on tour for her "country album." Now, much like the Dallas Morning News in its entirety, the Cowboys are a 53-man team. Woot - gratuitus shirtless muscle-flex shot of TO, who closes the episode with, "People, getcha popcorn ready."