Hard Knocks: The Speaking of Train Wrecks Edition

So I just watched Sarah Palin's speech, and now I'm watching Hard Knocks. I will only blog about one, because the other makes me want to punch kittens in the head really hard. Thanks, Liev, for reminding me we haven't won a friggin' Super Bowl in a bajillion years. You guys better happy this up in a hurry. I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE SAY NEWK-YOO-LAR through her nose whilst doing a vicious harpy impression. Oh wait, I said I wouldn't write about that. At this point, there have been cuts. At the Cowboys. Todd Lowber may get to stay, because other people have owies. And he can run. Danny Amendola said something and I blew my nose. Do you want me to rewind? Witten says this last game of the preseason is important and stuff. Amendola said he'll be happy even if he gets cut, because he knows he was aggressive and went all out. He also sent Jerry a nice fruit basket. JerryBob is waiting to hear from NFL commish Roger Goodell on whether or not Adam Jones is reinstated. Spoiler alert: He so was. Sorry if I ruined that for you. They're wrapping Sam Hurd in bubble wrap right now to protect him before the real season starts. Awww.....Demarcus Ware sings that "head shoulders" song to his kid again. This time she looks a little more impressed. Then she pooped her pants. So there's that. "For Tony Romo, there will be no off weeks ..." Wanna bet? Did you know ToRo hasn't won a playoff game? Ever? Whisky Tango Foxtrot - did they just compare him to Peyton Manning? ToRo likes the preseason, because like, he's getting all those super dope live video chats with Jessica whilst she strips. He thinks the preseason is "the most funnest." Wade does jog. Or something. Now they're dancing in the locker room, led by TO. But not Tank. He's a heavy lifter. He will rip Chuck Norris' head off. He's that tough. He wants to be consistent. He wants to be in the Pro Bowl. Ciskowski - we're playing football. Quit talking about strike outs and baseball. Duh. Ew...Tank with a wad between his gum and lip. Nast-ay. Martellus Bennet is still effing up. John Garrett wants to kneecap him in the groin, you can just tell. "High and tight across your chest." If I had a $1 for everytime someone said that to me... Dude ... John Garrett just said Metroplex. Wick Allison is having lamentations and heart palpitations right now. Uh...do we really want Keon Lattimore "following in the footsteps of his older brother, Ray Lewis?" Discuss. Skip Peete likes Lattimore. "He can do some nice stuff." Wade says they've got to get their minds right. Whatever the heck and hades that means. Oooh...DPD cop cars sighted as Pacman finds out he gets reinstated. Now he's walking toward Hooters, I just know it. Well, right after he talks to the media, and runs that five year old from Denton out of his favorite booth. Emmitt Smith shows up in the locker room, and shows ToRo how to cha cha. Spears thinks he made the team, because he can read his jersey. Ooh...Wade said, "don't go through this with some bullshit attitude. Let's go kick some ass!" I will kick ass for Wade. And Jesus. Oh wait... that's the GOP convention. My bad. The Cowboys are just gonna kick football Viking ass. Sam Hurd is limping, because the bubble wrap no worky worky. He can't raise up on his toes, which ruins his ballet career. He's distraught. "Be aggressive," TO says to nobody in particular. Nobody totally pays attention. Lowber dorks out and begs Richard Bartel to throw the ball to him. Everyone is gay for Felix Jones, not so much for Lattimore. Phillips is pissed he didn't make a first down before running out of bounds. Bennett does more gooder. Amendola doesn't, but then does, with a key block for a TD. Now they're being told by Wade that they played the last preseason game ever in Texas Stadium. I spy with my little eye, a mullet. Make it stop. Hurd does have a high ankle sprain and will be out for about four weeks, probably. "It don't hurt my mindframe," he said. Pacman goes fishing with Deion. But he's so gonna be busted by Dwaine Carraway if he doesn't pull them britches up. "Here fishy fishy," Pacman said. Gawd. Both Pacman and Deion agree that Deion is like his dad. Then Deion tells him he should call Goodell to thank him. "I wrote a letter," Jones said. "You want a letter from Oprah, or a call?" Deion said. "You need to call him, it would be really nice." This concludes this episode of "NFL Etiquette with Deion Sanders." Cold hearted. If you're not allowed in the facility, you're cut. I had an employer like that once. If the door code was changed, and you weren't alerted, you were canned. Lattimore is cut, and can be on the practice squad if nobody picks him up. Wade is gonna cry, like a Vet at a GOP convention during a Huckabee speech. Lowber is cut. They jerked the notebooks clean out of his hands before he cleared the doorway. Coooooooold. Wade curls up in his coat closet in a fetal position and weeps hysterically, sucking his thumb. They still have eight to cut. Amendola is still sitting there. "It's amazing how fewer guys you have, you know?" Bob Decherd says as he surveys the newsroom. No wait, I mean, says Wade Phillips as he watches practice. Amendola gets kicked to the practice squad. So does Bartel. They're waiting to find out if they get picked up on waivers. Jerry sits Amendola down to explain how he could get traded, or stay on the practice squad, because "nine times out of 10, if somebody gets hurt, that's where we go first." Philly wants Amendola for its practice squad, but he cleared waivers and he's going to be on the Cowboy's practice squad. Amendola loves Dallas. OK, they're partying at TO's, and he makes them take off their shoes, but they can dance around with a drink in their hands. Hi, TO. I'd like to explain gravity and the color white to you. "Right now is real," Buddha, I mean, Wade says. Hey....there's the guy who hires his own ass stretcher. Hi, Ass Stretcher Hirer. The Dallas Cowboys expect to win a Super Bowl. ToRo promises he's sent Jessijinx on tour for her "country album." Now, much like the Dallas Morning News in its entirety, the Cowboys are a 53-man team. Woot - gratuitus shirtless muscle-flex shot of TO, who closes the episode with, "People, getcha popcorn ready."

Hard Knocks, on Cake-Delay

Thank you, dvr. Without you, I would have to choose between Hard Knocks and Stephan Pyles' Heaven and Hell cake. And yes, I know they re-run it during the week, but you pause to pee. Or drink beers. Or pee and drink beers. I'm having a beer now, btw. They open with a post-mortem of the San Diego game. Again, they're gay for Felix Jones. They want to kiss The Dimpled One. Wade pretty much said they did fine in the first quarter, because the first team played. Duh. Ouch...someone's "been a bum the whole camp." I don't think they mean the English butt kind, either. Is that another gratuitous shirtless TO running shot? Let's bet some money, only not, because you may have seen it already. You'll take unfair advantage, and win. That'll make me sad. Decision? Random shirtless black dude. Romo says Campo has more hair than Jason Witten. "He just thinks everybody wants to hang out with him, and he's just not that cool," Witten said of Romo. Now we're tortured with Romo singing. "I told him time and time again, 'Bro, you're tone-deaf,'" TO said. Why don't you give him $10 of your $25 million reasons to live, and tell him to quit? I think Jerry Jones just said Troy Aikman is easy. That's what SHE said. "Everything is overrated sometimes," Romo said, without a whit of irony. Woot! Todd Archer sighting. Hi Todd! Jerry: It's rude to talk with your mouth full of anything. TO is now a mentor. Ray Sherman says he's like a chief of police. He'll be kunkling in no time. Danny Amendola said they all listen to TO, especially when he donkey punches them. (If you don't know what donkey punching is, ask your mother.) "He may not be mama, but in a pinch, he's a pretty good father figure," Schreiber's VO says of Dave Campo. Seriously, watching Campo dance is like watching every bad wedding reception video in the history of ever on a nonstop loop. Drop a ball, do 150 push-ups, Patrick Crayton says. Sooprise, Crayton's doing push-ups. Sam Hurd is looking for a breakout season. Jason Garrett says he always comes through. His competition is Miles Austin. Ray Sherman says if he can be consistent, he could be good. Duh. Five days before our choke in Denver. Two-a-days are making them hurt. "You wake up in the morning, and you have no idea how you're gonna practice," Tank Johnson says. "Tough man titties," said Wade. "You will practice. Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever." Gawdalmighty - Campo in a hot tub. Jerry says he'd rather have Wade over any other coach in the country, except Jason Garrett. Someone (Roy Williams) sneaks into TO's room in Denver. Hilarity ensues. Didn't I see this last week? Tony Romo is focused on football, when he's not watching Jessica's Web cam. "I suck, it's officially, I suck. Ahhh, I'm so freakin' average," he says. Sounds like someone needs this guy. Super Bowl ring-having Todd Lowber hasn't played in a Cowboy's game. "If you don't want to be out here, don't get on the bus," Ray Sherman says. "You got me?" Yessir. The thin air in Denver means Romo can overthrow TO, TO the closet physicist says. "Is there thin air in Denver? I never heard of such a thing," Campo (seriously, did he pay them to put him in a lot, or is Jason Garrett just that boring?) said. DeMarcus Ware sings "Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes" to his daughter on Web cam. The baby is not impressed. Some white chick at dinner doesn't know who they are, but she sure likes to rub the players. Then they fight over the check. Ooh..burn. "Picking up the check is the least of Martellus Bennett's problems." Seems Bennett is arguing now with John Garrett about his shirt. Do you know why? Because John Garrett seems about as threatening as Pee Wee Herman on Quaaludes. Grab his face mask and scream at him, something. Seriously, when he talks, if I wasn't watching the screen, I'd think I was watching a love scene in a gay porn. The coaches make them pros. Not the paychecks. You hear? Word. John Garrett, do what Brian Stewart just did. IJS. Bennett won't do that anymore. Roy Williams doesn't want to tag. He wants to hit someone. He's sad that he can't hit. Maybe you can let him hit Bennett? Keon Lattimore didn't play in the last game. "The rookie seems lost in Dallas' complicated offense," Schreiber says. In other words, he's fitting in just fine. Screw tagging, they're tackling. They don't want them to break Felix Jones. Ohhhh noooo.... Roy Williams is all like, "I'm gonna de-cleat somebody." He wants to fight. Whoa...Brad Johnson gets to speak. What's up with that? Woot! Fight. "Wherever the fight is, just know I'm in the middle of it," Romo said. Riiiiiight... Dear Tony Romo: Fight is not another word for Jessica Simpson's cleavage. Adam Jones reads his letter to the NFL begging for reinstatement. He's not going to repeat any of his bad stuff. He swears. Like, seriously. He doesn't even know if Dallas has any strip clubs, or bars, or anything. He's also pretty sure that Dallas has a gun ban. He'll be a good boy, if only they'll let him suit up and knock the crap out of people again. Love and kisses, Adam. Tank Johnson says the Denver game is "the second test man, the second test. Get off the rock, number one, use your hands, make a number two, play ball..." Seriously - we don't gotta mic everyone. Dallas gets a penalty for having 12 in the huddle. "How can we have 12 in the huddle? We only have 11 out there!" Wade says, all twitterpated. We're sucking right now. "Dwight Jenkins lost his fire," Campo says. And you guys don't have a Zippo? Ellis yells at them, and it apparently works for a scootch of a minute. Seriously - quit putting a mic on Tank Johnson. He says, "Let's go baby, eff this, let's go! Win this game! Eff this!" Johnson completes to Austin. Everybody is all excited. Then he gets injured and is done for the night. Miles Austin sad. Adam Jones doesn't look as good, Schreiber says. Then he runs like, 100 million yards and walks on water. Then he spikes the ball, and proceeds to drop the ball on every subsequent play. Martellus Bennett tries to prove he doesn't suck. John Garrett has phone sex with him. No wait, he just said good job. Lowder finally gets some playing time, and manages to impress coaches. But we're still behind scorewise. Lattimore gets a first down. Amendola managed to make a block that would've allowed for a touchdown, if Lattimore had been able to break his tackle. Then Lattimore lines up at the wrong place. Amendola moves inside, then the ball is thrown outside for an interception. Lattimore is yelling at himself on the bench. Sad, they go to Dallas. Then they find out that Miles Austin has an MCL sprain, and will be out four to six weeks. Next week: Wade says they make too many mental errors. And more Dave Campo.

Because Monkey Puppets Crack Me the Heck Up, Part Two ....

Or, Hard Knocks, a review - nay, a live blog. So don't read any farther if you've Tivo'd and you don't want to know what happens, or if you've Tivo'd and you're gonna whine at me because you haven't seen it yet. I will find your house and kick you. Now, I watched this last week, too, but I was too lazy to blog it. Truth be told, I'm too lazy tonight, too, so I'm really going to do a half-arsed job. I just thought I'd warn you ahead of time, in case you had some grandiose hopes for me. Witten just killed his kid and turned him into a bobble head. Awesome. Jonesaspawn. How long till Roy Williams horse collar's one of Jerry Jones' grandkids? (Oooh, just asked in this room: "Where's Janine Turner's kid?")

"A football team is like a tree, branches may grow in all directions, but roots - roots are bound together."

I think I just spewed a little. Wade Phillips looks about 10 months pregnant. I think he's a D cup. Ooh, Todd Archer. Hi Todd. No Doocy's been dropped yet. TO is going blind, I think. What's with the shades? BTW, he likes that the coaches treat them like men and people. Wade Phillips learned to enunciate from his father's bum. No wait, his father, Bum. My bad, although the former would explain a lot. Tackle, tackle, tackle, eat dirt, tackle.

"Suddenly, brothers in arms have a sibling rivalry."

Patrick "I'm not going to drop anything again" Crayton is running. Dave Campo gargled some glass, then sat down for his interview. Ooh! Sunglassesless TO sighting - twice! Magic Johnson is giving them a pep talk. Side note: Oxnard sounds like something that comes from a cow's nose, especially the way Jerry Jones says it. Rob Lowe! Jamie Foxx! Dennis Miller! No Jessica! The coaching staff is gay for Felix Jones. Uber gay for him. "Felix Jones will make the team," Liev intones, like it's a pronouncement found somewhere between Deuteronomy and Psalms. Keon Lattimore's brother is the Dina Lohan of football. Now we're talking about Tank Johnson. "I'm squeezing this moment and trying to not let this slip away," he says. John Garrett says to Tank, "I love your energy, I love your energy you bring every day," and then gives him a big hug and a juice box. Now they're talking about Martellus Bennett. More Magic Johnson. Wait - he's a basketball dude - why's he telling Bennett how to run a play? "Mentally I just be gone sometimes," Bennett says. Awe. Some. Do that when we're 20-17, k? Now there's some chick - Mrs. Price. She's a screamer. "Tony Roooooooooooomoooooooooooo," OMG. Put a cork in her. Anywhere. Everywhere. Rich Dalrymple just got her to scream Troy Aikman's name into a cell phone. Now all those guys that were screaming for Danny Amendola last week will be happy. The coaches say he lacks size, but has other qualities. Mur. Mur. Zach Thomas flew his own stretcher and rubber guy in. Mur. Mur. Mur. Mur. Dude..."Shrinkage is a well known side effect of the ice baths..." then out comes uh, a guy with a unit. "What's that? Oh, that's just my package. It's a gift from God, I just signed for it." Now we're talking about the Garrett brothers, and how they learned to love football from their father Jim. Now we're watching Jim Garrett jogging on the track at Princeton - head first. TO likes to travel in style. Most guys loathe the daily grind - but not Owens. Do you think Liev Schreiber wants to drive a pencil through his skull at any point of his voice over? Now they're making fun of T.O. running on the beach. It's spot on, and hilarious, including the over the shoulder peek. "Besides having rugged good looks, Coach Wade Phillips knows football." Again, pencil through skull, Schreiber? Wade is imparting his football knowledge to his son. Wade's daughter Tracy is also on hand. Laurie Phillips, Wade's wife, says she's a dancer, choreographer and actress. Wade brings up her small role in "Charlie Wilson's War," and said she's a "good gal." Thanks, Dad. Now we're talking about Adam Jones. Campo reminds Dennis Miller that Jones has actually only been in the league for three years. "He's just a football player," Campo says later in a coaches' meeting. Three days before the San Diego game, the defensive backs are struggling. Note to Dave Campo: Slide and snap? Too reminiscent of this. Jim Garrett: Athletitism is not a word, but it should be, you're right. Now they're on the train to San Diego, playing dominoes and laughing, hah hah hah...TO checks into his hotel room, then leaves, and somebody's knocking on the door from the inside. Somebody's playing a funny, hah hah hah...Those Cowboys is funny, funny people. In the lockerroom, they listen to techno music and stretch and read. And Jason Garrett yells at them. Tank Johnson says something inspirational - "Let's Go!" "Let's let the Cowboys ride," Wade says. Unfortunately, we know how this goes, so um, not so much. Liev says that the offense walks all over the Chargers. OMG, the screamer is back. She's happy - Cowboys up by 7 in the first quarter. I have no idea what Tony Romo just said. I've seen Major League, but I zone out when I see him. I don't know why, other than unless he's on the field, he's about as exciting as a water sandwich. Tank Johnson skips after he makes a tackle. Are we gonna have to watch that all season? Tank just dropped an f-bomb. Amendola fumbles, Chargers make a TD. You people did watch the game, right? I don't have to tell you about it, right? Good, because I would like to take a drink, and my butt's falling asleep. Martellus Bennett dropsy clip series. Awesome. I really wanted to see that again. Are they playing Katy Perry's "I Kissed a Girl" on the field? What the? "Not everyone will call Dallas home," we're reminded at the end. Next week? Adam Jones teaches Dave Campo hip hop dancing. And I didn't make that up.